2 Miles Later

I went on a nice long walk to the Barnes and Noble on 64th Street today. I swear B and N is becoming like Starbucks now, there's one on every corner. I guess at any given time you need two chains that together take up every corner in the city. It used to be Starbucks and the Gap. Well now that Gap is going under it looks like B and N is poised to take its place. It's kind of sad really. I remember when all we had was the small B and N on 83rd street. I liked it because it was homey and unique. And now it's a fucking superstore. I weep for my lost childhood.

Anyway, when I got back I talked to Gemma and Steffi online. Steffi was a honey and directed me to a new Chicago apartment locator website. She said it's the one she's using to find an apartment and that it's the one Gayle used too. I was playing on it for a while this afternoon and discovered that I could get a studio apartment in a nice part of town for 450 a month! How awesome is that? I could get a one bedroom for only a hundred dollars more.

Do you realize how sweet that would be? Even if I got a shitty minimum wage job I could afford 450 a month. So it looks like the prospect of me moving out of this blasted house is not so bleak after all. I was thinking, I work very well when I have a goal in life. I've currently been working towards the goal of finishing my degree. This goal obviously isn't very important to me because I haven't been doing anything to achieve it. So I think I need a NEW goal with better incentives to work towards. I've decided that new goal shall be to get out of this fucking house and into one of my own in one year! See now there is a well thought out goal. I've given myself a time frame, and it is a goal that incorperates all of the other things I should be working on. For instance I can't move out unless I can get a job and I am more likely to achieve employment with a college degree. See how I did that?

Really, it's just becoming clearer and clearer with each passing day that I am long overdue to move out of this hell hole. I've wanted to runaway since I was 6 fer cryin out loud! I tried to move in with my dad when I was 14, didn't work. I went away to college for the sole purpose of getting out of my house. I love this city I really do. But I can't afford to live here independently. And I can't spend the rest of my limited youth under my mothers thumb.

There are so many things I DON'T do because I'm afraid of what she will say, or think, sometimes I'm afriad she will make fun of me. All she does is criticsize me and I don't even DO anything. She is constantly all up in my business when I'm here and frankly I'd like to have a little business that doesn't involve her!

I've been thinking about all the things I could have if I lived on my own and supported myself. I think compiling a list might serve as incentive as I work towards independence.

A checking account (Mom would never let me have one. She didn't think there was any reason I needed checks. Well what if I want to send away for a dildo from toys in babeland huh? I don't wanna have to go through my MOM!)

A credit card

Venetian blinds (mom hates em)

My own rugs

Could walk around my apartment naked!

Don't have to have the TV on all the time

Could hold rituals without having to worry about privacy or space.

I could move furniture around

I dont have to celebrate christian holidays like Christmas.

I could unplug the phone if I wanted to

I could dust

Have my own pictures decorating my house

I could burn candles and incense constantly

I could buy my own furniture (and it would all be blue)

I could bake cookies

I could try new foods without having anyone make fun of me.

I could dance in the living room

I could workout without having anyone make fun of me

I could meditate without being made fun of or having to worry about privacy

I could invite people over without having to ask permission.

I could make a mess and clean it up at my leisure

I could s p r e a d o u t

This is just a small list of the perks of living alone. I will surely be adding to it as my plan of action take shape.

And on a completely unrelated note, I have been staring at Kevin's screen name all fucking day and getting pissed about it just being there. Why the hell do I keep him on my list? I think somewhere I'm still hoping he will IM me someday and be like oh I suck take me back...which of course I never would. Hell I would never even be his friend again he was so unsupportive of me. I just kept looking at his screen name and thinking of the girl he is probably fucking and how happy he prolly is with her and how much he doesn't miss me or even give two shits about what is going on in my life. He never cared about me. If he did he would have been a better friend and a kinder human being. So kids do you think it's time I just finally blocked him and washed my hands of this shit? Why am I even writing about this? Is it a futile attampt to see if he still reads my journal? Am I groping for a response? Am I still so fucked up I would try to win back someone who was absolutely terrible to me rather then be alone? I dunno. *shrug* Who cares right?

