Clock of the Heart

Okay here's a quick update on the love lives of those near and dear to me: Michael and Danielle are getting back together...AGAIN!!! Greg and Cathy are splitting up...AGAIN!!! Question of the week: when the heck will people learn to let dead dogs lie?

Dad asked me this week if I was seeing anyone. *laughs* yeah like I'm in any friggin condition to be dating. What sucks about having him gone now is that I actually have to spend time with myself, and we all know when I spend time with myself all I can think about is Kirk. Talk about dead dogs. Throughout the term I was able to distract myself with school work (for the most part) and this first week home has been spent with Dad, a fine distraction if ever there was one. I've had one intense cry surrounding Kirk's memory since I got home, which is pretty good I think. However I don't want to make it a daily occurence ya know? I need to find a new distraction, and I think the portfolio may be my best choice. By the time I finish that we'll be deep into the Christmas rush so I'll just move right into shopping phase. With any luck I won't have to think about Kirk this entire break :)

However, I still need to call his mom and find out where he is buried. I swore to myself I'd do it while I was home. I wanna wait until after said festival of lights though. I think it would be rude to ram home the fact that he isn't around smack dab in the middle of the holidays.

I'm afraid to statw this stuff in public. I wonder when I will be able to date again. I wonder when I will get over this, or when I'll stop being so needy. I wonder if magic can change my world. I wonder if I really appear to be as ugly as I feel. Sometimes I don't think I will ever be fit for a normal relationship, job, life of any sort. Sometimes I think we should just put me into an adult care facility and leave it at that.

How will anyone ever love me the way I am? When will I stop needing people to love me the way I am?

You Better Wait

WHAT?! IT'S DECEMBER?! WHEN THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN???????????

Man, hanging out with Dad this week has screwed up my entire concept of space and time. I have been so out of touch. All I've been doing is sleeping and hanging out with him. Been completely ignoring my friends, my email, my chores, my school work, my recreational reading and so forth. Okay Carla needs to make a to do list.

TO DO

Laundry
Clean room
Get in contact with the following:
Gayle
Gemma
Tina
Deepa
Elisabeth
Heather
Mela
Liz
Mike
Alan
Allan
Melly
Angie
Katie
Write a damn Christmas List
Start writing Portfolio
remember to update this gosh darned journal
buy blank tapes
start getting christmas lists from others

Oh man, I said I would start my portfolio on Dec. first. I didn't realize it was this week though bah!!! Guess that means I'll have to buckle down at some point this evening. Eh, it'll do me good. With any luck I can type and Im at the same time thus killing two birds with one stone :)

I bought two books yesterday. The Bad Girls Guide to Getting What You want (for fun) and the Liber Kaos (for intellectual stimulation) The Liber Kaos is great. Clark was right, having the scientific basis to fall back on makes all the damn difference. Carroll's explanations are a lot more mathematically minded then the crap you find in most books on Wicca. It goes a lot more in depth on the particulars of quantum physics and relativity. Some of the stuff is a little difficult to understand but I think on the whole I'm getting what he says.

And I don't think I told you, I spoke to Clark before I left Knox and I told him that I was leaning towards Chaos Theory these days and he was so happy. He was just like all ecstatic to have someone else in the fold so to speak.

Okay nothing else to say I don't think. Not right now anyway. Maybe later.

Byeeeee