Principia Chaotica

The entire house smells like pine. The tree we picked out must have been really fresh cause that thing is stronger than a taxi cab air freshner. It makes the house smell warm and cozy; coziness smells like toasty pine needles.

And we had a little drama this morning after Thor66 read the entry I wrote about him. He was pissed and hurt and all that good stuff. He said he was over it by this evening but he still sounded kinda pissed and sad when I spoke to him. Still not sure how to deal with this, though these things have a tendency to take care of themselves so I'm just gonna ride the wave of my intentions and see where it takes me.

It occurs to me that I have been startlingly cheerful since I began reading about Chaos Magick. There's just something incredibly comforting about knowing that nothing is planned, everything is random, and nothing you do has any meaning outside of that which you yourself imbue it with. I don't feel so...needy knowing this. Depression isn't something that was purposely bestowed upon me, it was random. I don't have a significant other? Big deal, relationships are random and uncontrolable as well. Cause and effect is just one big cosmic joke. Events do not cause other events, events spring forth from nothing. Thats how the universe was created, thats how it'll go out. So the best we can do with our time here is...whatever the hell we please :) And at this moment I'm so happy with the chaos that I don't feel as though I need half the things I used to consider essential to me. Chaos Magick is making me deconstruct myself. And I think that's the whole point.

I didn't work on my portfolio at all today even though I really should have. My sleep schedule is all screwed up again. Usually I write in the morning or the early afternoon. I slept right through those prime writing periods today, thus my circadian rhythms were off and I never found the inclination to write. But I have to do it tomorrow, tomorrow is do or die day. It's all gotta be ready to print by Wednesday evening. I know I can do it, I just gots to apply myself tomorrow.

But I'll have to take a break at some point to watch the new episode of Buffy. Giles is gonna show up with three new slayers :) Promises to be fun. God I hope Christopher is online tomorrow night, I SOOOO want to talk to him now :)

I Love Meghan

God my head fucking hurts. I've been staring at this damn computer screen way too long. My brain is throbbing, and I still have a really long night of work ahead of me, but all I want to do is lay down and take a nap.

A brief list of everything contributing to this headache:

1) I finally openned the "Wife" document Gemma sent me last week. Discovered that all 20 pages of it is in coding, which means if I wanna get it all revised tonight I need to spend an hour or so decoding the damn thing. And for some reason this computer is being really weird about the coding and it's taking up to 40 seconds to erase the blocks of code. At that rate it'll be sun up before I get it all back in text format.

2)My introduction. At present I still have to type up my influences, acknowledgments, titles page, dedication page, table of contents, oh, and flesh out everything from page ten on. Not to mention that I need to decide which poems are going in and then figure out how I want to arrange them in the collection. Ow, my eyes are starting to hurt.

But on the up side of all this, I watched three hours of Buffy tonight as a study break, including the new one. Very good. The principal is totally in on it. And I'm not sure if Giles is Giles. And Buffy has declared war on the first. She is totally gonna redeem Spike, he's gonna become their spokesman for redemption. And Faith is so coming back. I just wish Christopher was online so we could nerd it up.

And I finally got the courage to open up the response I got from Meghan three days ago. I sent her an email asking if she'd like to be my roommate if she moves into the city. That way I coud afford to stay here and not move to Chicago. She said she thought it was a great idea! So we're gonna keep each other updated on our plans for the pring summer and fall and just...see what happens :)

Okay that's it I can't do this, my head is about to fall off. I'm taking a nap. I'll get up later and continue working on this piece of shit portfolio :-p