Evil Around Every Corner
Feb. 9th, 2002 10:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlMan, I just can't get enough of putting myself down tonight.
I just feel so helpless. Like there is nothing in the world I can do to feel better. It would prolly help if I remembered to take my fucking meds. But my sleep schedule is all screwed up so I have forgotten for the last two days. I have an ASK presentation I don't want to do tomorrow. I can't eat.
Everything is awful :(
I dont know what to do. I feel like crying but I can't. See this is why no one wants me. Times like these are a prime example of why no one will date me. Because all of a sudden the world just gets so dark, and I can't see things clearly. And I dont know why. The dark just comes. It fills my head and I can't wipe it out. And everyone thinks I'm trying to get attention or asking for sympathy but no. I just want this out of my head! So I write. And I talk. And I utilize every skill they gave me in therapy in a futile attempt to make it all go away. But it doesn't. And I'm left sitting here, by myself, with my self pity strangling me and there is no one around who knows what to do with it. It just chokes me. I shut down. I, that which is truly me, goes away at times like these. I'm not who I aim to be, I am a phantom. I'm possessed.
Perpetual antenna problems are not easily fixed. I struggle, more lately then I used to. I don't know what has changed. I used to be able to remain stable. But there is no stability in my life at present. And I hate it. People keep coming and going. I get my hopes up on something only to have them bashed. I offer my love only to have it rejected.
There is something wrong and I feel so alone so helpless. I always try to mother everyone. I try to solve all of my friends problems. I want to see them happy so I try and I try and I comfort and I listen and I give advice and I cuddle them through hard times. For once, just once, I would like to have someone do that for me. I don't want anyone mothering me. I just want someone to hold me while I cry. I don't need anyone to solve my problems, or talk to me or anything like that. I just want someone physically close to touch me. Because touch brings me back to reality, physical contact reminds me of the world outside myself. I need to go there right now. But no one is here.
I want my hair stroked.
I just feel so helpless. Like there is nothing in the world I can do to feel better. It would prolly help if I remembered to take my fucking meds. But my sleep schedule is all screwed up so I have forgotten for the last two days. I have an ASK presentation I don't want to do tomorrow. I can't eat.
Everything is awful :(
I dont know what to do. I feel like crying but I can't. See this is why no one wants me. Times like these are a prime example of why no one will date me. Because all of a sudden the world just gets so dark, and I can't see things clearly. And I dont know why. The dark just comes. It fills my head and I can't wipe it out. And everyone thinks I'm trying to get attention or asking for sympathy but no. I just want this out of my head! So I write. And I talk. And I utilize every skill they gave me in therapy in a futile attempt to make it all go away. But it doesn't. And I'm left sitting here, by myself, with my self pity strangling me and there is no one around who knows what to do with it. It just chokes me. I shut down. I, that which is truly me, goes away at times like these. I'm not who I aim to be, I am a phantom. I'm possessed.
Perpetual antenna problems are not easily fixed. I struggle, more lately then I used to. I don't know what has changed. I used to be able to remain stable. But there is no stability in my life at present. And I hate it. People keep coming and going. I get my hopes up on something only to have them bashed. I offer my love only to have it rejected.
There is something wrong and I feel so alone so helpless. I always try to mother everyone. I try to solve all of my friends problems. I want to see them happy so I try and I try and I comfort and I listen and I give advice and I cuddle them through hard times. For once, just once, I would like to have someone do that for me. I don't want anyone mothering me. I just want someone to hold me while I cry. I don't need anyone to solve my problems, or talk to me or anything like that. I just want someone physically close to touch me. Because touch brings me back to reality, physical contact reminds me of the world outside myself. I need to go there right now. But no one is here.
I want my hair stroked.
