Dysphoria

[morrigirl]

Every morning I wake up with this suffocating feeling of dread. From the second I open my eyes I'm beset with anxiety about going to work. I roll around in the bed for a few minutes, decide I'm too scared to get up, re-set my alarm clock and go back to sleep for tne, twenty, thirty more minutes. Getting out of bed is a monumental task, not because I find the act itself difficult, but because the reason I have to get up is so distasteful. As I put on my clothes all I can think of is every possible worst case scenario that may come to fruition at the library that day. I leave the house terrified and grow more anxious the closer I get to 59th St.

This is really getting to be un-fucking-bearable. I can't even function. At work I'm irritable and lethargic. At home I'm alternately anxious and numb. I'm finding it so hard to keep in contact with people. I hate talking on the phone. I don't think I've returned a single phone call in, like, a month unless it was from someone I see or speack to on a regular basis. Heather and Claris both asked me to call them this week. I didn't. Just the thought of a long involved phone conversation full of catch up tales exhausts me. I don't have the energy or concentration for it right now. Haven't told them that. If I did they'd just want to talk about it, and I don't want to talk about it with other people. I just want to talk about it with myself. When I talk to others I want to talk about them. I want to talk like a normal person. I want to talk about boring fangirl shit, TV shows, movies, books. Nothing deep.

I haven't been able to write emails either. I have yet to respond to the last message Mr. Cibula sent me over a month ago. I just look at these long thought out paragraphs in front of me and I can't imagine being able to compose anything even half as articulate or cohesive. So I give up. I hit the "sign out" link on my yahoo account and leave all those messages to sit for another week or six.

I'm out of ideas. I keep patrolling the same places in search of a job: craigslist, university websites, library websites, the New York Times, publishing companies, theatre companies. No one has any work for me. I don't know what to do. As I said before, I can barely pay my bills these days. I need a larger paycheck and I need it now. I just don't know where to find one.

I wish I could abandon my job. I wish I could just wake up and decide "You know, I don't want to go into work. Ever." and have that be that. But I need an apartment, and food, and I have student loans that need repaying and I need money to take care of all that.

I hate money because there is never enough of it.

Comments

[nothingeverlost.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean...at least, to the fullest extent that I can. As summer approaches and I'm out of school, more assholes come into BK and get more short tempered and impatient, and I no longer have a reason to leave early or get there late. It sucks ass.

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I've totally stopped worrying about getting to work on time, and that's saying a lot since you know what a stickler I am for punctuality. I'll arrive up to 20 minutes late these days and not give a shit. Only reason I can do that is cause my boss is typically at lunch when I come in. But I hear ya bro. Shitty work of any description kills your soul.