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The Devil You Know
Jul. 8th, 2002 01:15 amSpent most of the day confined to my bed yet again. Strangely enough I woke up feeling pretty good. I was able to eat breakfast without any physical reaction, so I thought I was all recovered from yesterday. I got dressed, put on a pretty skirt and my velvet tank top. I've been trying too make myself look pretty the last few days. I figure it'll help my self-esteem if I can some how convince myself I'm beautiful. Anyway I was all dressed up and ready to go for a walk, then I got distracted by a movie on TV, Can't Hardly Wait, which I had never seen and found very amusing. After it was over I finally got myself up and out. I was planning on taking a realy long peaceful walk. I made it as far as Barnes and Noble and my cramps started up again full strength. I felt like I was gonna die. So I rushed back home, hopped in a nice hot bath, and began to cry hysterically.
Seems like every time I start feeling good about myself something bad happens to trigger all my bad thoughts again. It's hard to feel sexy or pretty when you insides are in knots. So I'm crying in pain and of course the pain and the crying lead me to think who the hell would ever want to deal with a girl who is not only emotionally unstable but victim to severe womanly pain that incapacitates her for a week out of every month?
That's just a sampling of the evil thoughts I've been having over the past few days. I've been thinking of cuting myself and killing myself, and how utterly intolerable I am and how I'll prolly winde up hallucinating and hearing voices and having to spend the rest of my life in an institution because I am incapable of taking care of myself. I'm such a wreck I'd consider a group home a blessing at this point. Maybe I don't belong in normal society? Maybe someone should just take me out of it, I dunno.
Anyway, back at home I retired to my bed and fell asleep and of course had weird dreams. I had this weird Star Wars-esque dream where George Lucas had invented a new light saber/laser gun typed thing and I just couldn't seem to figure out how to work it even after being instructed. And that was bad because there were people trying to kill me and I had no way to defend myself. Luckily I had a band of body guards who I called the Maboos and they followed me around and kept me safe and I thought the leader was crazy cute and in the dream I was plannng on seducing him even as I faced possible death. Yeah it was very action adventurey. And while we are on the subject, last night I had a dream I can only partially remember now. But I remember Moses was in it and he was the bad guy. He was like, planning on severely harming somebody simply because the guy had done something minor to Allison. And in it there was this annoying geek guy I was talking to online that every one told me was bad news but who I continued to speak to for some reason even though I mostly agreed with everyone but I felt it was wrong not to at least give the dude a fighting chance to prove my conclusions wrong.
They say you have vivid dreams when you are severely depressed. It's your brain's way of working through your problems. With dreams like these I'm scared to even ask what my issues are!
I'm not sure how tomorrow will turn out. I know I need to finally call a shrink before I slit my wrists. Also need to email the support group I found. I think I'll go to their meeting this week. If I'm feeling any better. I'm gonna stay home, keep myself out of comission until my period ends and my body starts acting normal again.
*sigh* I hate my life.
PS If there is another girl, I don't want to hear about her.
Seems like every time I start feeling good about myself something bad happens to trigger all my bad thoughts again. It's hard to feel sexy or pretty when you insides are in knots. So I'm crying in pain and of course the pain and the crying lead me to think who the hell would ever want to deal with a girl who is not only emotionally unstable but victim to severe womanly pain that incapacitates her for a week out of every month?
That's just a sampling of the evil thoughts I've been having over the past few days. I've been thinking of cuting myself and killing myself, and how utterly intolerable I am and how I'll prolly winde up hallucinating and hearing voices and having to spend the rest of my life in an institution because I am incapable of taking care of myself. I'm such a wreck I'd consider a group home a blessing at this point. Maybe I don't belong in normal society? Maybe someone should just take me out of it, I dunno.
Anyway, back at home I retired to my bed and fell asleep and of course had weird dreams. I had this weird Star Wars-esque dream where George Lucas had invented a new light saber/laser gun typed thing and I just couldn't seem to figure out how to work it even after being instructed. And that was bad because there were people trying to kill me and I had no way to defend myself. Luckily I had a band of body guards who I called the Maboos and they followed me around and kept me safe and I thought the leader was crazy cute and in the dream I was plannng on seducing him even as I faced possible death. Yeah it was very action adventurey. And while we are on the subject, last night I had a dream I can only partially remember now. But I remember Moses was in it and he was the bad guy. He was like, planning on severely harming somebody simply because the guy had done something minor to Allison. And in it there was this annoying geek guy I was talking to online that every one told me was bad news but who I continued to speak to for some reason even though I mostly agreed with everyone but I felt it was wrong not to at least give the dude a fighting chance to prove my conclusions wrong.
They say you have vivid dreams when you are severely depressed. It's your brain's way of working through your problems. With dreams like these I'm scared to even ask what my issues are!
I'm not sure how tomorrow will turn out. I know I need to finally call a shrink before I slit my wrists. Also need to email the support group I found. I think I'll go to their meeting this week. If I'm feeling any better. I'm gonna stay home, keep myself out of comission until my period ends and my body starts acting normal again.
*sigh* I hate my life.
PS If there is another girl, I don't want to hear about her.
