Forbidden Entry
Feb. 10th, 2002 04:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlI really wish Paul was online right now. I need someone to talk to. I was talking to Tristina earlier. She was telling me all the basic stuff, focus on yourself, stop worrying about everything etc. But it just wasn't making me feel any better. Paul always makes me feel better.
But on some level I think Tristina must be right. I'm upset and I'm not even sure what I'm upset about anymore. I think I'm just disappointed. I'm disappointed that Kevin doesn't want me back, and that Wes doesnt want me at all. The smallest gestures give me hope. The most off handed comments make me think I have a chance. That's it, it's the disappointment. I hate being disappointed.
So, okay let's see, how do you get over disappointment? I always go all spiritual when I'm disappointed. It lessons the hurt somehow. I've got two purification rituals in mind that I am going to perform as soon as Tina drifts off. Plus I need to do some breathing excercises. Wicca helps me focus on myself, just like Tris suggested.
I have a problem with focusing on myself. I don't think I am worthy of attention. I think it is better to be humble and fade into the backgriund. That being like that is more noble somehow. Yet I feel resentment when I'm not noticed. It's an awful double edged sword.
It's time to remind myself (yet again) that I'm the only person I can rely on. As much as I love my pals, they can't make this better, only I can. I wish things dint have to be that way. I wish I could have a little help. But the road to self realization is a long one and I guess I'm not as realized as I thought I was. I guess there are demons hiding out in the crevases of my brain that I totally missed the last time I straighted out my life.
Goddess be with me. Help me be strong. Allow me to excorsise all the negative energy that resides in my body, spirit, and mind. Let me grow into the person I dream of being, the Goddess I know I am. So mote it be.
I think this journal is helpful in that respect. It sort of serves to help me excorsise my negative thoughts. I pour them out on the page. And then I fill the empty space inside myself with positive thoughts. In fact positive thoughts are coming to me already. Little by little. I might have a few more by tomorrow morning.
Carla, this is not an easy journey. But if it were easy then everyone would do it. You are strong enough to withstand self-examination. Your ego will not collapse, it will only be enriched. Have faith in yourself girl.
Have Faith.
But on some level I think Tristina must be right. I'm upset and I'm not even sure what I'm upset about anymore. I think I'm just disappointed. I'm disappointed that Kevin doesn't want me back, and that Wes doesnt want me at all. The smallest gestures give me hope. The most off handed comments make me think I have a chance. That's it, it's the disappointment. I hate being disappointed.
So, okay let's see, how do you get over disappointment? I always go all spiritual when I'm disappointed. It lessons the hurt somehow. I've got two purification rituals in mind that I am going to perform as soon as Tina drifts off. Plus I need to do some breathing excercises. Wicca helps me focus on myself, just like Tris suggested.
I have a problem with focusing on myself. I don't think I am worthy of attention. I think it is better to be humble and fade into the backgriund. That being like that is more noble somehow. Yet I feel resentment when I'm not noticed. It's an awful double edged sword.
It's time to remind myself (yet again) that I'm the only person I can rely on. As much as I love my pals, they can't make this better, only I can. I wish things dint have to be that way. I wish I could have a little help. But the road to self realization is a long one and I guess I'm not as realized as I thought I was. I guess there are demons hiding out in the crevases of my brain that I totally missed the last time I straighted out my life.
Goddess be with me. Help me be strong. Allow me to excorsise all the negative energy that resides in my body, spirit, and mind. Let me grow into the person I dream of being, the Goddess I know I am. So mote it be.
I think this journal is helpful in that respect. It sort of serves to help me excorsise my negative thoughts. I pour them out on the page. And then I fill the empty space inside myself with positive thoughts. In fact positive thoughts are coming to me already. Little by little. I might have a few more by tomorrow morning.
Carla, this is not an easy journey. But if it were easy then everyone would do it. You are strong enough to withstand self-examination. Your ego will not collapse, it will only be enriched. Have faith in yourself girl.
Have Faith.
