Fuck Everyone, You Make me Sick

[morrigirl]

Nobody gives a god damn fucking shit that I'm miserable. If any one did they might actually bother to ask the cause of my misery, ponder the complexities of the problem, and then offer help if they were in a position to do so. But no one asks, no one cares, everyone just draws they're own misguided conclusions and then blame me for being upset.

Fuck you all you god damn fucking lying assholes.

I'm fucking tired of keeping up this happy face when all I want to do is rip everybody's heads off and then shoot myself. I'm enraged at everybody's trite attempts to make me feel better, their *hugs* and their "I love you's," and their stupid, flat compliments and "keep your chin up" advice. I've heard it all before. It has never helped, and it continues not to.

I fucking hate my pathetic existence, I hate myself, and I'm sick of putting up with both. They won't change and they refuse to improve so...I dunno what I'm suppose to do! I don't know why the fuck I even bother living, I really don't. I serve no purpose. And since I'm not having any fun what's the god damn point? I don't like life. It pisses me off. It makes me feel like shit. It makes my existence difficult. I'd rather not exist at all.

Comments

[altrocks.livejournal.com]

Nonexistence is the holy grail.. often sought, never found. The problem is that you exist and leaving behind your impression with such an ending marrs everything around your existence, and you're the type who loathes that sort of thing even more than their own lives and themselves. The pure selfish feeling of it and uncleanliness binds you to this existence, without joy and without other recourse.

The flat compliments are not always that flat, and the repition of the words of advice and support doesn't indicate a decreased passion or intent behind them, but most often a feeling of despair at being unable to help, knowing the causes or not, because most struggles are inherently personal and waged within.

Searching for paths before you while concentrating on the path that you walk, and going over the paths fo the past makes it even harder to see the paths you're headed towards in a world where those paths are often hidden to begin with, and rare glimpses might give you the occassional flare of hope or despair.

I see you speak of your belifs semi-often, and how much you care about keeping spiritual/emotional balance. How often you comment about your chakra being unbalanced and throwing off every aspect of your life. I know that a person with these sorts of well-grounded beliefs contains an inherent wisdom and beauty that's becoming rarer and rarer in these times, and is even rarer to begin with. I also know that you understand what I'm trying to convey here, even if I'm not doing it well.

Lastly, I hope I can help bring a sense of normalcy, balance and calmness to what appears to be a very hard and trying time for you. Perhaps a miniscule dose of reason and logic tempered with a dash feeling and concern.

As a side note; I don't know about everyone else on your friends list, nor would I have the audacity to try and speak for them, but I read your journal because I like the person you are, and hope to gain some insight into your life, share (in some small measure) in the feeling of your advances and set-backs, and maybe offer advice or support when needed. So please, write down and elaborate and rant and rave all about whatever bothers you. You're not writing FOR us. We're just lucky enough to be along for the ride as long as you'll allow it.

So lots of hand-sliding-on-your-back hugs and wishes and thoughts for your continued and improved existence and life.

`Jeff-