Fuck Everyone, You Make me Sick

[morrigirl]

Nobody gives a god damn fucking shit that I'm miserable. If any one did they might actually bother to ask the cause of my misery, ponder the complexities of the problem, and then offer help if they were in a position to do so. But no one asks, no one cares, everyone just draws they're own misguided conclusions and then blame me for being upset.

Fuck you all you god damn fucking lying assholes.

I'm fucking tired of keeping up this happy face when all I want to do is rip everybody's heads off and then shoot myself. I'm enraged at everybody's trite attempts to make me feel better, their *hugs* and their "I love you's," and their stupid, flat compliments and "keep your chin up" advice. I've heard it all before. It has never helped, and it continues not to.

I fucking hate my pathetic existence, I hate myself, and I'm sick of putting up with both. They won't change and they refuse to improve so...I dunno what I'm suppose to do! I don't know why the fuck I even bother living, I really don't. I serve no purpose. And since I'm not having any fun what's the god damn point? I don't like life. It pisses me off. It makes me feel like shit. It makes my existence difficult. I'd rather not exist at all.

Comments

[silent-t.livejournal.com]

Well I care even though I am pathetic and am never around and never write you notes or anything. Sometiems its just that I know what you are going through but sometimes I feel like you don't want to believe that other people know what you go through. And when anyone does offer a suggestion or comfort or something to help you always have a response to kind of shoot it down. Which suck cause then I feel ljust useless. I mean you know that I too live a pretty crappy life and if not for the fact that i live with 4 other people would not be able to afford living, yes even in gburg.
just yesterday i found out my landlord took his time cashing my check wich threw my calculations off on my account and since i have been sick and not going outside i havent gone to deposit my paycheck in the bank and i wound up 120bucks negative. thus losing 120 of my 170 paycheck. sure its cheap to live in gburg but i have bills, big bills, be grateful you dont have those yet. like heat bills credit card bills loans(non student) electric phones.
It just would be nice for a moment if you would just let yourself belive that no matter how awful it is it could be worse and at least you live with poeple that care about you, yes tehy drive you nuts but you cannot say they dont love you. they just drive you nuts cuz theyre always there nagging you. I know because I have a mom too...theyre all like that. anyway I am sorry I am rambling alot. I just wish I knew what to do to make you once just once recognize some of the good things you have but you just focus on the crap, and I know how that is I do it too. But, honestly it will feel like forever but you wont live with your mom forever. I mean come on if I get my shit together i oculd totally be there in liek a year, and thats one roomie! I just wanna ccheer you up but that is hard because I dont know what cheers you up nemore cuz I dont get to see you. well i should stop cuz this is damn long. take care
lov t

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

It's not that I don't believe others know what I'm going through. I know that some do. And it's not that I'm unopen to help. Well that's not the total truth. In the instances that I actually ASK for help, I think I'm pretty open to it, but if someone starts offering me advice I didn't ask for, I'm not gonna listen to them. The advice I typically get is very trite, played out shit like "look on the bright side" which I've been trying to do for years with varying degrees of success.

I don't want advice, I don't want pep talks, I don't want anyone trying to put a positive spin on things. I just want someone to listen and empathize. That's it. And no one seems capable of doing that right now. Everyone needs to try and solve the problem. Well, sorry, that's my job. I'll solve my own problems, I always have. I just need people to support me while I'm working it out.

And i must say I find it terribly ironic that YOU of all people who I have not heard say a positive word about your living situation in...years is asking me to look on the bright side. I've never said that my Mom doesn't care about me. In fact I'm always careful to say that I'm annoyed or angry or pulling my hair out over my mom. Just cause I bitch about her ad nauseum doesn't mean I'm not mindful of the nice things she has done and is doing for me, like letting me live here rent free, and frankly I'm a little upset that you'd accuse me of such. You of all people know what it's like when you just need to bitch and get melodramatic.

You don't need to cheer me up. No one is capable of doing that right now. I'm depressed and therefore practically immune to being cheered. Whenever I read your entires I wish I could do something for you, but I know I can't so I just don't say anything. I think it's better to not say anything than risk saying the wrong thing. I mean, Hell, let's admit it, your lot is worse than mine. Always has been. And I'm not about to go and patronize you by trying to say I understand what you're going through cause I don't. I only know what I'm going through. So I write about that.

[silent-t.livejournal.com]

I dont want to be a look on the bright side person and I didnt mean to do that. Or to say that Im like some angel that doesnt say bad things about my living situation. Honestly living with my mom did really suck it wasnt free and she threw glasses at my head and shit, but that doesnt matter because my mom is not your mom and whats bad in your mom is bad to you, and maybe not to me. Because Im not you. And now I sound all wacko or something. Ha. ANyway im not a rainbow painter, I jsut dont want you to be so miserable but that is beyond me I know this but I am human and therefore will always attempt to make my fellow man feel better. I am cheesey, that is all.