Last Night Alone

Well this is my last night alone before Tina gets back. I have really enjoyed having the room all to myself. And its Saturday so of course the Tri Delts are playing drinking games and being obnoxious.

I got a pretty good amount of Philosophy work done today. Tomorrow I'm focusing on poetry.

*sigh* I just got back from Lindsey's. She got into law school today. She got into Kent. Yay her. While I was over there I was watching Katie and Jeremiah. They are so cute. They have been together for like 3 or 4 years now and they are still totally in love. Just the way jeremiah looks at Katie when she talks, it's so great. You can just tell he is totally into her. And they were cuddling and being all cute. They are both really great people and they completely deserve each other. I just wish I had a relationship as great as theirs. I wish someone would look at me the way Jeremiah looks at Katie. I wish I could be that sweet and fascinating in someones eyes, that spellbinding.

I kind of miss Kevin tonight. I wish I had him here to cuddle with, though the last time we talked I got the distinct feeling that he doesn't see me as anything other then a friend right now which kind of sucks because I am obviously aiming for something more. Ultimately I would like to have him as a boyfriend again. I can't believe I am admitting that. But it's still three and half months before I get to go home and I don't think any romantic feelings he has for me can be sustained that long. He'll prolly have a new girlfriend by the time I get back. Prolly won't be the least bit interested.

God why do I torture myself like this? Like, I wasn't even thinking about any of this today. All day I've been doing homework and feeling very accomplished. I've been productive. But as of the last hour I've been reflecting on this other romantic shit. Like I've said before I just shouldn't let myself think! I should just do my work and...yeah thats it. I'm so much happier when I just devote myself to academics. Who cares if it exhausts and stresses me out. At least it prevents me from feeling anything and that's a huge plus. It's so weird, if you look at my report card you can tell what terms I was dealing with my emotions and which terms I was ignoring them. Any term where the grades suck, I've been dealing with some heavy emotional issues. Any term when I've gotten straight As I've been totally suppresing my feelings.

I wish I could call Kevin right now. I really want to talk to him.

Why did I just say that?

The Fantasy

Well, it is now, 8:40 AM. I have not gone to sleep yet and doubt that I will before having to go work at the music library at 1 pm. And yet again I have managed to have another weird evening, this time my partner in strangeness was Moses. (But don't act so shocked it was bound to happen eventually.)

Anyway, I was on IM around 5 in the morning and Moses was on too so we started talking. He was feeling horny and I was feeling a bit...in need shall we say, myself. So we both just got to talking about how much wed really like to get laid. And then...I dont know, things got strange. We started talking about how if the other was in the room right then neither of us would be able to resist temptation. We were totally toeing a line. Our hormones were getting the better of us. But don't worry, there was no fucking or dirty talk or anything. Eventually we both regained our reason and said good night. But it was strange to talk like that with Moses after three years, mainly because I know he doesn't like me that way. And I don't like him that way, not anymore. He just wanted SOMEONE and I was there. Just like freshman year.

And tonight, I don't even think its sex I'm yearning for. I've said it before and I'll say it again, sex just isn't important to me. What I really miss right now is the sweet stuff. I miss having my hair stroked, my hand held, my cheek touched. I miss cuddling and being cuddled. I miss looking deeply into someone's eyes and just getting lost in them. That's what I really want tonight.

And what even funnier is I've been thinking about Kevin a lot tonight. How nice it was to fall asleep in his arms. How much I wish I had him to hold close to me. How lovely his kisses were. I know I shouldn't be thinking these things, that it is dangerous and might inspire me to have hope where there is none, but I can't help it. I want Kevin and I to get back together, there I've admitted it straight up. I miss him. But I don't know if he really misses me, as a partner I mean. I wish I could see him though, that would give me something more concrete to work with. If I could see him, interact with him, touch him, I could guage his reactions and see if he really does want me back at all. I almost want to go home for spring break for this very purpose. I guess I'm more impatient then I think I am. I want to know now precisely what he wants from me. I don't want to have to wait and see what happens. I know what I want. I just wish he wanted the same thing :(

But he prolly doesnt, so I just have to sit here and be unheld, untouched, unkissed, and uncuddled.

Flop

Oh my Goddess.
I feel like a rag doll who has smoked too much weed.

I dint get to sleep until 10:00AM. Got up at Noon, it is now a quarter till two and I'm having the damdest time keeping myself awake here at the library.

I had this big whole plan yesterday to use my two hours in here productively, you know, finish up my midterm, do some poetry work, but I'm so dead tired I cannnot concentrate on anything. I fully plan on going home after this and falling asleep until midnight! Then I'll get up and do some homework!

In other news, I spent most of last night on the computer playing with my neopets. Damn that Tristina, she should never have introduced me to this site. It is the most addictive thing ever. It's a good thing I dont have normal pets or I would be totally neglecting them right about now. It's a good thing Keyser is with Lindsey. I would be so ignoring him.

Well I was just writing to kill time. Nothing much has happened recently, so I'm going to go put some Laura Nyro on the record player. Maybe she can keep me awake.

Later,
Carla