Hazard to Myself
Jul. 9th, 2002 09:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlIt seems that my body cant keep up with my mind. This is my problem. I start getting ideas, and making plans and then all I want is to do do do, work work work, go go go. And my body just can't do all the things my head wants it to.
I was so high after writing the last entry I started going too fast. I posed my idea about dad's checks to mom. Dad sends me roughly 400$ every month as child support. I never see a dime of it because mom uses it to pay the rent. She always said she needed it because she was paying the rent all by herself. But now that Mom has Dick paying half I thought that maybe I could finally start having the money Dad sends me for myself. If I could save it all this year, 400 a month, I would have ample start up money to help me while I try to find a job and a place to live after grad. Mom told me she still uses the full 400 a month to pay her half of the rent. Meaning that basically she only pays 200 dollars in rent every month, Dick paying 600 and Dad forking over the remaining 400 in my name. She said she would think about my idea, which means she won't. I know Mom doesn't make a lot of money, but neither does Dick and he still manages to shell out 600 bucks a month. I think Mom could do it as well if only she could learn how to budget herself. I think I'm the only person in this family who excels at budgetting even a little. But I think mom is too scared to budget herself. I think she prolly feels like she is entitled to money from my dad (because he supposedly ruined her life. Whatever. She needs to learn how to take responsibility for her own bad choices.) And also I'll bet she is afraid she'll lose the standard of living she is used to if she budgets. (Not that our standard of living is all that great to begin with.) Point is, I don't expect her to take my request seriously. And it makes me angry because without start up money I have no possibility of moving out. There are lots of little things Mom does to put herself before anyone else which in and of itself is not a bad thing. We should all learn to put our own needs before those of others. But Mom was supposed to be self-sufficient over 5 years ago and she quite obviously isn't even though she could be if she tried. I want to try to be self-sufficient, but in order to do that I need monetary help to start out with, just like mom needed alimony for a few years after the divorce. Dad sends money to this address every week in an envolep addressed to me yet I never see any of it. I'm not even allowed to open the envelope. I don't think thats fair to me.
But I digress,
So I ran that idea past Mom. Then I began thinking more an more about how I could move out and how much money it would take. I came up with more ideas and more avenues to get money. Started thinking, why the hell am I sitting around here not doing anything this summer? Maybe I could get a part time job and put the money away? So I ran out for another walk to get the village voice. In B and N I went into the writing section and leafed through The Writers Market. And I started thinking that once I got a job and my own place I could start writing regularly again and maybe start submitting my work to various publications. So my mind is racing and I come back home and start circling various help wanted ads in the Voice. And I'm thinking about money, and I'm thinking about work, and cleaning my room, and doing my incompletes, and calling the shrink, and going to group.
And all of a sudden I feel faint and nauseated and I need to lay down.
All the heat, and bad nutrition, ( I hate the foods I eat.) and thinkingthinkingthinking just hit me all at once and my body had no choice but to STOP!
This is my problem. This is what makes me sick, this is what makes me fail in school. I take on too much, expect myself to be in constant motion and dont allow myself to rest.
I don't know how to get over this because I really hate resting! I feel like I need to be doing something all the time, even if it's something relatively relaxing like watching TV or reading. I can't just sit and not do anything. But my body needs me to sometimes. How do I reconcile that?
Unrelated note: Here is the revised guest list.
Heather Holmquist
Gabe
Kurt
Laurel Anderson
Megan Bartholemey
Jen Clark
Moses
Veronica
Maggie Claudy
Kevin Cartwright
Pat Morse
Sera Stack
Jenny Kepp
Justin Wilcox
Matt Lindquist
Doug Smith
Wes Williams
Rob Lebshier
Agnes Csicsai
Lauren Harrison
Will Culbertson
I know T hates Will but he's my bud. I can't have a party without inviting him! Besides he and Doug live together and it would be very rude to invite one without inviting the other. Tina gets very friendly when you get a few drinks in her. So we'll just make sure she has a few before the guests show up so by the time Will arrives she'll want to be his best friend!
