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Aug. 10th, 2003
I am bawling my eyes out. Nothing new about that. Over a boy none the less. Nothing new about that either.
Josh and I hung out tonight. Finally. And I got him to say once and for all, with no waffling, that he doesn't feel anything for me, and just wants to be friends. He doesn'te feel passionately about me at all. Said he wouldn't be upset if I started seeing other people. Told me I was just too sad for him.
That last part, about being too sad, has become like a broken record in my life. Every guy says that to me. THe one thing I can't change about myself, the depression, is the one thing that continually drives men away. Josh, Kevin, Marc, Jason, Clark, all of them gone gone gone because I'm fucking psycho.
And I'm sure every one is tired of hearing it, but I hate myself right now. I hate myself for wanting a relationship so bad. I just think...I'd make a really awesome girlfriend and companion. I mean, I know I've never had a normal relationship before, but I thiink I would be good in one. I'm very devoted, loving, caring, and supportive. I'm loyal, affectionate, and fairly attractive. It's just the fucking depression that drives everyone away. All of my friends can deal with it, why can't any of my significant others?
Shrinks say depressed people are emotionally incapable of being in a committed relationship. I've always wondered, if that's true, does that mean the chronically depressed are destined to remain alone for the rest of their lives? Does it make us completely unlovable? Kind of ironic that those of us who need the most love are told we can't have it simply because we need it so much.
As is customary after having my hopes crushed, i'm feeling suicidal. I realized tonight while I was talking to Josh that there hasn't been a day this week in which i haven't prayed to whatever higher power there may or may not be for someone to kill me since I don't have the balls to do it myself.
I feel so...worthless right now. So unlovable. Like everythign abotu me is wrong. And i told Josh this and he started lecturing about how I should love myself more. Guess he really doesn't understand either. I thought he would. I was hoping he would be someone who can just listen to me, and not give me advice, because all the damn lecturing in the world won't make the depression go away, it'll just make the speaker feel more wrong. Why don't people realize that when you tell a depressed person not to feel the way they are feeling that you're basically telling them their feelings are wrong? That they are not entitled to have their feelings? And ypu just make them feel even more defective than they already do?
I'm sure everyone who reads this with any regularity is so sick of hearing me talk like this. If it's any consolation, I'm sick of hearing myself talk like this too. No one can hate a depressed girl as much as she hates herself I tell ya.
Josh said I deserved someone who would fall in love with me. That only made me cry harder because I know something he doesn't: no one ever will fall in love with me. You can't fall in love with a depressed person. No one wants to. I know, I've tried to make people. It doesn't work.
And I have no social life, only two friends in the city neither of whom ever hang out with me, and no job. There's no place for me to meet people. I have mental images of myself at age thirty living alone in a small apartment of my own. I wake up, go to work, come home, watch TV and go to bed. And that is my life. I have no friends. All of them are married and coupled off. so are all my siblings. Everyone is happy, and I'm just...stuck. And my entire life is just a bust.
Like I've said before, now I understand why Kirk killed himself. And because I understand, I forgive him. This is the lonliness he felt. He saw that there was nothing in the world for him, so he left it. Smart man. Thats why I liked him so much.
To top off tonight's blazing stupidity and self-pity I am finally going to send Josh the link to both my journals. Now that I know there is no way to win him, I don't have to worry about impressing him anymore. Let him read this shit and pat himself on the back for letting me fly. Honestly, no one should have to deal with me. Ever.
I want to kill myself right now.
Josh and I hung out tonight. Finally. And I got him to say once and for all, with no waffling, that he doesn't feel anything for me, and just wants to be friends. He doesn'te feel passionately about me at all. Said he wouldn't be upset if I started seeing other people. Told me I was just too sad for him.
That last part, about being too sad, has become like a broken record in my life. Every guy says that to me. THe one thing I can't change about myself, the depression, is the one thing that continually drives men away. Josh, Kevin, Marc, Jason, Clark, all of them gone gone gone because I'm fucking psycho.
And I'm sure every one is tired of hearing it, but I hate myself right now. I hate myself for wanting a relationship so bad. I just think...I'd make a really awesome girlfriend and companion. I mean, I know I've never had a normal relationship before, but I thiink I would be good in one. I'm very devoted, loving, caring, and supportive. I'm loyal, affectionate, and fairly attractive. It's just the fucking depression that drives everyone away. All of my friends can deal with it, why can't any of my significant others?
Shrinks say depressed people are emotionally incapable of being in a committed relationship. I've always wondered, if that's true, does that mean the chronically depressed are destined to remain alone for the rest of their lives? Does it make us completely unlovable? Kind of ironic that those of us who need the most love are told we can't have it simply because we need it so much.
As is customary after having my hopes crushed, i'm feeling suicidal. I realized tonight while I was talking to Josh that there hasn't been a day this week in which i haven't prayed to whatever higher power there may or may not be for someone to kill me since I don't have the balls to do it myself.
I feel so...worthless right now. So unlovable. Like everythign abotu me is wrong. And i told Josh this and he started lecturing about how I should love myself more. Guess he really doesn't understand either. I thought he would. I was hoping he would be someone who can just listen to me, and not give me advice, because all the damn lecturing in the world won't make the depression go away, it'll just make the speaker feel more wrong. Why don't people realize that when you tell a depressed person not to feel the way they are feeling that you're basically telling them their feelings are wrong? That they are not entitled to have their feelings? And ypu just make them feel even more defective than they already do?
I'm sure everyone who reads this with any regularity is so sick of hearing me talk like this. If it's any consolation, I'm sick of hearing myself talk like this too. No one can hate a depressed girl as much as she hates herself I tell ya.
Josh said I deserved someone who would fall in love with me. That only made me cry harder because I know something he doesn't: no one ever will fall in love with me. You can't fall in love with a depressed person. No one wants to. I know, I've tried to make people. It doesn't work.
And I have no social life, only two friends in the city neither of whom ever hang out with me, and no job. There's no place for me to meet people. I have mental images of myself at age thirty living alone in a small apartment of my own. I wake up, go to work, come home, watch TV and go to bed. And that is my life. I have no friends. All of them are married and coupled off. so are all my siblings. Everyone is happy, and I'm just...stuck. And my entire life is just a bust.
Like I've said before, now I understand why Kirk killed himself. And because I understand, I forgive him. This is the lonliness he felt. He saw that there was nothing in the world for him, so he left it. Smart man. Thats why I liked him so much.
To top off tonight's blazing stupidity and self-pity I am finally going to send Josh the link to both my journals. Now that I know there is no way to win him, I don't have to worry about impressing him anymore. Let him read this shit and pat himself on the back for letting me fly. Honestly, no one should have to deal with me. Ever.
I want to kill myself right now.
