All This Death

It is like death outside. Every inch of ground is covered in white and the wind is packing a mighty punch. I'm wearing three layers of clothes, one of which is a wool sweater and I'm still freezing my ass off.

I am freaking out mighty damn bad as I write this. I went to fiction class today and discovered that simply walking across campus in this weather was enough to completely tire me out. I was totally useless in class. The antibiotics I am on don't seem to be helping me. All they are doing is upsetting my stomach. I felt nauseated all through class and I even had to get up once, go to the bathroom and have a nice long cry. Robin suggested I take an incomplete in a class or two. That upset me even more. So I had to have another long cry after I got out of class. I can't afford to drop anything. If I do it means no graduation for me...EVER! But I'm so frightened of taking any incompletes. I dont want to spend my spring break doing homework. But I might just have to.

At any rate, after class I made an appointment to see Dean Bailey tomorrow. Maybe he can help me a little. Plus, I feel so bad I think I'm gonna go to the emergency room tonight since all the doctors offices are closed now.

I feel so sick and I'm so scared I really dont know what to do.

Some additional yet not as pressing worries: I really want to try out for "Why We Have a Body" which is going up in studio next term. The auditions are this Thusday. I haven't done real theater in so long and I would kill to get cast. But I'm afraid I wont be well enough to go :(

Also I'm afraid I'm becoming to dependent on Kevin. I'm IMing him as I write because I just need someone to talk to. But at the same time I'm afraid I'm freaking him out. Everyday I look forward to talking to him. I don't like that. I don't like feeling myself care. I don't like the amount of reliance I am currently placing on him. I should be able to take care of myself. I don't like...wanting him to take care of me, even if I am sick. I want to be self reliant but I don't feel like I am right now and I'm afraid that will scare him away and just...everything is a mess right now!

The Doctor is Out to Lunch

I went ot he ER last night at like 1AM. I meant to go earlier but I came home from dinner and just fell right asleep. Than I woke up at midnight and began crying because I still didn't feel any better. I was sitting on my bed bawling when Tina came in. She had just gotten back from an all day trip to Chicago and she still offered to come with me to the emergency room. Now there's a friend for ya. We waited out on the loading dock in the freezing cold waiting for the cab for like ever. During that time Tina told me stories and jokes to make me laugh and feel a little better even though I was sick. She is so sweet :)

Anyway we get there and a new doc checks me out. He says Dr. Mckinley misdiagnosed me. I don't have strep, what I have is a viral infection of the sinuses. She had given me antibiotics that work for throat problems but do not effect the head or sinuses. No wonder my symtoms weren't getting any better, I was taking drugs for symptoms I didn't have. Grrrr.

So he gave me a prescription for Amoxicillin. We waited forever for the nurse to bring it in to us. And when I went to go ask the nurse how long it would take she gave me attitude and I, of course, started to cry again. Finally she came in with the prescription and she gave me a shot in my hip of I dunno what but it totally knocked me out. We got home at 3 and I went straight to sleep.

Went to see Dean Bailey this morning. He said he would email all my profs and excuse all my absences. He also said that if in the next two weeks before the term ends I can't catch up on my work and I need to take an incomplete in one or all of my classes, he will let me. I just need to email him.

I've been thinking about comforting images while I've been trapped in my bed. My favorite is the thought of lacing my toes through sand, like on the beach. Southern beaches are the best. The ones up north just don't have the same feel to them. The last time I can remember going to a southern beach was the last time I went to visit dad...6 YEARS AGO!!!!

I also like the thought of holding a sleeping baby. Kids are great when they are unconscious. They are just these little balls of undiscovered energy and they just float thee when you hold them. Aw.

Anyway, that's it. Back to bed with me.

Carla

Dipshit

God I have been so overly sensitive ever since I got sick. There has been too much crying. It takes so little to piss me off or get me sad.

Take tonight for example, I was walking home and Marc was walking towards me. Our eyes met straight on. The boy did not even acknowledge me. Did not say hello, just averted his eyes and started singing to himself!

Its been 5 god damm months! Not to mention that he is the one who broke up with me. He said he didn't want to be my friend. Fine, he's an ass, no big loss. But I expect some moticum of civility! It is very sophomoric to ignore someone for the sake of ignoring them, I know I used to do it all the time. But the fact that if I walk into a room he will walk out, or if I'm walking down a hall he'll turn around, obviously means he still feels uncomfortable for some ungodly reason! Which makes no sense seeing as he was the one who did the breaking up, and the one who put an end to our friendship, logically he should be the one in control. I should be running from him. But I'm not about to let his presence drive me out of places I want to be. If the very fact that I EXIST is whats bothering him he really needs to grow up!

Okay, I'm done.

Carla