So Lonely

Another lonely day. Slept till three or four in the afternoon. Woke up to find two messages on the machine, one from Elisabeth, one from Kirk, both asking if I wanted to hang out. Kirk even asked if I was still talking to him. He must know I've been feeling uncomfortable these last couple days. Anyway I called him and told him I didn't feel up to chilling with him. Didn't even bother to call Liz back. Some friend I am. Spent the remainder of the evening dealing with cramps and exhaustion due to the onslaught of my period. Luckily it isn't as bad as it was last month when my depression was only exacerbating the pain.

I think we need to raise the dosage of my Zoloft. It's not working anymore. I feel bad about myself all the time. It's not even making me feel numb like the Paxil did. It's doing nothing.

Today was a big moving day for all my friends. Gemma moved into our apartment and Gayle moved into hers. Spoke to Gemma on IM for a few hours last night, that was fun. She made me smile. Gayle on the other hand seems to almost be avoiding me. She's barely said anything to me the last few times I've caught her on IM, and she doesn't email any more. I know she is busy and all, and I haven't been the most wonderful pen pal this summer, but I feel like she just doesn't want to talk to me :( But then again I seem to feel that way about everyone so I'm not sure how much of that is real or simply my low self-esteem monkeying around.

I miss Tina.
I wish Tina were here.

GutHer

I want to gut my mother with a very big, pointy knife! I swear the woman is so oblivious it's disgusting. She assumes I'm stupid concerning all the areas I excell at and that I excell at all the areas I'm stupid in?! What's up with that?! And Jesus Christ it's no wonder i'm such a fuck up considering the fact that she second guesses every fucking thing I do! How the hell am I suppose to develop any sense of self worth or confidence that way huh?

God damn, I have got to move out of here. Sure, I won't know anyone in Chicago and probably won't make any friends, and will be lonely for the rest of my life, but I'd rather be lonely WITHOUT my mother than lonely with her which is what I'd be if I came back to New York after graduation. The least I can do for myself is make sure she doesn't spend the rest of her life making me feel like shit on a daily basis.

God I feel so pent up and angry and frustrated, and I just want to talk to someone but there's no one I feel I can turn to. Elisabeth has got to be sick of hearing me rant about nothing, I have no desire to continue bogging her down in my crap. I don't feel comfortable talking to Kirk about my problems since he has his own shit and can't really be there for me. No one in Illinois understands what it's like to be suicidally depressed and totally desperate. Hell I get tired of listening to myself whine about this shit.

I think that's one of the reasons I haven't been writing or emailing anyone recently, I don't feel like I have the right to talk. Everyone has heard this before. I'm just going on and on about the stuff I've always complained about. I'm exhausting everyone especially myself. And if I don't even want to hear it, why the hell would anyone else?