Barracuda

I've been wanting to write all day long but two things have stopped me from doing so.

1) I called Derek today. Left messages at his house AND at Elizabeth's. I was trying to stay off the computer so I could keep the phone line free in case he called. He didn't.

2) When I was online today I was all addicted to that new game, Rise to Power. That thing is CUT THROAT! You have to play 24/7 if you don't want any of your countries to be invaded. I played for like 2 hours today. I feel like a bum. But a contented bum.

One way or the other it's been a pretty good day all things considered. Even though it was 110 degrees today I managed to walk down to Barnes and Noble to look for new self-help books. In particular, I was on the lookout for books recommended by Mary Ellen Copeland. Low and behold I found one of the high priority titles, Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fleming, in the discount section and bought it hard cover for 8 bucks. Pretty sweet huh?

I've started reading it and it's really good. It uses cognitive therapy techniques to improve self-esteem. It contains a lot of the same excersises that Dan Larson asked me to try back in September. I wasn't ready to seriously try them back then, but I am now. So I'm keeping track of all the negative thoughts I've been having about myself today. It's a way of subverting my inner critic. It''s not what I'd call fun, but if this is what I have to do to start feeling better about myself so be it.

Anyway, after I got back from the bookstore I picked up the mail and discovered two checks adressed to me. One was my last paycheck from Knox, the other was an Illinois tax refund check. Now I have an extra 100 dollars to my name. Which is good cause I was down to my last 4.

Kirk is coming over tomorrow and I need to think of something for us to DO! Any suggestions? I'm baffled.

And I talked to Karisha and Elisabeth tonight online, and we made plans to have dinner on Wednesday.

Yes it has been a good day I say.

It's a nice change of pace.

Don't Forget FLUFFY

What the fuck! Kevin IMed me today! I haven't spoken to him in darn near three months. WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING? That just because I had an away message up alluding to my new love interest that all is forgiven and I'm ready to be his friend? What planet does he live on? Jesus Christ the boy treated me like shit and I have all the emails and IM conversations to prove it! He made me want to kill myself for crying out loud! And he thinks just cause I'm seeing someone that it's all water under the bridge? WHATEVER! Luckily I am smarter then I was three months ago. I ignored his IM and have now blocked him from my buddy list permanently. Let's face it, the two of us were never friends. All we did was fuck. He was never supportive of me, he would disagree with everything I said, and he was never consistent so I never felt I could count on him. I don't want or need him as a friend, lover, or even acquaintence. It was dumb to get involved with him in the first place. I refuse to continue the stupidity by allowing him back in my life.

In other news, I'm still trying to keep track of my negative thoughts and the purposes they serve. Yesterday I caught 14. It's kind of hard to notice mine mainly because my worst thoughts occur at night when I'm going to sleep. I lay in bed all quiet and alone and the most terrible ideas enter my head. It's hard to write down observations when you are trying to sleep. But I think I did pretty well yesterday, all things considered, and I'm staying vigilent today.

I'm beginning to realize how many people I need to write letters and emails to. I've been MIA for I'd say two weeks now, haven't had any contact with anyone out of state. Let's see, I need to write or email.....

Gayle
Heather
Miriam
Katie
Angie
Deepa
Mel

Maybe they will read this list and know that I have not forgotten about them, rather, I'm just lazy.

And speaking of not fogetting people, I'm still recieving feedback on my "Away" entry. Today Heather H. wrote me. Isn't that sweet? Hi Heather *waves.* I miss you too :)

Okay, enough silly billy, I have a world to take over Mwa ha ha!!!!!