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Jul. 16th, 2003
Lost in the Moment
Jul. 16th, 2003 01:47 amI should say something souldn't I?
Um...still scrounging for a job. Theresa, Josh's roomate, is helping me out. God bless her. And his other roomate Jeff is trying to get me a job at the company where he works. Who knew Josh's roomies would wind up being nicer then him? Theresa says it's just the Bar that's got him all funky, and that I should disregard anything he says to me until after the 31st. But...I dunno. I mean I was hurt the first day or two but now...I mean it would be great to have a boyfriend but I don't even fucking care anymore. I need a job first and foremost.
Reading a book about suicide at the moment. About preventative meassures, how to keep yourself alive. Not that I'm thinking of slitting my wrists or anything, but I have been pretty down lately and I'd be lying if I didn't admit to having suicidal thoughts. No impulses yet though, and i'd like to keep it that way. Thoughts change, actions don't.
The more i think about it, the more I understand why Kirk killed himself, and the more I am able to forgive him for it. He had given up and there was nothing anyone could do to give him hope. He had no friends, no family who cared for him, no job, and no resources. He was all alone. It seems now that death really was the best choice for him as much as i hate to say it. Even though he could have made frinds, could've found a job, and patched things up with his family, he couldn't because he'd lost all hope and will to live. Without that there can be no life. Hope is what propels us from one day into the next. Without it....you might as well kill yourself because life loses its meaning.
Um...still scrounging for a job. Theresa, Josh's roomate, is helping me out. God bless her. And his other roomate Jeff is trying to get me a job at the company where he works. Who knew Josh's roomies would wind up being nicer then him? Theresa says it's just the Bar that's got him all funky, and that I should disregard anything he says to me until after the 31st. But...I dunno. I mean I was hurt the first day or two but now...I mean it would be great to have a boyfriend but I don't even fucking care anymore. I need a job first and foremost.
Reading a book about suicide at the moment. About preventative meassures, how to keep yourself alive. Not that I'm thinking of slitting my wrists or anything, but I have been pretty down lately and I'd be lying if I didn't admit to having suicidal thoughts. No impulses yet though, and i'd like to keep it that way. Thoughts change, actions don't.
The more i think about it, the more I understand why Kirk killed himself, and the more I am able to forgive him for it. He had given up and there was nothing anyone could do to give him hope. He had no friends, no family who cared for him, no job, and no resources. He was all alone. It seems now that death really was the best choice for him as much as i hate to say it. Even though he could have made frinds, could've found a job, and patched things up with his family, he couldn't because he'd lost all hope and will to live. Without that there can be no life. Hope is what propels us from one day into the next. Without it....you might as well kill yourself because life loses its meaning.
Silent Night
Jul. 16th, 2003 03:32 amI hate feeling depressed. I really hate it. Every night around three AM, it kicks in. While I'm sitting all alone in my living room, in it creeps, giving me a nice over view of my life.
I'm overweight, I'm fat, I'm boring, I'm unemployed, I'm useless, I have no skills, I'm ugly, I'm unpleasant, I'm depressing, I'm dumb, I'm scared, I'm unable to take risks, I'm whiney (this entry is case and point), I'm dull, I'm worthless, I live with my Mom, I hate myself.
That just abot cover it?
Yup that's what i think to myself every night. And I write and I take online quizzes and I try my damndest not to think about it but it just comes and I can't stop it. And I hate myself for thinking these thoughts, and I hate myself for hating myself for thinking these thoughts.
But the awful part is that they are all true. I'm just wasting away. I wish I had a job, then at least I'd have a routine and routines do a lot when it comes to relieveing depression. They lift that fear of the unknown. You always know whats gonna happen next and its comforting. I could use some comfort right about now. Or...no, just some reassurence, some affirmation. I need someone to tell me I'm beautiful and useful, and fun, and interesting, and talented.
I need to hear that. Don't know if I'd actually believe it, but I need to hear it. No one around to say it though.
I'm overweight, I'm fat, I'm boring, I'm unemployed, I'm useless, I have no skills, I'm ugly, I'm unpleasant, I'm depressing, I'm dumb, I'm scared, I'm unable to take risks, I'm whiney (this entry is case and point), I'm dull, I'm worthless, I live with my Mom, I hate myself.
That just abot cover it?
Yup that's what i think to myself every night. And I write and I take online quizzes and I try my damndest not to think about it but it just comes and I can't stop it. And I hate myself for thinking these thoughts, and I hate myself for hating myself for thinking these thoughts.
But the awful part is that they are all true. I'm just wasting away. I wish I had a job, then at least I'd have a routine and routines do a lot when it comes to relieveing depression. They lift that fear of the unknown. You always know whats gonna happen next and its comforting. I could use some comfort right about now. Or...no, just some reassurence, some affirmation. I need someone to tell me I'm beautiful and useful, and fun, and interesting, and talented.
I need to hear that. Don't know if I'd actually believe it, but I need to hear it. No one around to say it though.