Dysphoria

[morrigirl]

Every morning I wake up with this suffocating feeling of dread. From the second I open my eyes I'm beset with anxiety about going to work. I roll around in the bed for a few minutes, decide I'm too scared to get up, re-set my alarm clock and go back to sleep for tne, twenty, thirty more minutes. Getting out of bed is a monumental task, not because I find the act itself difficult, but because the reason I have to get up is so distasteful. As I put on my clothes all I can think of is every possible worst case scenario that may come to fruition at the library that day. I leave the house terrified and grow more anxious the closer I get to 59th St.

This is really getting to be un-fucking-bearable. I can't even function. At work I'm irritable and lethargic. At home I'm alternately anxious and numb. I'm finding it so hard to keep in contact with people. I hate talking on the phone. I don't think I've returned a single phone call in, like, a month unless it was from someone I see or speack to on a regular basis. Heather and Claris both asked me to call them this week. I didn't. Just the thought of a long involved phone conversation full of catch up tales exhausts me. I don't have the energy or concentration for it right now. Haven't told them that. If I did they'd just want to talk about it, and I don't want to talk about it with other people. I just want to talk about it with myself. When I talk to others I want to talk about them. I want to talk like a normal person. I want to talk about boring fangirl shit, TV shows, movies, books. Nothing deep.

I haven't been able to write emails either. I have yet to respond to the last message Mr. Cibula sent me over a month ago. I just look at these long thought out paragraphs in front of me and I can't imagine being able to compose anything even half as articulate or cohesive. So I give up. I hit the "sign out" link on my yahoo account and leave all those messages to sit for another week or six.

I'm out of ideas. I keep patrolling the same places in search of a job: craigslist, university websites, library websites, the New York Times, publishing companies, theatre companies. No one has any work for me. I don't know what to do. As I said before, I can barely pay my bills these days. I need a larger paycheck and I need it now. I just don't know where to find one.

I wish I could abandon my job. I wish I could just wake up and decide "You know, I don't want to go into work. Ever." and have that be that. But I need an apartment, and food, and I have student loans that need repaying and I need money to take care of all that.

I hate money because there is never enough of it.

Comments

[ma-ee-uh.livejournal.com]

I am leaving my job in June, and am giving notice early next week. I can give you the scoop on the job, if you're interested. The title is staff writer, the office is in Times Square.

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

Scoop? Scoop you say? *grabs pen and paper* I'm listening :-D Or if you prefer a more private venue I can always be reached at morpheus620@hotmail.com Honestly, I'd love to hear about said position. Why are you leaving BTW?

[ma-ee-uh.livejournal.com]

This is why I am leaving. (http://www.livejournal.com/users/ma_ee_uh/35170.html) ;o)

Gimme just a minute, and I will email you about my job...

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

*smacks her forehead* I knew that! Jeez, why didn't I remember? Oh man, good luck to you. Do you know what grade you'll be teaching?

[ma-ee-uh.livejournal.com]

Middle or high school, depending on where I get a job.

I am almost completely terrified! But...I need to try something else, career-wise. I am pushing 30, God help me. ;o)

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

If I were ever to teach English, I'd wanna teach it to middle school students. Elementary is too young, and high schoolers are really jaded. I think junior high is the place to be. Then again I'm biased because I had a KICK ASS writing teacher in junior high who could really get the kids to sit down and learn. I remember being inspired by him in a way I couldn't have been before or since.

[ma-ee-uh.livejournal.com]

I actually am hoping for middle/JHS. :o) But...I can't count on getting a job in one. :o\

I do think there are pros and cons to each age level, though.

[yobachi2003.livejournal.com]

Getting out of bed is a monumental task, not because I find the act itself difficult, but because the reason I have to get up is so distasteful.

I can relate but not exactly for the same reason. I punch the alarm clock for about 30 minutes, then I still lay in bed and watch t.v. for another 20 before I get up, but it’s not because of anxiety; I’m just tired and want to go back to sleep. And I’d rather lay in bed and watch Sport Center and Good Morning America as opposed to come to my under-paying job to do tedious work.


I'm finding it so hard to keep in contact with people. I hate talking on the phone. I don't think I've returned a single phone call in, like, a month unless it was from someone I see or speack to on a regular basis. Heather and Claris both asked me to call them this week. I didn't. Just the thought of a long involved phone conversation full of catch up tales exhausts me. I don't have the energy or concentration for it right now.

I can relate again. People call me and I think I’m going to call them back; I tell myself for day, then I never do it. With my health condition I don’t want to have to explain what’s wrong with me, why it’s wrong with me, or why I can’t participate in this activity or the other. I just rather stay to myself. I’m apt to return a email.

I just look at these long thought out paragraphs in front of me and I can't imagine being able to compose anything even half as articulate or cohesive. So I give up.

Are you kidding me? If there’s one thing you don’t have a problem with is composing your thoughts in type. You eloquently and lengthily do it here on a regular basis. Take this post for instance. But I guess I can see how responding to someone personally can be somewhat different.

I wish I could abandon my job. I wish I could just wake up and decide "You know, I don't want to go into work. Ever." and have that be that. But I need an apartment, and food, and I have student loans that need repaying and I need money to take care of all that.

Amen to that I’m living the same thing.

You’ll work it out some how, just keep pushing ahead, and don’t dwell on the set backs.

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

You too darling. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time as well.

[silent-t.livejournal.com]

Life blows. We work and work and work, doesn't get us anywhere. I even just had my pay cut at HyVee my last paycheck was only 200 dollars for 2 weeks. Unfortunately the bilsl and loans arent getting any smaller. Finding a new job is hard, even harder to find one that meets any kind of standard. If you would have asked me 10 years ago if I were still going to be a casheir but make a quarter less per hour I'd a told you you were nuts. But, sigh, this is life. It's the shitters. I have to wake up at 5 am tomorrow to go to work, i dread waking up so much for such a useless reason that I contemplate not even going to sleep.

[nothingeverlost.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean...at least, to the fullest extent that I can. As summer approaches and I'm out of school, more assholes come into BK and get more short tempered and impatient, and I no longer have a reason to leave early or get there late. It sucks ass.

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I've totally stopped worrying about getting to work on time, and that's saying a lot since you know what a stickler I am for punctuality. I'll arrive up to 20 minutes late these days and not give a shit. Only reason I can do that is cause my boss is typically at lunch when I come in. But I hear ya bro. Shitty work of any description kills your soul.