Live and Let Love

I can't sleep. I was tired, but then Clark came over and now I'm not anymore.

He made me feel bad. I know he didn't mean to, but he did. I prolly should have told him. I felt bad after I hung out at his place before break, and I feel bad now, and I used to feel bad after we would make out. See a pattern here?

Just talking to him made me feel all defective again. I mean I was feeling pretty nifty before hand. Adrienne and I were flirting our heads off at dinner. It's getting more and more suggestive by the night. And I was feeling really great about that. Well kinda. Flirting with Adrienne makes me feel special and powerful and excited. And I know I should just go up to her and be like "let's go out to Landmark or something." But something in me likes keeping her as a fantasy. Something inside me is yelling "don't touch!"

Furthermore, I don't really feel like I want to be touched. I have not felt the least bit horny in weeks! I don't want sex, I really don't. I'm not even sure I want to be kissed anymore.

I want to be valued.

I feel worthless in the romantic arena. No one likes me, no one wants me. And it wouldn't matter if they did because I'm not in the mood for a romantic relationship right now. Yet I crave the emotional security that accompanies it.

That's it, I want emotional security.

Anyone got any to spare?

Cast List

I shouldn't complain. One good thing has happened today. I got cast in Where the Wild Things Are. Here is the cast list:

Narrators: Cori Jeffrey and Chris Nelson

Max: Noah Dorson

Shadows: Carla Criscuolo, Yaritza De Jesus, Lauren Harrison, Bryan LeClaire, Wesley Williams

Water Monsters: Tara Converse, Kira Horel, Ketaki Jain, Sarah Lammie

Wild Thangs: Mayank Anand, Randy Colwell, Dana Cook, Katie Nelson

The Narrators, Max, and The Shadows are on stage for the entirety of the show. Shadows don't talk much, they are movement oriented. This should be...different :)

Heresy

This town sucks! I just got back from the mall where I went to run some errands and obtain a new CD for myself. And God Dammit they didn't have the new Tanya Donelly album (Beautysleep)OR the new Bif Naked (Purge.) All they have is fucking Britney Spears, what the hell?!

Well if anyone wants to send me a little easter present those two albums are on my list.

Right now I am IMing Gayle. Apparently Clark found her last night because the two of them made out in Wallace lounge until the wee hours of the morning. I'm also watching one of my favorite movies, the Shawshank Redemption.

I think I'm gonna make a tape of positive and uplifting music for myself. I could really use it.

Action

Jeez Louise, everybody got action last night except for me! Gayle got some, Clark got some, Heather got some. Why don't I get any?

Am I ugly or something? God just listening to everyone's exploits makes me feel like such shit! I am constantly feeling defective these days, CONSTANTLY! The only times I feel happy is when I'm doing my homework. Now how pathetic is that? Confidence resides in my ability to analyze literature. Alotta good that'll do me.

I just wanna go home. Can I go home? I feel confident at home. I feel good at home. I just want this term to be over and all the drama to end, and everyone to graduate so I can sink back into myself and feel whole again. Shit!

Why do I feel so awful all the time? I don't think these meds are working anymore. I may have stopped wanting to hurt myself but I still feel inherently flawed. If I had any free time to go see a counselor I would. But Dan Larson is useless, I've tired of his stratagies, they don't work for me. And I can't haul my ass out to Bridgeway every week.

I just want to get out of this setting. I'm beginning to feel the way I did at the end of freshman year, like I've worn out my welcome, like I've burned all my bridges. I don't like that.

I just want out of here :(