Friend or Fuck - SCN
Jul. 8th, 2003 10:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlHard day. Hung out with Josh in midtown and we had "The Talk." I've never had a "talk" with a boy that ever went well and this one was no different. But I think I'm getting ahead of myself.
First, I met him after Bar review class and we went and got drinks at this little restaurant with really great air conditioning. And for the first time in a while we talked. For real. I told him about what was going on in my life, he told me what was going on in his. I told him about the things I've been scared to tell him and he was very accepting. All in all I left the restaurant feeling relieved knowing that we still could be ...that way with each other.
And then we got into the talk and here's what it consisted of: He thinks I'm "sweet. Wonderful even." But we're both in "transitional" phases right now. And while he likes hanging out with me, he never thinks of me when we aren't together (ouch) and he doesn't want to hurt me. So basically what he was saying was he doesn't feel anything for me. And while I interpret that as my cue to leave, Josh was just like "oh no I'm not saying I don't want to see you anymore, I just think we should put things on hold until after the bar exam when I'll be less pre-occupied."
But I'm not stupid. If he can't feel anything for me now he won't be able to feel anything for me in three weeks. I told him I wouldn't wait by the phone for his call. I mean, we put this on hold once before, doing it twice is just a way of saying I don't want to see you without having to say I don't want to see you. Shit, I would have rather he just come out and say it because then I wouldn't be in yet another holding pattern for three weeks.
The whole time he didn't touch me, didn't hold my hand, or kiss me. Not a single sign of affection. I know he doesn't love me.
I walked home afterwards. I cried a little. Because it was just the same old song and dance, more proof that I am defective, and will never find anyone who loves me. Guys like me as a friend or as a fuck but nothing else. Josh isn't the first guy to not feel anything for me: Jason, Moses, Clark, Wes, Kevin, Marc, Dannielle, none of them could feel deeply for me.
I know I'm not pretty, or terribly smart, or funny, or ambitious, but I'm a good person. I'm nice to everyone. I don't understand why no one seems able to feel anything for me. I don't get it. I wish I knew what I could do to fix it.
I feel a little better now than I did when I first came in. Now it's settling in and it's all very familiar. I know this feeling, and I'm used to it. Rejected again. So what else is new?
First, I met him after Bar review class and we went and got drinks at this little restaurant with really great air conditioning. And for the first time in a while we talked. For real. I told him about what was going on in my life, he told me what was going on in his. I told him about the things I've been scared to tell him and he was very accepting. All in all I left the restaurant feeling relieved knowing that we still could be ...that way with each other.
And then we got into the talk and here's what it consisted of: He thinks I'm "sweet. Wonderful even." But we're both in "transitional" phases right now. And while he likes hanging out with me, he never thinks of me when we aren't together (ouch) and he doesn't want to hurt me. So basically what he was saying was he doesn't feel anything for me. And while I interpret that as my cue to leave, Josh was just like "oh no I'm not saying I don't want to see you anymore, I just think we should put things on hold until after the bar exam when I'll be less pre-occupied."
But I'm not stupid. If he can't feel anything for me now he won't be able to feel anything for me in three weeks. I told him I wouldn't wait by the phone for his call. I mean, we put this on hold once before, doing it twice is just a way of saying I don't want to see you without having to say I don't want to see you. Shit, I would have rather he just come out and say it because then I wouldn't be in yet another holding pattern for three weeks.
The whole time he didn't touch me, didn't hold my hand, or kiss me. Not a single sign of affection. I know he doesn't love me.
I walked home afterwards. I cried a little. Because it was just the same old song and dance, more proof that I am defective, and will never find anyone who loves me. Guys like me as a friend or as a fuck but nothing else. Josh isn't the first guy to not feel anything for me: Jason, Moses, Clark, Wes, Kevin, Marc, Dannielle, none of them could feel deeply for me.
I know I'm not pretty, or terribly smart, or funny, or ambitious, but I'm a good person. I'm nice to everyone. I don't understand why no one seems able to feel anything for me. I don't get it. I wish I knew what I could do to fix it.
I feel a little better now than I did when I first came in. Now it's settling in and it's all very familiar. I know this feeling, and I'm used to it. Rejected again. So what else is new?
