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When I'm Sleepy
Aug. 21st, 2003 02:48 amI took these pictures earlier in the day right after I got back from my interview. Thought it would be neet to see what I look like on just one hour of sleep.
Aug. 21st, 2003
The Lost Boys Dream
Aug. 21st, 2003 07:21 amVery strange dream last night: Ya know how George Lucas tweaked the Star Wars trilogy when he re-released it? Well I dreampt they did thae same thing to The Lost Boys. Only they didn't tweak any of the actual film, just the soundtrack. They added a new song to the film, and they modified two existing songs by adding heavier guitar riffs and taking out the synthesizers. They wanted it to sound hipper, less "80's." And of course I and many other Lost Boys fans were outraged by this! We thought the music stood as a testament to the era in which the film had been made and to modify it was to conpromise the film's integrity.
Round and Round
Aug. 21st, 2003 03:32 pmNow I'm absolutely POSITIVE I didn't get this job. While the lady who interviewed me yesterday only seemed mildly unimpressed with me, the two men and one woman who saw me today were STUNNINGLY umpimpressed. The guys were neutral towards me at best, and the lady...well I could just tell she didn't like me. She said some things during the interview that made me feel really stupid. And yet again I didn't know what to say or how to sell myself. The interview only took ten minutes, not a good sign. I tried to be friendly and talkative but...I just didn't know what to say after a certain point. I didn't know what was important for me to ask or to tell them. I felt like a lump.
It took all my focus and concentration to keep from crying afterwards. As I walked past the Toys R Us in Times Square I saw a big stuffed lion in the window, so I decided to go inside and pet him. He was soft. Made me feel a little better. So I walked through the stuffed animal section and touched all the toys. Then I went upstairs to look at the Bratz inventory. I stayed in the Bratz section for about a half hour. Being up there looking at all the collectibles helped me to decompress.
But as soon as I left I started feeling bad again. I'm just so sick of being rejected; from jobs, by potential romantic partners. I hate having to try and impress people and make myself appear to be something I'm not. That seems to be the only way you can get ahead in love and life, you have to put on a show to get people interested in you. For once i'd like to walk into an interview room and just tell the truth. "Hi I'm Carla, I have no particular experience or job skills, but I've been feeling really depressed and it would be a great boost to my self-esteem if you would hire me. Not to mention that I still live with my mother who I hate with a passion and really need to start making money so I can afford to move out."
Suicidal impulse is very strong right now. And I know to the outside observer this all sounds like a minor tragedy, but that's not how it feels to a depressed brain like mine. They say depressives think in black and white terms, that life is either all or nothing. If one person rejects you it means you are completely unlovable, if you fail to get the job you want it means you will never ever get any job. Therefore everything become a potential tragedy and reflection upon your enitre worth as a human being. And the black and white thinking is so intense that the only comforting thought you can locate is that of your own death.
Because I know in my head that I shouldn't get all bent out of shape about this. But my brain is all fucked up and it tells me that this means the end of the world. Given the fact that I don't have anyone to comfort me, I must comfort myself, and given the fact that I HATE myself, the most comforting thing I can think of is ending my life. Then I wouldn't have to hurt. I wouldn't have to cry or get wound up over such trivial tings. Suicide become the one idea that truly quiets the depressive mind, because it offers a permanent solution to the problem of your own disfunctional mental state.
I'm feeling numb at the moment. I bought a copy of the Sims on the way home. I'm tired of being me. I hate being me, I fucking suck. I'm gonna be someone else for a while, live some one's fake life and make it better than mine.
It took all my focus and concentration to keep from crying afterwards. As I walked past the Toys R Us in Times Square I saw a big stuffed lion in the window, so I decided to go inside and pet him. He was soft. Made me feel a little better. So I walked through the stuffed animal section and touched all the toys. Then I went upstairs to look at the Bratz inventory. I stayed in the Bratz section for about a half hour. Being up there looking at all the collectibles helped me to decompress.
But as soon as I left I started feeling bad again. I'm just so sick of being rejected; from jobs, by potential romantic partners. I hate having to try and impress people and make myself appear to be something I'm not. That seems to be the only way you can get ahead in love and life, you have to put on a show to get people interested in you. For once i'd like to walk into an interview room and just tell the truth. "Hi I'm Carla, I have no particular experience or job skills, but I've been feeling really depressed and it would be a great boost to my self-esteem if you would hire me. Not to mention that I still live with my mother who I hate with a passion and really need to start making money so I can afford to move out."
Suicidal impulse is very strong right now. And I know to the outside observer this all sounds like a minor tragedy, but that's not how it feels to a depressed brain like mine. They say depressives think in black and white terms, that life is either all or nothing. If one person rejects you it means you are completely unlovable, if you fail to get the job you want it means you will never ever get any job. Therefore everything become a potential tragedy and reflection upon your enitre worth as a human being. And the black and white thinking is so intense that the only comforting thought you can locate is that of your own death.
Because I know in my head that I shouldn't get all bent out of shape about this. But my brain is all fucked up and it tells me that this means the end of the world. Given the fact that I don't have anyone to comfort me, I must comfort myself, and given the fact that I HATE myself, the most comforting thing I can think of is ending my life. Then I wouldn't have to hurt. I wouldn't have to cry or get wound up over such trivial tings. Suicide become the one idea that truly quiets the depressive mind, because it offers a permanent solution to the problem of your own disfunctional mental state.
I'm feeling numb at the moment. I bought a copy of the Sims on the way home. I'm tired of being me. I hate being me, I fucking suck. I'm gonna be someone else for a while, live some one's fake life and make it better than mine.
