Silent Night

[morrigirl]

I hate feeling depressed. I really hate it. Every night around three AM, it kicks in. While I'm sitting all alone in my living room, in it creeps, giving me a nice over view of my life.

I'm overweight, I'm fat, I'm boring, I'm unemployed, I'm useless, I have no skills, I'm ugly, I'm unpleasant, I'm depressing, I'm dumb, I'm scared, I'm unable to take risks, I'm whiney (this entry is case and point), I'm dull, I'm worthless, I live with my Mom, I hate myself.

That just abot cover it?

Yup that's what i think to myself every night. And I write and I take online quizzes and I try my damndest not to think about it but it just comes and I can't stop it. And I hate myself for thinking these thoughts, and I hate myself for hating myself for thinking these thoughts.

But the awful part is that they are all true. I'm just wasting away. I wish I had a job, then at least I'd have a routine and routines do a lot when it comes to relieveing depression. They lift that fear of the unknown. You always know whats gonna happen next and its comforting. I could use some comfort right about now. Or...no, just some reassurence, some affirmation. I need someone to tell me I'm beautiful and useful, and fun, and interesting, and talented.

I need to hear that. Don't know if I'd actually believe it, but I need to hear it. No one around to say it though.

Comments

[irishelf.livejournal.com]

in the past two years, i've noticed that my mental defenses against depressing thoughts crumbles more as i get tired. perhaps it's the same with you? it would explain why it happens late at night. all the same, feeling that way sucks. *hug*