In Theory

[morrigirl]

Half of me wants to be cuddled and coddled and told that everything will be alright, that I am loved by many. The other half wants to push away anyone who even attempts such affectionate behavior. This half doesn't want to be touched or spoken to. She definitely doesn't want to speak. She wants complete solitude, the total absence of human contact.

That's what happens when I get lonely, I long for the comfort of another's presence, for the affirmation such interaction would convey, that I am an individual worthy of spending time with. The part of me that wants none of it is the part that tells me I'm NOT worthy of company. That I should get used to being alone. I shouldn't rely on others for anything because no one will ever be there to help me.

I don't know which is worse, relying too much on others or not relying on anyone at all. Both options are so...lonely!!! Is there a happy balance? Is there a happy balance for me? What's the deal with me and my extremes? Why can't I sit happily in the middle, away from all the chaos? Why do I seem to like chaos so much?

Comments

From the OM V 1.0

[(Anonymous)]

There is no perfect middle because nothing is absolutely perfect. I was alone for the first years of my life, then I became too dependant and I got screwed over. For me, being alone and not having to worry about anyone else is as close to a perfect situation as I could ever get, though I choose to have a few select people that I associate with that I think could keep up with me near a level that is all my own. It is like a modified version of the old cliche - I am alone with my few friends surrounding me.

On the subject

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

I used to live like that. HOwever now that I'm older, relying on no one and simply surrounding myself with two or three good friends just isn't satisfying. My friends, at least my New York friends, don't do any more for me than my acquaintences do. That's why I'm saying there must be a middle. Being alone, and being too reliant are both lonely miserable options.