Tongue

I feel a little better now.

I spent a little time posting on the various LJ depression groups I belong to. I sure do like them. There are a lot of sweet people out there. And Gabe wrote me three haiku's and how can you not feel nice when someone is writing poetry about you? :-)

Taking a lot of deep breaths.

Got the song Tongue by REM going through my head. Only problem is, I don't know the lyrics. So I looked them up.


TONGUE by: REM

call my name, here I come.
90 to nothing, watch me run.
you call.
I am ashamed to say.
ugly girls know their fate.
anybody can get laid.
you want a room with a fire escape.
I want to tell you how much I hate this.
don't leave that stuff all over me. it pains me.
please just leave it.

I should toss that vanity license plate.
toss that make-up painted face.
box those poems, chocolate cake.
scratch that name on the record player.
please just leave me be.

don't lay that stuff all over me.
it crawls all over.

all over me.

call my name, here I come.
your last ditch lay, will I never learn?
caramel turn on a dusty apology.
it crawls all over me.
you turn all over.
it pains me.
please just leave it.

Because i'm sad...we must all quiz

Which Buffy The Vampire Slayer quote are you?
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"Little things always mattered to Shelly. I
thought they were kind of trivial. Believe
me... nothing is trivial."


Which Quote From The Crow Are You?
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~*~It's all so clear to me now! I'm the keeper of
the cheese and your the lemon murchant! Get it?
And he knows it 'cause he's gonna kill us! So
we gotta beat it before he lets loose the
marmosets! Don't worry little missy! I'll save
you!~*~

Wowee, You're a creepy one. Whats wrong with you?
No medication today? I dunno. Anyway, i'm not
sure why you got this. Frankly I don't want to
know. O.o You scare me...Get away!

OH GOD!! HELLLLLLPPPPPP MEEEEEE!!!


Which Ren And Stimpy Quote Are You? (With Pictures!)
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Losing the Battle

I nearly lost my mind today. I'm so out of control I don't know what to do. Little things have been sending me into these insane crying and screaming fits. I'm physically and emotionally drained and I want everything to stop.

A quick run down:

1)Interview at a jewelry store today. I felt good during the interview. The lady who saw me was nice. But it took all of ten minutes, and i'm beginning to learn that short = bad.

2)On the way home I started screaming at myself. Not verbally, but mentally. Kept feeding myself all these worst case scenarios. Like that I'll never find employment, that I'll die alone, that I'll never make anymore new friends for the rest of my life. I was a mess by the time I got home.

3)At home my computer went wiggy. I signed on and got an error message saying "remote procedure call unexpectedly terminated, you have 60 seconds to close all programs before the system shuts down." Well the first time it happened I just let the darn thing do ...it's thing. But when it restarted, the same messege came up...and the system shut down again. And on and on. It was a vicious cycle that made it impossible for me to use my computer. I tried calling Dell and couldn't get through. I was flipping out and crying cause all I wanted to do was type in my journal and I just started screamiing, and crying and praying for all the god damn pain in my life to just go away.

Little things will do that. I just felt there was nothing I couuld do to save my computer and that is kinda how I feel about my life right now so I just...flew off the handle. Spent three hours trying to call the Dell customer service number. Couldn't get through. Eventually i just tired out and decided to take a nap. Left Mom a note before I fell asleep telling her I'd had a bad day and to please not wake me up when she got home.

4) Mom arrives home a half hour after I drift off and wakes me up. She was in a horrible mood, and started yelling at me the moment I stirred. Screaming at me to clean up the living room (even though she's the one who messed it up,) and telling me to be more considerate of everyone in the house even though...I have no idea what I've done to warrent this lecture. It's like she woke me up just so she could have somebody to yell at. I held my tongue and just did what she told me to.

5) Spent the last three hours trying to figure out this blasted computer. Finally think I got it. I forgot to set up my firewall and I think someone hacked into the computer through earthlink and fucked up my connection. So I had to restore the entire operating system, get rid of the earthlink, re-establish my AOL connection, set up firewalls, and reinsall Norton antivirus, not to mention every other program on the computer. Gonna have to re-download AIM and Yahoo messenger.

I only just ate dinner, I feel so tired.

I just wish I could be unconscious all day long. Not dead, just unconscious. Not have to get irritated or to lose control or get yelled at. :-(

Thats it for now

What I Like

I like writing on here. I feel very protected, like there are a bunch of really good people reading my journal and watching out for me. Much better than the teen site I used to write on. Kids have no idea how to be compassionate.

Tina wants to come to New York. You'd know that if you read her feedback. As usual I don't even remember giving her the journal address. Then again it's not hard to guess. I cried when I read her messege. One: because I was in the midst of my total break down when I read it, and two: because I miss her terribly. I've been thinking of her all day.

When i was feeling nervous before my interview I tried to think happy thoughts, so to speak. And the first thing that jumped to my mind was the night she and I played pine cone hockey on the upper terrace. It was during the first week of winter term sophomore year, right after I'd returned to Knox. We were on our way to the Gizmo and we were just feeling realy playful, so we picked up a couple sticks, grabbed a pine cone and played hockey. It was really mild that winter, so we were out there for about half an hour toss our "puck" back and forth, Tina doing running commentary. It was one of the most joyous moments of my life.

I miss having her around. I mean, let's think about this: for the last 5 years Tina and I have acted as 24/7 emotional support for each other. Living on the same campus, and more often than not, on/in the same floor/building/room we've been able to rely on each other on a pretty consistent basis. She's been my safety net. But now she's several states removed from me, and I am sorely lacking in emotional support out here. What I wouldn't give to have her right next door again.

Well we know we can't live in the same ROOM together, but maybe one day i could talk her into moving to New York and sharing an apartment with me. A TWO BEDROOM apartment ;-) That way we could each have our own space. Hey, it worked for me and nabuchodonosor

Thank You dpsycho for the link to the virus article.

Thanks again porthossf for writing me happy haikus.

I'll prolly write more later. I don't feel done yet, but I can't think of what I want to say right now.