Life Never Moves - SCN

I've managed to compose a short and horribly simplistic cover letter. Normally I'd require higher quality from myself but considering that it has taken me a fucking month to write even five shitty lines, we're going for quantity not quality here. You do know what this means? That I can begin sending my resume out to the few employers in this city still advertising for help. It begins tomorrow. Or rather I hope it begins tomorrow. I hope I will have the cajones to swallow my fear and just send the suckers. I mean, I have a fair amount of office experience, I'm a new college grad therefore they can start me on the lowest possible salary. I'm cheap labor basically.

But, while part of me really wants a job if only to have money and something to do during the day, another part of me is terrified. Terrified of the rejection that accompanies job hunting, of doing something wrong, of NOT getting a job. Of...I don't even know anymore.

Life seems to get so damn serious when there's nothing going on in it, then the entire fact that nothing is going on becomes incredibly serious. Because then you sink into those what's wrong with me thoughts. Why don't I have a job? Why don't I want one? Where are my friends? What if everyone hates me? Am I incompentant? And on and on.

As we can see, I'm feeling a bit depressed these days only I can find no satisfactory reason why. I mean I'm not falling off the wagon depressed. I don't wanna kill myself or anything. I'm just...bored and I don't know what to do about it. I'm sure I've written about this before, but I'm keeping so many journals and hiding so much stuff that I honestly have no idea who I've said what to. So if I'm repeating myself please forgive me.

I feel like such an outsider in everything. In the job market, in my romantic life, in my social circle, in my family. Feels like nothing is gonna work out simply because everything is on hold right now. Nothing is moving. I'm stuck. And I'm afraid of getting unstuck as well as afraid of staying stuck. Can't stay can't go. What's a girl to do?

Nervous about seeing Josh tomorrow. I've felt so awkward with him recently. I never know what to say and just end up sounding stupid when I talk. I wish I could talk to him about what I'm feeling right now. But he's got his life so on track I don't think he'd really understand where all my fear is coming from. I don't even know where all this fear is coming from.

I just feel totally unprepared for life.

There is no Spoon

Okay I've had it!!!! Gregory Peck, Katherine Hepburn, Buddy Hacket, and now Barry White. I did it back in September and I'm doing it agin now....I CALL A MORATOREUM ON ALL DEATH!!! NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO DIE FOR ANOTHER SIX MONTHS!!!!!! Tell your friends.

Talking to Myself

Hey Carla, How ya doin?

Shitty.

Why is that?

I dunno.

Well that's not a very productive answer now is it?

Why the hell should I give a shit about productivity?

*shrugs* I dunno

THATS RIGHT YOU DON'T KNOW!!!

Hey hey Carla, settle down, I'm not trying to attack you.

Yeah right. Everyone is trying to attack me.

Why do you say that?

Because it feels true. Even if it isn't, it feels true.

How come?

Because...everything sucks. And i don't know what to do about it. And no one is helping me or telling me how I can help myself.

Whats the matter?

I don't know whats up with Josh, he won't tell me what he wants. I'm scared of job hunting and I don't know how to become unscared. I'm bored and have no idea how to entertain myself and that in turn is making me depressed. I keep forgetting to take my meds. I hate living with my mom but i need money to move out and I cant get money without a job and I cant get a job without searching for one and I cant get over my fear and get off my ass and search for one. And i hate myself for it. And I hate myself for being overweight, and i hate myself for being sad, and I hate myself for being scared, and I hate myself for feeling everything I'm feeling.

Sounds like you're the one attacking yourself

Well, no shit Sherlock!!!!

But you said everyone else was.

I am everyone. When I'm depressed I become the earth the sun the stars, the entire fucking universe revolves around me. And if I knew how to fix anything I would have done it already.

Do you feel any better after having said all of that?

No Carla, no I do not.

Friend or Fuck - SCN

Hard day. Hung out with Josh in midtown and we had "The Talk." I've never had a "talk" with a boy that ever went well and this one was no different. But I think I'm getting ahead of myself.

First, I met him after Bar review class and we went and got drinks at this little restaurant with really great air conditioning. And for the first time in a while we talked. For real. I told him about what was going on in my life, he told me what was going on in his. I told him about the things I've been scared to tell him and he was very accepting. All in all I left the restaurant feeling relieved knowing that we still could be ...that way with each other.

And then we got into the talk and here's what it consisted of: He thinks I'm "sweet. Wonderful even." But we're both in "transitional" phases right now. And while he likes hanging out with me, he never thinks of me when we aren't together (ouch) and he doesn't want to hurt me. So basically what he was saying was he doesn't feel anything for me. And while I interpret that as my cue to leave, Josh was just like "oh no I'm not saying I don't want to see you anymore, I just think we should put things on hold until after the bar exam when I'll be less pre-occupied."

But I'm not stupid. If he can't feel anything for me now he won't be able to feel anything for me in three weeks. I told him I wouldn't wait by the phone for his call. I mean, we put this on hold once before, doing it twice is just a way of saying I don't want to see you without having to say I don't want to see you. Shit, I would have rather he just come out and say it because then I wouldn't be in yet another holding pattern for three weeks.

The whole time he didn't touch me, didn't hold my hand, or kiss me. Not a single sign of affection. I know he doesn't love me.

I walked home afterwards. I cried a little. Because it was just the same old song and dance, more proof that I am defective, and will never find anyone who loves me. Guys like me as a friend or as a fuck but nothing else. Josh isn't the first guy to not feel anything for me: Jason, Moses, Clark, Wes, Kevin, Marc, Dannielle, none of them could feel deeply for me.

I know I'm not pretty, or terribly smart, or funny, or ambitious, but I'm a good person. I'm nice to everyone. I don't understand why no one seems able to feel anything for me. I don't get it. I wish I knew what I could do to fix it.

I feel a little better now than I did when I first came in. Now it's settling in and it's all very familiar. I know this feeling, and I'm used to it. Rejected again. So what else is new?