Full circle, I've not moved an inch.

[morrigirl]

Yesterday I was flipping through my senior writing portfolio and decided to read through "Thieves Like Us." Damn, everytime I read that story I'm amazed at how strong it is. That there is a lit. mag. quality piece of writing. If I'd just hunker down, tighten up the sentences, and fix the tense problems I'd have something publishable. Why the bloody fuck don't I do it?

I'll tell ya why, because I'm lazy and scared. I'm not scared of being rejected. Form rejection letters from literary magazines aren't personal enough to trigger self-loathing, not in my case at any rate. I'm scared of putting in all the effort to make said story submission worthy. I'm afraid I'll miss something while I'm slaving away, miss a mistake in the story, miss an interesting show on television, miss some wonderful opportunity I'd have been in on had I not been typing. I'm afraid writing will isolate me from the world because it always has. Well, that's not true. Writing hasn't isolated me from the world, it's what I do when I find myself to be isolated. When I'm depressed, I write. When I'm being ignored, I write. When I'm left out, I write. That's how it's always been, so I associate writing with being alone. We all know I'm not to good at this whole "living" thing. Socializing, making friends, acting and interacting in the world, none of it comes easy to me, even so I don't want to miss any opportunity to do any of the above, and I'm afraid if writing takes precedence I will. Which is of course an absolutely RETARDED excuse since I do very little "living" even when I'm not writing. No, I sit on my ass and watch Battlestar Galactica. (Which, by the way, is a great show.)

I know other people who manage to write seriously everyday, and still have a life. I don't know how they do it. I feel like I'll never be focused or confident enough to write professionally.

*sigh*

I really wanna go to grad school.

I want an MFA so bad I can taste it. I could do more with a masters degree. I could teach (lord help us,) I'd have a better shot at getting my work published. I'd have something to do other than plod along in this terribly depressing job. Great irony of that statement is that I can't even apply to graduate school until I get a new job. Actually...no, that's not even true. There are plenty of good low-residency creative writing MFA programs in the Northeast. Bennington has one, so do Goucher, Norwich, Spalding, Lesley, etc. They just cost so much. They just require so many letters of recommendation I'd never be able to drum up.

I got some information about Brooklyn College's MFA program last week. It looked great, and best of all it's CHEAP! I could totally get into their program, however that's the one I'm gonna need a new job before I can apply to.

I wish there were someone who'd just tell me what to do, let me know what my next move should be. Job hunting is growing more discouraging by the minute, and my writing is stuck. I need someone or something to pump some life into me. Ah, look we've returned to the idea of "life," "living." We've come full circle. I've not moved an inch.

Comments

[ma-ee-uh.livejournal.com]

You don't have to be in an MFA program to write, but you don't have to write alone, either. Suggestion: Enroll in a writing course somewhere. Ya know, something that meets once a week at night.

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

You said the two magic words, "at night." Most writing classes, whether they be through a university or through a community center are held after 6 PM when most adults have gotten off work, or during the weekend when most adults aren't working at all.

I, however, am not most adults. I work from 2-10 PM on weekdays which means I'm only availible before 1 PM. Believe me I've tried locating writing classes that are held during that time. I've not been able to find any. I've been looking for a year and a half now. I still recieve University Bulletins and YMCA catalogues every few months hoping to find a writing class that fits into my schedule. I haven't.

Other classes meet on Saturdays, unfortunately I work from 9-5 on Saturdays and am therefore unable to attend. Friday and Sunday are my days off and for whatever reason I've never seen an upper level writing class scheduled on one of those days.

And that is why I need a new job before I can enroll in any writing classes.

And I know I don't have to be in an MFA program to write, I'm just not very good at motivating myself and having the structure of a degree program to push me would definitely help, not to mention that most editors are more willing to look at work submitted by persons with masters degrees.

[ma-ee-uh.livejournal.com]

Oh, OK.

Why not take an undergrad class -- one that meets in the morning? I realize you have a B.A., but if the goal is mainly structure, an undergrad class would do the trick.

not to mention that most editors are more willing to look at work submitted by persons with masters degrees

This may be true, but try not to tell yourself you can *only* submit work if you have an MFA. (In other words, I do hope you can find the motivation to submit that story you posted about above...I *wish* I could write something I actually thought was good!)

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

The only reservation I have about enrolling in an undergrad class is that it won't really do anything for me. It wouldn't teach me anything I don't already know, my work wouldn't be workshopped by writers on the same level as me. It's not just about structure, I'd also like to continue improving my writing and I don't see that happening in an undergrad class.

I know I can submit work without an MFA. I have done it, I continue to do it...but... when it comes to getting published, every little bit helps :-)

[prettypurplebrd.livejournal.com]

You and I are not that different. This whole living thing is really, really hard for me too. Someone make us motivated! No really...that last journalist has a good point. You should enroll in a writing course, it sounds like an excellent idea...it'll keep your brain from numbing. Who knows what kind of connections you could make. Maybe someone knows of a scholarship fund or a program looking for students? Who knows...you only have experience to gain.

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

Love your icon Ariel!

Yeah I could use a nice big shot of motivation. In fact I wouldn't mind wheeling around an IV drip of the stuff. Motivated people always have their shit together, probably because they are motivated enough to find solutions.

As for why I can't enroll in a writing class right now I refer you to my above response to ma_ee_uh

[ma-ee-uh.livejournal.com]

Here are some fiction workshops (http://www.writingclasses.com/CourseSchedule/schedule.php/type/L) that meet from 11 a.m. - 2 p.m. on weekdays. They're pricey, and I don't know if they're any good...but...just trying to help.

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

Wow, I didn't know Gotham offered online classes. See, now an online class I could do. It is a bit pricey, but I might be able to afford one class if I saved up for a few months. thanks for the link! I'll definitely be looking into this. :-D

[nabuchodonosor.livejournal.com]

I want an MFA so bad I can taste it. I could do more with a masters degree. I could teach (lord help us)

Word. I'd be a terrible condescending bitch if I had to resort to teaching.

Oh, God, imagine us with our MFAs teaching a workshop course together as a tag team. That'd be a sight to see, and a riot, no doubt.

"Alright, folks. First thing you need to know here is that anger leads to hate. Hate leads to postmodernism. Postmodernism leads to Truman bashing you over the head with a folding chair, and I'll be leaning back in my seat watching with my feet up on the desk, mocking your futile attempts at being an in-duh-vidual to the point of absurdity. And we will laugh at your pain."

Squee! I can't wait! =)

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

*laughs so hard she falls off her chair and starts gasping for air* Oh. My. God. Gemma. If that isn't incentive enough to get my ass in gear and apply to grad school, I don't know what is.