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morrigirlEvery morning I wake up with this suffocating feeling of dread. From the second I open my eyes I'm beset with anxiety about going to work. I roll around in the bed for a few minutes, decide I'm too scared to get up, re-set my alarm clock and go back to sleep for tne, twenty, thirty more minutes. Getting out of bed is a monumental task, not because I find the act itself difficult, but because the reason I have to get up is so distasteful. As I put on my clothes all I can think of is every possible worst case scenario that may come to fruition at the library that day. I leave the house terrified and grow more anxious the closer I get to 59th St.
This is really getting to be un-fucking-bearable. I can't even function. At work I'm irritable and lethargic. At home I'm alternately anxious and numb. I'm finding it so hard to keep in contact with people. I hate talking on the phone. I don't think I've returned a single phone call in, like, a month unless it was from someone I see or speack to on a regular basis. Heather and Claris both asked me to call them this week. I didn't. Just the thought of a long involved phone conversation full of catch up tales exhausts me. I don't have the energy or concentration for it right now. Haven't told them that. If I did they'd just want to talk about it, and I don't want to talk about it with other people. I just want to talk about it with myself. When I talk to others I want to talk about them. I want to talk like a normal person. I want to talk about boring fangirl shit, TV shows, movies, books. Nothing deep.
I haven't been able to write emails either. I have yet to respond to the last message Mr. Cibula sent me over a month ago. I just look at these long thought out paragraphs in front of me and I can't imagine being able to compose anything even half as articulate or cohesive. So I give up. I hit the "sign out" link on my yahoo account and leave all those messages to sit for another week or six.
I'm out of ideas. I keep patrolling the same places in search of a job: craigslist, university websites, library websites, the New York Times, publishing companies, theatre companies. No one has any work for me. I don't know what to do. As I said before, I can barely pay my bills these days. I need a larger paycheck and I need it now. I just don't know where to find one.
I wish I could abandon my job. I wish I could just wake up and decide "You know, I don't want to go into work. Ever." and have that be that. But I need an apartment, and food, and I have student loans that need repaying and I need money to take care of all that.
I hate money because there is never enough of it.
This is really getting to be un-fucking-bearable. I can't even function. At work I'm irritable and lethargic. At home I'm alternately anxious and numb. I'm finding it so hard to keep in contact with people. I hate talking on the phone. I don't think I've returned a single phone call in, like, a month unless it was from someone I see or speack to on a regular basis. Heather and Claris both asked me to call them this week. I didn't. Just the thought of a long involved phone conversation full of catch up tales exhausts me. I don't have the energy or concentration for it right now. Haven't told them that. If I did they'd just want to talk about it, and I don't want to talk about it with other people. I just want to talk about it with myself. When I talk to others I want to talk about them. I want to talk like a normal person. I want to talk about boring fangirl shit, TV shows, movies, books. Nothing deep.
I haven't been able to write emails either. I have yet to respond to the last message Mr. Cibula sent me over a month ago. I just look at these long thought out paragraphs in front of me and I can't imagine being able to compose anything even half as articulate or cohesive. So I give up. I hit the "sign out" link on my yahoo account and leave all those messages to sit for another week or six.
I'm out of ideas. I keep patrolling the same places in search of a job: craigslist, university websites, library websites, the New York Times, publishing companies, theatre companies. No one has any work for me. I don't know what to do. As I said before, I can barely pay my bills these days. I need a larger paycheck and I need it now. I just don't know where to find one.
I wish I could abandon my job. I wish I could just wake up and decide "You know, I don't want to go into work. Ever." and have that be that. But I need an apartment, and food, and I have student loans that need repaying and I need money to take care of all that.
I hate money because there is never enough of it.
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Date: 2005-05-06 01:45 pm (UTC)I can relate but not exactly for the same reason. I punch the alarm clock for about 30 minutes, then I still lay in bed and watch t.v. for another 20 before I get up, but it’s not because of anxiety; I’m just tired and want to go back to sleep. And I’d rather lay in bed and watch Sport Center and Good Morning America as opposed to come to my under-paying job to do tedious work.
I'm finding it so hard to keep in contact with people. I hate talking on the phone. I don't think I've returned a single phone call in, like, a month unless it was from someone I see or speack to on a regular basis. Heather and Claris both asked me to call them this week. I didn't. Just the thought of a long involved phone conversation full of catch up tales exhausts me. I don't have the energy or concentration for it right now.
I can relate again. People call me and I think I’m going to call them back; I tell myself for day, then I never do it. With my health condition I don’t want to have to explain what’s wrong with me, why it’s wrong with me, or why I can’t participate in this activity or the other. I just rather stay to myself. I’m apt to return a email.
I just look at these long thought out paragraphs in front of me and I can't imagine being able to compose anything even half as articulate or cohesive. So I give up.
Are you kidding me? If there’s one thing you don’t have a problem with is composing your thoughts in type. You eloquently and lengthily do it here on a regular basis. Take this post for instance. But I guess I can see how responding to someone personally can be somewhat different.
I wish I could abandon my job. I wish I could just wake up and decide "You know, I don't want to go into work. Ever." and have that be that. But I need an apartment, and food, and I have student loans that need repaying and I need money to take care of all that.
Amen to that I’m living the same thing.
You’ll work it out some how, just keep pushing ahead, and don’t dwell on the set backs.