I was so high after writing the last entry I started going too fast. I posed my idea about dad's checks to mom. Dad sends me roughly 400$ every month as child support. I never see a dime of it because mom uses it to pay the rent. She always said she needed it because she was paying the rent all by herself. But now that Mom has Dick paying half I thought that maybe I could finally start having the money Dad sends me for myself. If I could save it all this year, 400 a month, I would have ample start up money to help me while I try to find a job and a place to live after grad. Mom told me she still uses the full 400 a month to pay her half of the rent. Meaning that basically she only pays 200 dollars in rent every month, Dick paying 600 and Dad forking over the remaining 400 in my name. She said she would think about my idea, which means she won't. I know Mom doesn't make a lot of money, but neither does Dick and he still manages to shell out 600 bucks a month. I think Mom could do it as well if only she could learn how to budget herself. I think I'm the only person in this family who excels at budgetting even a little. But I think mom is too scared to budget herself. I think she prolly feels like she is entitled to money from my dad (because he supposedly ruined her life. Whatever. She needs to learn how to take responsibility for her own bad choices.) And also I'll bet she is afraid she'll lose the standard of living she is used to if she budgets. (Not that our standard of living is all that great to begin with.) Point is, I don't expect her to take my request seriously. And it makes me angry because without start up money I have no possibility of moving out. There are lots of little things Mom does to put herself before anyone else which in and of itself is not a bad thing. We should all learn to put our own needs before those of others. But Mom was supposed to be self-sufficient over 5 years ago and she quite obviously isn't even though she could be if she tried. I want to try to be self-sufficient, but in order to do that I need monetary help to start out with, just like mom needed alimony for a few years after the divorce. Dad sends money to this address every week in an envolep addressed to me yet I never see any of it. I'm not even allowed to open the envelope. I don't think thats fair to me.
But I digress,
So I ran that idea past Mom. Then I began thinking more an more about how I could move out and how much money it would take. I came up with more ideas and more avenues to get money. Started thinking, why the hell am I sitting around here not doing anything this summer? Maybe I could get a part time job and put the money away? So I ran out for another walk to get the village voice. In B and N I went into the writing section and leafed through The Writers Market. And I started thinking that once I got a job and my own place I could start writing regularly again and maybe start submitting my work to various publications. So my mind is racing and I come back home and start circling various help wanted ads in the Voice. And I'm thinking about money, and I'm thinking about work, and cleaning my room, and doing my incompletes, and calling the shrink, and going to group.
And all of a sudden I feel faint and nauseated and I need to lay down.
All the heat, and bad nutrition, ( I hate the foods I eat.) and thinkingthinkingthinking just hit me all at once and my body had no choice but to STOP!
This is my problem. This is what makes me sick, this is what makes me fail in school. I take on too much, expect myself to be in constant motion and dont allow myself to rest.
I don't know how to get over this because I really hate resting! I feel like I need to be doing something all the time, even if it's something relatively relaxing like watching TV or reading. I can't just sit and not do anything. But my body needs me to sometimes. How do I reconcile that?
Unrelated note: Here is the revised guest list.
Heather Holmquist
Gabe
Kurt
Laurel Anderson
Megan Bartholemey
Jen Clark
Moses
Veronica
Maggie Claudy
Kevin Cartwright
Pat Morse
Sera Stack
Jenny Kepp
Justin Wilcox
Matt Lindquist
Doug Smith
Wes Williams
Rob Lebshier
Agnes Csicsai
Lauren Harrison
Will Culbertson
I know T hates Will but he's my bud. I can't have a party without inviting him! Besides he and Doug live together and it would be very rude to invite one without inviting the other. Tina gets very friendly when you get a few drinks in her. So we'll just make sure she has a few before the guests show up so by the time Will arrives she'll want to be his best friend!
