Footsie

I spent the entire day out and about :) I left the house at 2:30 this afternoon, didn't get home until 11:30. I am very proud of myself.

I would have stayed in the dorm all day, only it was just too hot. I woke up sweating, and after taking a shower found that the air was so humid I couldn't even dry off properly. T was taking a nap, so being overly hot and having no reason to stay in the room, I went over to the library where they have air conditioning. I took my new book and planned to go read for a while.

On the way over I ran into Norman, who I hugged really tight and told how much I would miss him next year.

I got the the library and basked in the AC. At 3:30 I went over to the Gizmo to get breakfast. There I ran into Adrienne and Dave K. I sat around and talked to them for an hour. After deciding to meet in an hour for dinner, I went back to the lovely cool haven of the library and continued reading.

Met Adrienne for dinner. Dave, Mim, and T wound up joining us. Mim has a job set up for herself after graduation and plans on moving in with her boyfrind. All the seniors seem set. They all have a plan and sound like they will be able to make it after graduation. I'm glad.

After dinner Adrienne and I, dorks that we are, went back to the library and read our respective books together. We propped our feet up on the table and played footie with each other and made fun of the Beta's playing soft ball outside. It was very cute. Soon Dave reappeared and we all had fun political conversation. Around 11 Adrienne and I went to the Gizmo for a pre-midnight snack.

I like hanging out with Adrienne a whole lot. She is terribly cool, and even though I feel kind of dumb and speechless sometimes I really enjoy talking to her. I still feel like I should be making a move, but now that I'm feeling better I don't know if I want to. Oh you've heard this before! It's my eternal dilemma: do I want...something, or do I not want anything? Some nights I would kill to be kissed, others I'm glad I have my books to keep me warm.

I feel uncomfortable hanging out with her alone in my room. I feel like I have to do something, like I have to be entertaining, I have to be interesting, I have to...DO something. Today was one of those days i just wanted my books to keep me warm. So I was happy to keep Adrienne's company in the nice cool space of the library just flirting, and talking, and having fun.

I'm trying not to worry, or push myself, or conversely, to seem too stand-offish.

I have lots of friends I need to spend time with before the end of the week. I must go roller skating on Monday, then there's the big Jalisco's outing on Wednesday, and we need to do ghost story night, and Buffy night again.

But today was fine. It was both relaxing, and social. It is rare that I can find ways to mix those two activites. I guess I have Adrienne to thank for that, for being as nerdy and bookish as I am :)

Bothering Me Again

Okay, here is a question that I have been pondering quite a bit this year, what with the two major break ups I've been through and all, is it at all possible for a depressed person to find love?

I've read book after book, article after article, advising depressed people not to get involved in relationships and conversely, for people not to get romantically involved with a depressed person. I understand the reasoning behind this advice. A depressed person needs time to heal, to love themselves, to work out their issues. Furthermore it is generally noted that someone who is depressed is not in any emotional state to truly care for another person. If one half of a couple is depressed normally neither person can have their needs met.

But if one is chronic, if one is doomed to live a life full of emotional trials and relapses how can anyone love them? With all this advice not to get involved with a depressed person, are the chronically depressed doomed to live loveless lives? Do depressed people not deserve to be involved in romantic relationships? Does our disease make us totally unlovable?

My experience would say yes, and I'm not trying to put myself down by saying that. It's just a fact. No one I have been involved with has ever been able to deal with my dark side, no one has ever been willing to make the effort. From my end it looks like the stigma of depression along with the effort it takes to love someone with a chronic disease makes depressives doomed to lives without real love relationships.

Is this true? Is there no hope? Should I just give up now and join a nunnery? Or are there people out there who would not be daunted by the task of loving a diseased person?

If anyone has the answer, I would love to hear it: morpheus620@hotmail.com