Life Never Moves - SCN
Jul. 8th, 2003 01:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlI've managed to compose a short and horribly simplistic cover letter. Normally I'd require higher quality from myself but considering that it has taken me a fucking month to write even five shitty lines, we're going for quantity not quality here. You do know what this means? That I can begin sending my resume out to the few employers in this city still advertising for help. It begins tomorrow. Or rather I hope it begins tomorrow. I hope I will have the cajones to swallow my fear and just send the suckers. I mean, I have a fair amount of office experience, I'm a new college grad therefore they can start me on the lowest possible salary. I'm cheap labor basically.
But, while part of me really wants a job if only to have money and something to do during the day, another part of me is terrified. Terrified of the rejection that accompanies job hunting, of doing something wrong, of NOT getting a job. Of...I don't even know anymore.
Life seems to get so damn serious when there's nothing going on in it, then the entire fact that nothing is going on becomes incredibly serious. Because then you sink into those what's wrong with me thoughts. Why don't I have a job? Why don't I want one? Where are my friends? What if everyone hates me? Am I incompentant? And on and on.
As we can see, I'm feeling a bit depressed these days only I can find no satisfactory reason why. I mean I'm not falling off the wagon depressed. I don't wanna kill myself or anything. I'm just...bored and I don't know what to do about it. I'm sure I've written about this before, but I'm keeping so many journals and hiding so much stuff that I honestly have no idea who I've said what to. So if I'm repeating myself please forgive me.
I feel like such an outsider in everything. In the job market, in my romantic life, in my social circle, in my family. Feels like nothing is gonna work out simply because everything is on hold right now. Nothing is moving. I'm stuck. And I'm afraid of getting unstuck as well as afraid of staying stuck. Can't stay can't go. What's a girl to do?
Nervous about seeing Josh tomorrow. I've felt so awkward with him recently. I never know what to say and just end up sounding stupid when I talk. I wish I could talk to him about what I'm feeling right now. But he's got his life so on track I don't think he'd really understand where all my fear is coming from. I don't even know where all this fear is coming from.
I just feel totally unprepared for life.
But, while part of me really wants a job if only to have money and something to do during the day, another part of me is terrified. Terrified of the rejection that accompanies job hunting, of doing something wrong, of NOT getting a job. Of...I don't even know anymore.
Life seems to get so damn serious when there's nothing going on in it, then the entire fact that nothing is going on becomes incredibly serious. Because then you sink into those what's wrong with me thoughts. Why don't I have a job? Why don't I want one? Where are my friends? What if everyone hates me? Am I incompentant? And on and on.
As we can see, I'm feeling a bit depressed these days only I can find no satisfactory reason why. I mean I'm not falling off the wagon depressed. I don't wanna kill myself or anything. I'm just...bored and I don't know what to do about it. I'm sure I've written about this before, but I'm keeping so many journals and hiding so much stuff that I honestly have no idea who I've said what to. So if I'm repeating myself please forgive me.
I feel like such an outsider in everything. In the job market, in my romantic life, in my social circle, in my family. Feels like nothing is gonna work out simply because everything is on hold right now. Nothing is moving. I'm stuck. And I'm afraid of getting unstuck as well as afraid of staying stuck. Can't stay can't go. What's a girl to do?
Nervous about seeing Josh tomorrow. I've felt so awkward with him recently. I never know what to say and just end up sounding stupid when I talk. I wish I could talk to him about what I'm feeling right now. But he's got his life so on track I don't think he'd really understand where all my fear is coming from. I don't even know where all this fear is coming from.
I just feel totally unprepared for life.
