Whats Wrong With Me

Kevin has a new girlfriend. Says he isn't interested in me at all anymore. I was hoping he would be. I'm dumb. I'm crying. For months and months I've been asking people whats wrong with me? Why isn't anyone interested in me? Well I asked Kev, and he was the only one to actually give me an honest answer. I know he's asked me not to post our conversations in this journal, but seeing as he is not going to be in my life anymore, FOR REAL, I don't have to give a shit how he feels. Here's why he said he didn't want to be with me.

"You are way to depressing for me to be with. The way I am I need to be with someone who is the opposite to bring me up. I felt when I was with you that I was getting weighted down and pulled under. We also have absolutely nothing in common from our growing up to now and in the things we like etc. Plus in your wanting to change the world and peoples opinions I think you are too combative."

Well, at least now I know whats wrong with me. I was right all along.

With or Without You

I decided to go to class. I figured that talking to Christopher about last night's Buffy episode would make me feel better. I was right. It did. Also he surprised me by having FIVE more episodes for me to watch. Guess who isn't doing any homework tonight?

Not that I would have been doing any anyway. Today is the start of tech week which means from now until Saturday my life revolves around Mary Morales. We have call at 5:30 tonight so we can fix hair, makeup, and costumes. The actual run starts at 7:30 and who knows how long that will go. Mary said it'll be very stop and go. There are lots of corrections that need to be made in the rumpus scene.

So luckily I won't really have much time to reflect on anything Kevin said today. This is a good thing. I enjoy rehearsals, everyone is so goofy, I'm sure it will lift my spirits a bit more.

I made an appointment to see Dean Bailey on Wednesday. I was just bawling while I was Iming Kevin earlier. I think that's the last straw. I can't do this anymore. I really want to give up. I'm tired of all the trying, I don't have the physical or emotional resources to try right now. I need a nice deep rest, and Galesburg isn't equipt to give me that. I need to talk to him and figure out what to do. I'm so confused.

But even so I'm numb. Nothing matters. They matter even less after today. At least winning Kevin back was some goal, something to strive for. I don't have anything to strive for now. I don't know what I should be doing and I don't know what I can do. I need help. I need options. I need tools and material to work with.

I dont feel like I have any of the above.