Full circle, I've not moved an inch.
Mar. 5th, 2005 02:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlYesterday I was flipping through my senior writing portfolio and decided to read through "Thieves Like Us." Damn, everytime I read that story I'm amazed at how strong it is. That there is a lit. mag. quality piece of writing. If I'd just hunker down, tighten up the sentences, and fix the tense problems I'd have something publishable. Why the bloody fuck don't I do it?
I'll tell ya why, because I'm lazy and scared. I'm not scared of being rejected. Form rejection letters from literary magazines aren't personal enough to trigger self-loathing, not in my case at any rate. I'm scared of putting in all the effort to make said story submission worthy. I'm afraid I'll miss something while I'm slaving away, miss a mistake in the story, miss an interesting show on television, miss some wonderful opportunity I'd have been in on had I not been typing. I'm afraid writing will isolate me from the world because it always has. Well, that's not true. Writing hasn't isolated me from the world, it's what I do when I find myself to be isolated. When I'm depressed, I write. When I'm being ignored, I write. When I'm left out, I write. That's how it's always been, so I associate writing with being alone. We all know I'm not to good at this whole "living" thing. Socializing, making friends, acting and interacting in the world, none of it comes easy to me, even so I don't want to miss any opportunity to do any of the above, and I'm afraid if writing takes precedence I will. Which is of course an absolutely RETARDED excuse since I do very little "living" even when I'm not writing. No, I sit on my ass and watch Battlestar Galactica. (Which, by the way, is a great show.)
I know other people who manage to write seriously everyday, and still have a life. I don't know how they do it. I feel like I'll never be focused or confident enough to write professionally.
*sigh*
I really wanna go to grad school.
I want an MFA so bad I can taste it. I could do more with a masters degree. I could teach (lord help us,) I'd have a better shot at getting my work published. I'd have something to do other than plod along in this terribly depressing job. Great irony of that statement is that I can't even apply to graduate school until I get a new job. Actually...no, that's not even true. There are plenty of good low-residency creative writing MFA programs in the Northeast. Bennington has one, so do Goucher, Norwich, Spalding, Lesley, etc. They just cost so much. They just require so many letters of recommendation I'd never be able to drum up.
I got some information about Brooklyn College's MFA program last week. It looked great, and best of all it's CHEAP! I could totally get into their program, however that's the one I'm gonna need a new job before I can apply to.
I wish there were someone who'd just tell me what to do, let me know what my next move should be. Job hunting is growing more discouraging by the minute, and my writing is stuck. I need someone or something to pump some life into me. Ah, look we've returned to the idea of "life," "living." We've come full circle. I've not moved an inch.
I'll tell ya why, because I'm lazy and scared. I'm not scared of being rejected. Form rejection letters from literary magazines aren't personal enough to trigger self-loathing, not in my case at any rate. I'm scared of putting in all the effort to make said story submission worthy. I'm afraid I'll miss something while I'm slaving away, miss a mistake in the story, miss an interesting show on television, miss some wonderful opportunity I'd have been in on had I not been typing. I'm afraid writing will isolate me from the world because it always has. Well, that's not true. Writing hasn't isolated me from the world, it's what I do when I find myself to be isolated. When I'm depressed, I write. When I'm being ignored, I write. When I'm left out, I write. That's how it's always been, so I associate writing with being alone. We all know I'm not to good at this whole "living" thing. Socializing, making friends, acting and interacting in the world, none of it comes easy to me, even so I don't want to miss any opportunity to do any of the above, and I'm afraid if writing takes precedence I will. Which is of course an absolutely RETARDED excuse since I do very little "living" even when I'm not writing. No, I sit on my ass and watch Battlestar Galactica. (Which, by the way, is a great show.)
I know other people who manage to write seriously everyday, and still have a life. I don't know how they do it. I feel like I'll never be focused or confident enough to write professionally.
*sigh*
I really wanna go to grad school.
I want an MFA so bad I can taste it. I could do more with a masters degree. I could teach (lord help us,) I'd have a better shot at getting my work published. I'd have something to do other than plod along in this terribly depressing job. Great irony of that statement is that I can't even apply to graduate school until I get a new job. Actually...no, that's not even true. There are plenty of good low-residency creative writing MFA programs in the Northeast. Bennington has one, so do Goucher, Norwich, Spalding, Lesley, etc. They just cost so much. They just require so many letters of recommendation I'd never be able to drum up.
I got some information about Brooklyn College's MFA program last week. It looked great, and best of all it's CHEAP! I could totally get into their program, however that's the one I'm gonna need a new job before I can apply to.
I wish there were someone who'd just tell me what to do, let me know what my next move should be. Job hunting is growing more discouraging by the minute, and my writing is stuck. I need someone or something to pump some life into me. Ah, look we've returned to the idea of "life," "living." We've come full circle. I've not moved an inch.
