Crackheaded Stranger

I just woke up from a 3 and a half hour nap. I went out to dinner with Lindsey, Jeremiah, Dave, and Katie at Perkins and the sandwich I ate there just didnt sit well with me. I started getting real bad stomach cramps and I had to punk out on Heather and the cookies and come home to rest.

OOOOO Libby just IMed me. Aw I was thinking of her the other day! I miss her so much. I wish she were still here :)

I don't know what I was thinking earlier. Why the hell would Kevin want to get back with me? I mean let's face it he broke up with me for a reason. I dont know what the hell I was trying to do in trying to use my diary to manipulate him. How god damn sick is that? I don't think I've ever been so dumb or underhanded. In fact I am going to predict what he will say to me on Monday in response to the previous entry....

Eghem.....

He will say that he thinks he and I both have too many issues that we need to work out. That he isn't ready for a relationship right now. By then he will have gotten over any guilt he may have initially had about the break up and he will come to think that it really wasn't his fault, that I am a psycho bitch, and he was right to break up with me in the first place.

I always try to get them back and I don't know why. If they don't like me, they don't like me simple as that. I should get over it. And I shouldn't let it effect how I see myself. Kevin doesn't want me. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. As the Beatles said, Let It Be.

I should really lay off the crack! I don't know where I got the idea that Kevin would want me back. I should learn not to hope for things. Hope is such a dangerous thing. Everytime I get my hopes up I'm always disappointed. I dont know why I even bother. Maybe I should just get used to the idea of being alone. Stop trying. Hermits seem to have decent lives. I was a hermit all of sophomore year and it worked for me! No boys. No girls either. Just work and good grades and peace and happiness. Well maybe not all happiness but peace for a little while.

Let's face it, I'm not the marrying type, not the kind of person you want to introduce to your mom, not even a very good companion. The only reason guys are drawn to me is because I'm sexually fast and I'm a nurturer and I mother them. Thats why I never need to have children. Because I already take care of all my friends and exs and flings and all of them! Biological need to mother is already quite staisfied!

Aw, Libby just told me she loves me. She is so sweet. I love her too. Why did she have to leave? She would have made an awesome roommate. She could be sharing our apartment next year for crying out loud!

Why do I lose evryone I love?

And the Hits just Keep Coming

I am in so much pain right now. As of now I am going on a fast because I just cant seem to keep food in me. It goes in one end and comes out the other all watery. I think I may be getting sick. In the last week me, T and Linds have all had problems keeping our food down. Goddess this hurts so much.

I have so many thoughts going through my head. I'm in a lot of pain and should be laying down but I'm not tired and I just need to write. Here is a list of everything that is wrong:

1. Diarrhea
2. Kevin
3. Lindesy's Kevin
4. Catch
5. Gayle at Larp

I dont know why I want Kevin back, I really dont. I wish I could get back to the frame of mind I was in last Saturday, or the day Wes kissed me. I didn't care about him on those days. I had other great things to think about. I wasn't worried about what he thought of me, I wasn't posing. I know he is all wrong for me. But I think I've just sunk so low I'll fucking settle for anyone even though I swore I would stop settling.

Lindsey is having problems with her Kevin as well and we have been commiserating most of the night.

All the Catch notifications seem to have gone out and I haven't gotten one. Therefore we can only assume I didn't get anything in. Heather got in, Meghan and Tina too. But not me. I am jealous. Plus, I think Marc has been named editor and chief next year BLAH!!!!! :( Now I'll never get in!

I'm hurting physically and emotionally. What's wrong with me? Why can't I be normal? Why can't I stop hoping? Why can't I just stop wanting to be with someone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!! All this anger all built up and ready to burst but I have no where to put it! I'm hurt, I'm so hurt and I'm not even sure why. Just nothing seems to be going right. School is getting harder and I cant keep my head straight.

Oh and Gayle has gone to larp tonight because she got talked into playing a crazy vampire. And Wes will be there and I just know she is gonna put the make on him and I dont want her to.

I just feel so jealous of everyone and so angry about everything. I keep trying to do stuff, get into Catch, sustain a relationship, keep on top of things, stay mentally healthy, and it all just keeps falling down! I'm so sick. So sick of trying. I just want all of this to stop. I don't want to care, I don't want to even be conscious right now. I wish I could sleep.

What have I done? What am I not doing that I should be? Where are the solutions to all of these problems? I'm tired of looking for the answers.

Why cant I find the complacency to give up?

Libby Who Saves my Life

Here is an exerpt from the IM conversation I had with Libby. I love her so much.

UFPspock: I dont think there is anything wrong with you. I love you. I have for years, since very shortly after we met, and I still think youre my best girlfriend. I miss you terribly, and sometimes wish I could steal you to live with/near me, to keep. If I love you, some guy will love you, or some girl for that matter, and you will love him/her, and it will work.

UFPspock: Oh, and as a diary reaction....you did NOT scare Kevin off. He ran off because he couldnt deal with life. That is NOT the same thing, and you need to put the blame where it belongs. Little boy Kevin. You are NOT a support group, you are supposed to be one half of a couple. If he isnt there, theres no couple, officially dating or not. Get it?

UFPspock: Carl......
Morrigirl: hmm?
UFPspock: I LOVE YOU!!!
Morrigirl: I LOVE YOU MORE :-D
Morrigirl: you are so sweeeet
UFPspock: Do not.
Morrigirl: do too
UFPspock: do not.
Morrigirl: do too
UFPspock: I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!
Morrigirl: oh you make me feel all warma nd fuzzy and gushy and mellow and sweet and sugary inside!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UFPspock: I cant tell you how I really feel about you. What you do to me would make Russ jealous.

Evil Around Every Corner

Man, I just can't get enough of putting myself down tonight.

I just feel so helpless. Like there is nothing in the world I can do to feel better. It would prolly help if I remembered to take my fucking meds. But my sleep schedule is all screwed up so I have forgotten for the last two days. I have an ASK presentation I don't want to do tomorrow. I can't eat.

Everything is awful :(

I dont know what to do. I feel like crying but I can't. See this is why no one wants me. Times like these are a prime example of why no one will date me. Because all of a sudden the world just gets so dark, and I can't see things clearly. And I dont know why. The dark just comes. It fills my head and I can't wipe it out. And everyone thinks I'm trying to get attention or asking for sympathy but no. I just want this out of my head! So I write. And I talk. And I utilize every skill they gave me in therapy in a futile attempt to make it all go away. But it doesn't. And I'm left sitting here, by myself, with my self pity strangling me and there is no one around who knows what to do with it. It just chokes me. I shut down. I, that which is truly me, goes away at times like these. I'm not who I aim to be, I am a phantom. I'm possessed.

Perpetual antenna problems are not easily fixed. I struggle, more lately then I used to. I don't know what has changed. I used to be able to remain stable. But there is no stability in my life at present. And I hate it. People keep coming and going. I get my hopes up on something only to have them bashed. I offer my love only to have it rejected.

There is something wrong and I feel so alone so helpless. I always try to mother everyone. I try to solve all of my friends problems. I want to see them happy so I try and I try and I comfort and I listen and I give advice and I cuddle them through hard times. For once, just once, I would like to have someone do that for me. I don't want anyone mothering me. I just want someone to hold me while I cry. I don't need anyone to solve my problems, or talk to me or anything like that. I just want someone physically close to touch me. Because touch brings me back to reality, physical contact reminds me of the world outside myself. I need to go there right now. But no one is here.

I want my hair stroked.