Zen Depression

What jump started my latest reflective stint was starting to re-read "The Zen Path Through Depression" by Philip Martin. I read it last year while I was on jury duty and didn't find it at all helpful, mainly because I found it hard to relate depression to spirituality in any way shape or form. I had alotta issues with the text and that's why I've chosen to start with it as I dive back into the self-help ring. this time around i plan to examine and work out my problems with the text. And I'm beginning right...NOW!

Martin points out one of the main points of Zen Buddhism, that attachment creates suffering. We hurt ourselves in our constant search for pleasure. We exert tons of energy trying to avoid pain, and when we are content we worry about losing the thing that has made us happy, thus causing ourselves pain.

But he also points out that nothing is permanent. That everything in the world is constantly changing, nothing is permanent, therefore it isn't the impermanence that is the cause of our suffering but our attachment to all variety of impermanent things that make us unhappy because we cannot make them last forever.

He advises the reader to meditate and accept the impermanence of all things. And I of course am wondering "Well what the hell is ACCEPTANCE gonna do for you?" If one is attached to something simply accepting that it isn't lasting doesn't make it hurt any less when the thing goes away. We all know our loved ones will someday die. Doesn't make the loss of them any less painful when they leave. I can say that from first hand experience.

If this philosophy is ever to truly work, one must refrain from attaching even though Martin makes it quite clear that isn't the answer. But how else is one suppose to not hurt? Maybe I'm missing something but in order for Buddhism to work, you really can't CARE about anything. Which honestly would be all well and good if only attachment weren't such a cultural ideal.

Society tells us we should be attached to things and people: family, friends, spouse, future yadda yadda yadda. Many psychiatric disorders list lack of attachment or caring as a symptom. You are not allowed to not care in our world. You HAVE to care or else there is something wrong with you. Dependence is prized. Maybe that's why Buddhism stayed in the East. Western society just can't take the idea of independence.

I know I haven't really resolved anything with this entry, but that's okay. I'm not aiming to tie up all my ends. I'm just trying to explore the issue. Still not sure where I stand on the issue of attachment. But that's why I'm writing about it. So I can figure it out.

Safe Guarding my Computer

Okay now I'm getting pissed.

Found out once and for all that, yes, the THING that attacked my computer yesterday was the new Blaster virus that shut down computers across the country today.

Apparently there are programs you can download to protect yourself from it, which I am currently downloading. The damn thing is suppose ot attack again on the 16th and I don't wanna be caught napping.

It has taken my computer an hour to download the new programs. But now it isn't installing them. I've been sitting here for forty minutes waiting for the damn stuff to install now and the progress bar has yet to move an inch!!! I am in no mood to download all this shit again tomorrow. Took all damn day for the server to let me get as far asd I have. You know everyone with Windows ME and XP are flooding the update site trying to protect their PC's.

I'm afriad I'll be one of the unlucky shut outs who gets hit by Blaster again this weekend :-p

You Don't Know How it Feels

Gosh I write a lot. It's only because I keep forgetting to include stuff in my previous entries.

Another excersize I came across was to pay attention to how your depression feels physically. What it does to your body. I realized that I tense up around my depression. My shoulder tense, my back, my lower back especially, my face. The constant crying gives me headaches which is basically a tense cranium. I also become stressed which leads to dizzy spells. During really bad periods it makes me unable to hold down food. Before I went into the hospital last year I suddenly became lactose intolerant and was throwing up. Stomach troubles. Basically when I'm depressed my body just gets so tense it teeters on the edge of explosion or implosion. Not much difference really.

When i'm depressed I feel like I'm in the oubliette, like in the movie Labrynth. The place where you put someone to forget about them. It's dark, damp, cramped, and mildewy. You don't know how you got in and sure as hell don't know how to get out. And no one is looking for you. You jut have to sit there and waste away. There is no help.

Okay, enough reflection. Time to install the Blaster protection.

*Whinny*

You are the sea unicorn. You live in the oceans of
the world and try to stay away from danger. You
are shy and very protective of your territory.


What type of unicorn are you
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Why Can't I Breathe? - SCN

Hello Me,

Don't mind the title. Liz Phair is on VH1 right now.

Well, I have officially made the jump to livejournal. All the really juicy, contemplative entries are going in there now.

I always make it a point to write a long blubbery final entry whenever I finish a journal. Looks like it's time to put one in here.

I've never kept a journal for a year and a half straight. Maybe it was having an audience, maybe it was the lack of writers cramp that accompanies typing, I dunno, but something about this journal kept me going. I felt a stronger need to write in here than I ever have in any of my written journals.

One could easily attribute that to the major depressive relapse I had during the construction of this journal. That makes you stand out more than any other, do you know that? This journal saw me through my first depressive episode that required in patient hospitalization. It saw me through the suicide of a loved one. Saw me though the many theater productions I threw myself into in order to keep my mind off Kirk. I'd be lying if I didn't admit this journal has made a lasting impact on my psyche.

It has been a reprieve on many lonely nights when I've sat alone in my room with nothing but the computer to console me. I've poured my guts out in here. And for the most part, my thoughts and feelings have been respected by my readership, so thank you for that.

Worry not though, I'll still be around. Maybe not on the forums, or in the diaries, but I'll be floating about the site looking for and speaking to people I care about.

And I guess...those are the last words I have to say.

Take care all, thank you for letting me make my home here for a little while.

Love always,

Carla

Well, I was at one time...

Which flock do you follow?

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