And the Hits just Keep Coming
Feb. 9th, 2002 01:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlI am in so much pain right now. As of now I am going on a fast because I just cant seem to keep food in me. It goes in one end and comes out the other all watery. I think I may be getting sick. In the last week me, T and Linds have all had problems keeping our food down. Goddess this hurts so much.
I have so many thoughts going through my head. I'm in a lot of pain and should be laying down but I'm not tired and I just need to write. Here is a list of everything that is wrong:
1. Diarrhea
2. Kevin
3. Lindesy's Kevin
4. Catch
5. Gayle at Larp
I dont know why I want Kevin back, I really dont. I wish I could get back to the frame of mind I was in last Saturday, or the day Wes kissed me. I didn't care about him on those days. I had other great things to think about. I wasn't worried about what he thought of me, I wasn't posing. I know he is all wrong for me. But I think I've just sunk so low I'll fucking settle for anyone even though I swore I would stop settling.
Lindsey is having problems with her Kevin as well and we have been commiserating most of the night.
All the Catch notifications seem to have gone out and I haven't gotten one. Therefore we can only assume I didn't get anything in. Heather got in, Meghan and Tina too. But not me. I am jealous. Plus, I think Marc has been named editor and chief next year BLAH!!!!! :( Now I'll never get in!
I'm hurting physically and emotionally. What's wrong with me? Why can't I be normal? Why can't I stop hoping? Why can't I just stop wanting to be with someone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!! All this anger all built up and ready to burst but I have no where to put it! I'm hurt, I'm so hurt and I'm not even sure why. Just nothing seems to be going right. School is getting harder and I cant keep my head straight.
Oh and Gayle has gone to larp tonight because she got talked into playing a crazy vampire. And Wes will be there and I just know she is gonna put the make on him and I dont want her to.
I just feel so jealous of everyone and so angry about everything. I keep trying to do stuff, get into Catch, sustain a relationship, keep on top of things, stay mentally healthy, and it all just keeps falling down! I'm so sick. So sick of trying. I just want all of this to stop. I don't want to care, I don't want to even be conscious right now. I wish I could sleep.
What have I done? What am I not doing that I should be? Where are the solutions to all of these problems? I'm tired of looking for the answers.
Why cant I find the complacency to give up?
I have so many thoughts going through my head. I'm in a lot of pain and should be laying down but I'm not tired and I just need to write. Here is a list of everything that is wrong:
1. Diarrhea
2. Kevin
3. Lindesy's Kevin
4. Catch
5. Gayle at Larp
I dont know why I want Kevin back, I really dont. I wish I could get back to the frame of mind I was in last Saturday, or the day Wes kissed me. I didn't care about him on those days. I had other great things to think about. I wasn't worried about what he thought of me, I wasn't posing. I know he is all wrong for me. But I think I've just sunk so low I'll fucking settle for anyone even though I swore I would stop settling.
Lindsey is having problems with her Kevin as well and we have been commiserating most of the night.
All the Catch notifications seem to have gone out and I haven't gotten one. Therefore we can only assume I didn't get anything in. Heather got in, Meghan and Tina too. But not me. I am jealous. Plus, I think Marc has been named editor and chief next year BLAH!!!!! :( Now I'll never get in!
I'm hurting physically and emotionally. What's wrong with me? Why can't I be normal? Why can't I stop hoping? Why can't I just stop wanting to be with someone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!! All this anger all built up and ready to burst but I have no where to put it! I'm hurt, I'm so hurt and I'm not even sure why. Just nothing seems to be going right. School is getting harder and I cant keep my head straight.
Oh and Gayle has gone to larp tonight because she got talked into playing a crazy vampire. And Wes will be there and I just know she is gonna put the make on him and I dont want her to.
I just feel so jealous of everyone and so angry about everything. I keep trying to do stuff, get into Catch, sustain a relationship, keep on top of things, stay mentally healthy, and it all just keeps falling down! I'm so sick. So sick of trying. I just want all of this to stop. I don't want to care, I don't want to even be conscious right now. I wish I could sleep.
What have I done? What am I not doing that I should be? Where are the solutions to all of these problems? I'm tired of looking for the answers.
Why cant I find the complacency to give up?
