I'll Leave Again
Mar. 6th, 2002 11:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlKevin is being a bitch.
He asked me not to post our conversations. Hmmm. Guess I should have warned him that if you are going to be my friend, lover, or family member you run the risk of becoming a character in the story of my life. That's what happenes when you date a writer.
I don't need this shit. I was having a good day until Kev started being a prick. I had a good meeting with Hord, had a nice lunch with my friends, and then Kev barges in with all his new psychotherapy bullshit and starts to rip me because he doesn't agree with the way I choose to live my life and deal with my problems.
He won't talk to me about it now, not really anyway. He is doing what he does when he argues with someone for no reason; he insists that he is right and won't try to see the other side.
I so do not need this. Why am I always drawn to shitheads like this? Yes Kevin, you ignorent prick, I do have unhealthy patterns in my life, the pattern of being continually attracted to guys who do not respect my point of view and do their damndest to shut me up. I'm so tired of being shut up, I'm not about to let it happen again.
Kevin is not making me happy. All we do is talk dirty to each other (BOOOOOOORIIIIIINNNNNNNGGG) and feed off of each others wounded psyches. This is not healthy and this is not the basis for a lasting relationship.
I don't like where this is going but I'll be honest, I'm way too insecure to end it. (Even though we aren't really dating. Wait! If we aren't dating then we dont need to break up, problem solved.)
I guess I'm still just as wound up in my bad self image as Tris is, I need to be desired in order to feel like I'm worth anything. Not a fun realization to come to. The last time this problem emerged, right after I got kicked out of school freshman year, I stopped interacting with men all together. I made a pact not to date them for a while and not to be friends with them. I just surrounded myself with women. And it was great. I felt completely safe, and feeling safe did wonders for my self-esteem. I never felt like I had to defend myself or that I wasn't being understood. Even now I would rather be in the company of one of my female friends than anywhere else in the world.
Maybe I should go back to that. I keep telling myself I shouldn't, that sepratism is a defeatist strategy and blah blah blah. But sometimes people need safe space. I could definitely use some right about now. People have been attacking me all god damn term and I'm fucking tired of it!
Writing this is just pissing me off even more. I'm pissed that the only way I can get my thoughts across to Kevin right now is through this journal because he can't have a fucking civil conversation with me! This journal should not be a substitute for real communication! I'm sick of this, and the journals of my comrads turning into dialogues, ways to tell others things they are too afraid to say to their face. But I digress.
I'm going to go home and talk to Tina!
He asked me not to post our conversations. Hmmm. Guess I should have warned him that if you are going to be my friend, lover, or family member you run the risk of becoming a character in the story of my life. That's what happenes when you date a writer.
I don't need this shit. I was having a good day until Kev started being a prick. I had a good meeting with Hord, had a nice lunch with my friends, and then Kev barges in with all his new psychotherapy bullshit and starts to rip me because he doesn't agree with the way I choose to live my life and deal with my problems.
He won't talk to me about it now, not really anyway. He is doing what he does when he argues with someone for no reason; he insists that he is right and won't try to see the other side.
I so do not need this. Why am I always drawn to shitheads like this? Yes Kevin, you ignorent prick, I do have unhealthy patterns in my life, the pattern of being continually attracted to guys who do not respect my point of view and do their damndest to shut me up. I'm so tired of being shut up, I'm not about to let it happen again.
Kevin is not making me happy. All we do is talk dirty to each other (BOOOOOOORIIIIIINNNNNNNGGG) and feed off of each others wounded psyches. This is not healthy and this is not the basis for a lasting relationship.
I don't like where this is going but I'll be honest, I'm way too insecure to end it. (Even though we aren't really dating. Wait! If we aren't dating then we dont need to break up, problem solved.)
I guess I'm still just as wound up in my bad self image as Tris is, I need to be desired in order to feel like I'm worth anything. Not a fun realization to come to. The last time this problem emerged, right after I got kicked out of school freshman year, I stopped interacting with men all together. I made a pact not to date them for a while and not to be friends with them. I just surrounded myself with women. And it was great. I felt completely safe, and feeling safe did wonders for my self-esteem. I never felt like I had to defend myself or that I wasn't being understood. Even now I would rather be in the company of one of my female friends than anywhere else in the world.
Maybe I should go back to that. I keep telling myself I shouldn't, that sepratism is a defeatist strategy and blah blah blah. But sometimes people need safe space. I could definitely use some right about now. People have been attacking me all god damn term and I'm fucking tired of it!
Writing this is just pissing me off even more. I'm pissed that the only way I can get my thoughts across to Kevin right now is through this journal because he can't have a fucking civil conversation with me! This journal should not be a substitute for real communication! I'm sick of this, and the journals of my comrads turning into dialogues, ways to tell others things they are too afraid to say to their face. But I digress.
I'm going to go home and talk to Tina!
