Paper Cuts and Lint

And the plot grows thicker still.......

Okay, so like everyone hates Tristina now. Everyone I have talked to is absolutely furious with her. Furious enough to never speak to her again. Jen isn't going to, which won't be hard seeing as she is leaving school permanently on Sunday. Yes you heard me right, Jen Cintron is leaving for good. Jennie O. told me in class last night. It's primarily for financial reasons. Gemma told me today she will prolly wind up getting an apartment in Peoria and work on becoming financially independent.

Talk about a shitty week. Actually Jen has had a shitty year! First Dirty broke up with her, then Dan AKA Kelly cheated on her, now she has to leave Knox. Goddess bless the little trooper. I probably would have slit my wrists by now.

And shame on Tristina for ruining TWO count em, TWO relationships within a mere 24 hours! She will get her karmic pay back.

In other news I had a conference with Prof. Hord today and we discovered that after next term I will be one credit away from having a minor in Black Studies. All I'd have to do to finish it is take an independent study in the department next year. So yeah, it looks like I'll wind up minoring in Black Studies instead of Sociology. Which is fine because my interest has been leaning more towards race relations in recent months and there just arent many race focused classes in the ANSO department.

Also today I put in a request for my incompletes. I'm gonna take an incomplete in poetry and in fiction. So I'll spend spring break working on those. It actually works out well. Tina will be here over break too but she will be working in the mailroom 6 hours a day. I can work on my projects during the day while she is gone and hang out with her and Gemma at night. What a beautiful world! Yeah.

I'll Leave Again

Kevin is being a bitch.

He asked me not to post our conversations. Hmmm. Guess I should have warned him that if you are going to be my friend, lover, or family member you run the risk of becoming a character in the story of my life. That's what happenes when you date a writer.

I don't need this shit. I was having a good day until Kev started being a prick. I had a good meeting with Hord, had a nice lunch with my friends, and then Kev barges in with all his new psychotherapy bullshit and starts to rip me because he doesn't agree with the way I choose to live my life and deal with my problems.

He won't talk to me about it now, not really anyway. He is doing what he does when he argues with someone for no reason; he insists that he is right and won't try to see the other side.

I so do not need this. Why am I always drawn to shitheads like this? Yes Kevin, you ignorent prick, I do have unhealthy patterns in my life, the pattern of being continually attracted to guys who do not respect my point of view and do their damndest to shut me up. I'm so tired of being shut up, I'm not about to let it happen again.

Kevin is not making me happy. All we do is talk dirty to each other (BOOOOOOORIIIIIINNNNNNNGGG) and feed off of each others wounded psyches. This is not healthy and this is not the basis for a lasting relationship.

I don't like where this is going but I'll be honest, I'm way too insecure to end it. (Even though we aren't really dating. Wait! If we aren't dating then we dont need to break up, problem solved.)

I guess I'm still just as wound up in my bad self image as Tris is, I need to be desired in order to feel like I'm worth anything. Not a fun realization to come to. The last time this problem emerged, right after I got kicked out of school freshman year, I stopped interacting with men all together. I made a pact not to date them for a while and not to be friends with them. I just surrounded myself with women. And it was great. I felt completely safe, and feeling safe did wonders for my self-esteem. I never felt like I had to defend myself or that I wasn't being understood. Even now I would rather be in the company of one of my female friends than anywhere else in the world.

Maybe I should go back to that. I keep telling myself I shouldn't, that sepratism is a defeatist strategy and blah blah blah. But sometimes people need safe space. I could definitely use some right about now. People have been attacking me all god damn term and I'm fucking tired of it!

Writing this is just pissing me off even more. I'm pissed that the only way I can get my thoughts across to Kevin right now is through this journal because he can't have a fucking civil conversation with me! This journal should not be a substitute for real communication! I'm sick of this, and the journals of my comrads turning into dialogues, ways to tell others things they are too afraid to say to their face. But I digress.

I'm going to go home and talk to Tina!

Why I Love Gemma

Goddess bless Gemma Truman. She is so great. She is currently letting me bitch to her about Kevin. Here is her take on the situation...

Morrigirl: :-P i hate my life. No correction... I hate the people in my life (present company excluded.)
iotadaria: I told you things werent good for you getting close to him again. but that is not the matter ... Ill pick on you about that much, much, much later in life when were drunk and single.
hes just being a dick. he is a dick.
iotadaria: you dont have to stand for this and knowing you, you wont.
Morrigirl: *sigh*
iotadaria: do as you thought. surround yourself with women.
Morrigirl: I think its time to do some major social housecleaning.
iotadaria: ooo, tell me youre gonna use something sharp on the dust bunnies.
iotadaria: :-)
Morrigirl: Can I borrow your scythe?
iotadaria: ooo baby, you are wanting to use sharp things.

And best of all she doesn't give a shit if I post our IM conversations so that I can have them for memory. Only the guilty worry about such things.