When it Rains...

It,s late. The snow has turned into rain. The windows are running and outside is the blurry image of 4 inch high snow drifts. Not high but it's enough to be depressing.

Tina has been sleeping for several hours. I think shes sick even though she swears to high heaven that she isnt. She never sleeps this much. Plus she has thrown up her dinner two nights in a row. yet she refuses to believe there is anything wrong with her body. I am getting worried. Both for her and myself. Neither of us can afford to get sick during midterms.

Ive been sitting here for the last two hours or so trying to be quiet. All this stillness has been making me think. Its never good when i think.

Even though i like Kevin and how affectionate and sensual he is sometimes i wonder if Im just a nice little fuck to him? He says he loves me and that i mean the world to him but i find that hard to believe. he hasnt known me that long. Everybody is lovable before you really get to know them. All of my exs loved me before they got to know me. then they found out how dark and depressing and aggrivating I really am. and they didnt like it. And they broke up with me.

kevin is so sexual Im afraid that is all he sees in me. truthfully we dont have that much in common. Im afraid he is going to hurt me. I dont know if Im thinking like this just cause Im depressed or if Im intuitively picking up on something. It just makes me feel bad to think that Id winde up in yet another pointless go no where relationship.

All guys ever want is to fuck me. thats it. No one sees me with romantic eyes. Sometimes i wonder if Im just destined to be alone. i know it sounds melodramatic and im still young but...i just dont see it. i cant see myslef settling down nor can I imagine someone ever truly accepting me as i am.

Goddess i am depressing myself SOOOOOOOOO much. time to stop this.

Carla

Failure

it looks like Kevin and i will probably break up tonight. Im going to call him after i get off work. i can tell this is going to be the break up conversation.

After writing last nights entry i IMed himm and expressed my feelings to him stateing that i was depressed and not thinking logically. he knew when he got involved with me that i would get depressd some times and need a little help getting out. I made sure to warn him. And he said he could deal because he goes through the same things.

But today he told me that last night really flipped him out. he felt like i was questioning his love, and he didnt like that. he also feltlike it was not his duty to play father to me and tell me everything is okay (even though i do that for him on a daily basis.) He said the distance was bothing him and he felt we were too different o be dating and blah blah blah. i swear i have heard it allbefore. it was all of the same lame ass excuses Marc gave when he broke up with me because he was too chicken shit to admit that he didnt want to put the effort into being in this relationship. he didnt want to admit that he was holding a double standard which stated that i should have to deal with all of his shit and he shouldnt have to deal with any of mine.

Kevin says he doesnt want to break up just ease off although he wont say what the difference is. that might be cuase there is none.

o well i think we can safely say that i will be single by the next time i write so if there are any cute boys out there...hey Im availible.