Forbidden Entry

I really wish Paul was online right now. I need someone to talk to. I was talking to Tristina earlier. She was telling me all the basic stuff, focus on yourself, stop worrying about everything etc. But it just wasn't making me feel any better. Paul always makes me feel better.

But on some level I think Tristina must be right. I'm upset and I'm not even sure what I'm upset about anymore. I think I'm just disappointed. I'm disappointed that Kevin doesn't want me back, and that Wes doesnt want me at all. The smallest gestures give me hope. The most off handed comments make me think I have a chance. That's it, it's the disappointment. I hate being disappointed.

So, okay let's see, how do you get over disappointment? I always go all spiritual when I'm disappointed. It lessons the hurt somehow. I've got two purification rituals in mind that I am going to perform as soon as Tina drifts off. Plus I need to do some breathing excercises. Wicca helps me focus on myself, just like Tris suggested.

I have a problem with focusing on myself. I don't think I am worthy of attention. I think it is better to be humble and fade into the backgriund. That being like that is more noble somehow. Yet I feel resentment when I'm not noticed. It's an awful double edged sword.

It's time to remind myself (yet again) that I'm the only person I can rely on. As much as I love my pals, they can't make this better, only I can. I wish things dint have to be that way. I wish I could have a little help. But the road to self realization is a long one and I guess I'm not as realized as I thought I was. I guess there are demons hiding out in the crevases of my brain that I totally missed the last time I straighted out my life.

Goddess be with me. Help me be strong. Allow me to excorsise all the negative energy that resides in my body, spirit, and mind. Let me grow into the person I dream of being, the Goddess I know I am. So mote it be.

I think this journal is helpful in that respect. It sort of serves to help me excorsise my negative thoughts. I pour them out on the page. And then I fill the empty space inside myself with positive thoughts. In fact positive thoughts are coming to me already. Little by little. I might have a few more by tomorrow morning.

Carla, this is not an easy journey. But if it were easy then everyone would do it. You are strong enough to withstand self-examination. Your ego will not collapse, it will only be enriched. Have faith in yourself girl.

Have Faith.

Strange Little Girl

Okay, Gemma just made me feel better about Gayle and Wes. She was reminding me of all the reasons one REALLY doesn't want to get mixed up with him, two of the most salient reasons being Heather Holmquest and Mary Morales. Any additional female competition would be on the receiveing end of much of their hostility. Who the hell needs that! And she was telling me about how Wes is one of those guys who expects his girl to deal with all his problems while he refuses to deal with their's (Kevin anyone?) And once again, I dont need that shit. So I don't have to worry about competing with Gayle, I dont think I really want Wes. Last night was just a result of feeling lonely and reaching for any guy I could imagine.

Also I spoke to Moses online for like two hours today. Pretty inbeleivable. And surprisingly enough he made me feel a bit better too. He's feeling rather lonely himself, so it was just nice to talk to someone and know that I wasn't the only one feeling this way. He made me laugh. Plus it was comforting to talk to a guy who I know is never going to make a pass at me, so I didn't have to worry about what I was saying to him. I didn't have to impress him. I was just able to be myself and be honest and say what was on my mind. Very refreshing. I think Moses and I may be headed into the territory that Clark and I currently occupy. That place where the two of us have just been through so much shit together, that it is pointless to hold resentments or to hide what we are feeling. I like that.

Right now I'm taking a break from homework. Not that I have gotten much done today seeing as I dint get up until 3. Goddess now my sleeping schedule is really gonna be fucked up!

And I did get to talk to Paul last night. He is so sweet to me. I was just like, hardcore flipping out and crying and shit and he wouldn't leave me until I started feeling better. Now there is some fucking devotion for you. I swear if he didn't live in Toronto I would totally be throwing myself at him. He is SOOOOOO sweet.

Kevin is off on his date tonight. Let's see, got rid of the idea of Wes, now I just gotta get rid of the idea of Kevin.

Suggestions? Anyone?