The Wes and Clark Situation

Gayle and I just had a heart to heart about Wes and Clark. We should start our own mutual jealousy society. I cant explain the conversation so here is the IM copy. For all to see.

Kdc4evr: i just got an IM from Wes saying Yep, its time to make out with me
Morrigirl: oo whats his Im let me harrass him
Morrigirl: :-)
Kdc4evr: its not his IM name i dont think
Morrigirl: blah
Kdc4evr: and it signed off
Kdc4evr: k, that freaked me out
Morrigirl: Gayle and wessy sitting in a tree
Kdc4evr: carla, stop it
Morrigirl: kissing
Morrigirl: first comes love
Morrigirl: then comes marriage
Kdc4evr: 2 things freaking me out tonight and the constant teasing from you people
Kdc4evr: what am i gonna do
Morrigirl: then comes Heather with a machete!
Kdc4evr: lol
Morrigirl: what else is freaking you out
Morrigirl: ?
Kdc4evr: i like that song
Morrigirl: what song
Kdc4evr: the fact that you talked to clark about me (i know it was about you, but still)
Kdc4evr: your ending to that song
Morrigirl: whyd does that freak you out? And what do you think I said?
Kdc4evr: i have no idea and i have no idea
Morrigirl: I told him that I felt real uncomfortable with the fact that I feel like I have to compete with you when I have no intention of competing. Like you werent serious about going after Wes until I kissed him. and even though I had no intention of pursuing him, I feel now like I have to defend myself somehow because you feel threatened. And Clark has been a real Godsend to me over the past few months. he has been a sweetie and listened to me and been very supportive. Its almost like it was back before we slept together. Like were just buddies again. that shouldnt bother you.
Kdc4evr: that doesnt bother me
Morrigirl: then why does it bother you that i spoke to him?
Kdc4evr: and you making out with wes didnt make me serious about going after him
Kdc4evr: im just jealous that you get to talk to him and i dont
Morrigirl: But you could. you just choose not to.
Kdc4evr: no, that and i never see him
Morrigirl: Ive said it before and ill say it again. If you wantto talk to him go find him. You know where he lives. You know who his friends are. It wouldnt be difficult
Kdc4evr: except that it would, cause it is me and i am dumb
Morrigirl: well thats not my problem
Kdc4evr: i know
Kdc4evr: im not saying it is
Morrigirl: you could go see him but you dont. Im sorry.
Kdc4evr: its ok
Kdc4evr: but when your jealous, its supposed to be good to admit it, right, and im jealous that you can talk to him and i cant (even if it is my own fault)
Morrigirl: okay then Im jealous you get to see Wes more often, that you get to talk to him, and have the chance of getting more than a chance encounter with him.
Kdc4evr: a very slim chance at that, i wonder what was up with that IM
Kdc4evr: and i dont see him much now that hes on a leave of absence
Morrigirl: you still see him more then I do. you are still friendlier with him then i ever was
Kdc4evr: true
Kdc4evr: so do we have some sort of weird mutual admiration society here or something?
Morrigirl: idont know. More like a mutual I secretly hate you society
Kdc4evr: but i dont hate you
Morrigirl: uh...yeah.. I dont hate you either


PS I got more of a chance to speak with Heather Holmquest tonight. She's a real sweet girl. Heard all about the Wes incident and doesn't hate me for it. That's good. Glad I didn't hurt...well...too many people.

Crack, Crack Everywhere!!!

I'm not the only one on crack anymore!

Just got finished IMing Kevin, yet again.

He wants to get back together. Well...not exactly. He thinks we should talk and get to know each other better and just take things real slow while I'm away and then hang out when I get home and see what happens.

Boy oh boy, I so do not need this shit! I have a crap load of homework to finish up tonight, we have to prevent Gayle from getting too into Wes cause he's just gonna break her heart. Aside from the fact that we now think he is totally fucking with her! Gemma is sick. Just...BLAH!

I really dont know how to feel about this. I mean I really missed him, dipshit that I am, I did genuinely miss him. Even with everyone telling me I shouldn't and that I should be glad he was now out of my life. I dont know if I missed HIM or if I just missed having SOMEONE! I mean, I didn't even like Wes and then ideas started popping in my head after that kiss and Gayle and stuff. Do I just want someone? Would I be settling for Kevin?

I don't have the answers to these questions.

But I do know that I care. For now I care. So I will talk to him and I will see what happens. I will see how I feel.

Tf it becomes clear that this is not going to work I will not hesitate to lose him. Just like I lost Adam, Sebastien, Dylan, Leigh, even Moses, Dannielle and Clark for a while. When a relationship becomes useless I know how to trash it.

I'm willing to give this a chance because I care too much. Because I want to hold on. Because change is scary. Because I feel like he SHOULD be able to understand me even if at the moment he doesn't.

But I don't want to mother him all the time. I don't want to be his verbal punching bag.

Oh goodness oh goodness. This is too weird. I'll write some more later.

*sigh*