Ugly Girl

I dunno what the problem is. Why the hell have I been feeling so ugly for the past two nights? I don't feel like being reflective or writing anything worthwhile, I just feel like being pathetic and begging someone to care about me!

Guess I'm lonely. Maybe that's it. I haven't hung out with anyone since Josh dumped me. I want to find out how his first day of work went but I don't think I'm ready to call him. I still feel too hurt. He has become just another example of how defective I am. I can't deal with him right now. I sent him the link to this journal a while back. I wonder if he got it? Wonder if he gives a shit? I asked him to email me back so I'd know that he got it. Maybe he's mad at me.

I feel the need to be doted on. I want someone to cuddle with me, and take me out to dinner or to a movie. I want someone to care about what I did during the day, someone who will tell me how beautiful and wonderful I am, and how much they love me. Someone who will make me smile.

Where are you? They say there is someone for everyone, well where the hell is my someone? YOO HOO!!! Are you out there? Where's my other half?

Here's a thought I've had before: Kirk was my other half, and now that he's dead I'm destined to be alone.

I used to think everyone had more than one potential life partner. I'm starting to doubt that.

Through all my self-examination I've been trying to create enough self-love that I won't need to look to others to give me my self-worth. Cause thats essentially WHY I want someone in my life. I want them to love me the way I was never loved as a child. And while I've been doing pretty well over the last few days, every now and then I just gotta fall back into the hole. It becomes to hard to hold myself up. I'm kind of afraid that if I learn to take care of myself on an emotional level than no one will want me because all my needs will be met and I won't need anything from anyone else. Who wants to date someone who doesn't need you?

I hate late lonely nights. And I hate it when I start talking like this. Makes me feel weak.

While I was Sleeping

Slept all day. From 6 AM to 6 PM, and Mom was none to thrilled about it when she got home. She didn't lecture or scold me, but you could tell by the tone of her voice that she wasn't happy. Seems like Tuesdays put her in a bad mood for some reason. The last four Tuesdays she has come home from work bitchy as hell. I remember this because Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is on and that always lightens her mood. Anyway, I tried not to pay attention to Mom's displeasure. I woke up feeling well rested which is more than she can say.

When I awake, there were two messeges on the phone machine from people who want to interview me. Yee Haw!!! One is for a receptionist poition at a recording company, the other is for a poition at Plaza College: Assistant to the Dean. It was too late to return the calls by the time I woke up, so I'll just phone them early tomorrow (today?)

So in the midst of my little freak out yesterday I noticed how many of the people on my friends list are in healthy happy relationships. gender_euphoria has been with Andrea for five or six years now. irishelf and ninquark are the most stunningly beautiful couple in existence. It should be illegal for human beings to be as attractive as those two. electra310 is engaged to her high school sweetheart. dpsycho and haemonic got married over the summer. satinalien and porthossf have been together for a while. spiltvinegar has a boy. And nabuchodonosor has an endless supply of men just dying to throw themselves at her feet and do her bidding. The minute she breaks up with one guy there is another ready to step up and take his place. I asked her once what her secret was. She said she didn't know.

I don't understand why some people have all the luck and other have none. Take kdc4evr for example. Now here is a tall, blond, busty law student who is not only insanely smart but incredibly fun. I have no idea why the hell she has been single for two years!!! It's a travesty! A supreme miscarriage of cosmic justice! Boys should be lining up to wine and dine this lovely lady!!! I just don't get it.

Blarg.