Gemma sent me the revised copy of our guest list. I would post it only I think one list per entry is enough. Maybe I'll put it up tomorrow. Okay I'm hungry. Food.

Hazard to Myself

It seems that my body cant keep up with my mind. This is my problem. I start getting ideas, and making plans and then all I want is to do do do, work work work, go go go. And my body just can't do all the things my head wants it to.

I was so high after writing the last entry I started going too fast. I posed my idea about dad's checks to mom. Dad sends me roughly 400$ every month as child support. I never see a dime of it because mom uses it to pay the rent. She always said she needed it because she was paying the rent all by herself. But now that Mom has Dick paying half I thought that maybe I could finally start having the money Dad sends me for myself. If I could save it all this year, 400 a month, I would have ample start up money to help me while I try to find a job and a place to live after grad. Mom told me she still uses the full 400 a month to pay her half of the rent. Meaning that basically she only pays 200 dollars in rent every month, Dick paying 600 and Dad forking over the remaining 400 in my name. She said she would think about my idea, which means she won't. I know Mom doesn't make a lot of money, but neither does Dick and he still manages to shell out 600 bucks a month. I think Mom could do it as well if only she could learn how to budget herself. I think I'm the only person in this family who excels at budgetting even a little. But I think mom is too scared to budget herself. I think she prolly feels like she is entitled to money from my dad (because he supposedly ruined her life. Whatever. She needs to learn how to take responsibility for her own bad choices.) And also I'll bet she is afraid she'll lose the standard of living she is used to if she budgets. (Not that our standard of living is all that great to begin with.) Point is, I don't expect her to take my request seriously. And it makes me angry because without start up money I have no possibility of moving out. There are lots of little things Mom does to put herself before anyone else which in and of itself is not a bad thing. We should all learn to put our own needs before those of others. But Mom was supposed to be self-sufficient over 5 years ago and she quite obviously isn't even though she could be if she tried. I want to try to be self-sufficient, but in order to do that I need monetary help to start out with, just like mom needed alimony for a few years after the divorce. Dad sends money to this address every week in an envolep addressed to me yet I never see any of it. I'm not even allowed to open the envelope. I don't think thats fair to me.

But I digress,

So I ran that idea past Mom. Then I began thinking more an more about how I could move out and how much money it would take. I came up with more ideas and more avenues to get money. Started thinking, why the hell am I sitting around here not doing anything this summer? Maybe I could get a part time job and put the money away? So I ran out for another walk to get the village voice. In B and N I went into the writing section and leafed through The Writers Market. And I started thinking that once I got a job and my own place I could start writing regularly again and maybe start submitting my work to various publications. So my mind is racing and I come back home and start circling various help wanted ads in the Voice. And I'm thinking about money, and I'm thinking about work, and cleaning my room, and doing my incompletes, and calling the shrink, and going to group.

And all of a sudden I feel faint and nauseated and I need to lay down.

All the heat, and bad nutrition, ( I hate the foods I eat.) and thinkingthinkingthinking just hit me all at once and my body had no choice but to STOP!

This is my problem. This is what makes me sick, this is what makes me fail in school. I take on too much, expect myself to be in constant motion and dont allow myself to rest.

I don't know how to get over this because I really hate resting! I feel like I need to be doing something all the time, even if it's something relatively relaxing like watching TV or reading. I can't just sit and not do anything. But my body needs me to sometimes. How do I reconcile that?

Unrelated note: Here is the revised guest list.

Heather Holmquist
Gabe
Kurt
Laurel Anderson
Megan Bartholemey
Jen Clark
Moses
Veronica
Maggie Claudy
Kevin Cartwright
Pat Morse
Sera Stack
Jenny Kepp
Justin Wilcox
Matt Lindquist
Doug Smith
Wes Williams
Rob Lebshier
Agnes Csicsai
Lauren Harrison
Will Culbertson

I know T hates Will but he's my bud. I can't have a party without inviting him! Besides he and Doug live together and it would be very rude to invite one without inviting the other. Tina gets very friendly when you get a few drinks in her. So we'll just make sure she has a few before the guests show up so by the time Will arrives she'll want to be his best friend!