Welcome to my Psyche
Jan. 6th, 2004 06:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlI'm reading Tom Franklin's latest work "Hell at the Breech." The one he wrote with the help of his Guggenheim Fellowship. The one that took he and Beth Ann away from Knox. It's actually pretty good. Took me a few chapters to warm up to it. I'm not usually into anything taking place before 1900, nor do I care much for the south, or Alabama in particular. But now that I see what he's doing, how he's jumping around in time and what it's accomplishing, I've become rather hooked. Come to realize why Tom liked me so much; we have similar writing styles. We craft sentences in the same way. I'm reading this book, and while the subject matter is nothing I'd ever waste my time with, I read the indivdual sentences and think "I would so write that."
I need to get out of my mom's house. Now. The woman is constantly searching for reasons to fuss at me and when she can't find any she invents some. Take Sunday night for example: after arriving home from a weekend in Connecticut, she stormed into the house, said nothing of the fact that I cleaned both the living room and the kitchen in her absence, but immediately accuses me of having not run the dishwasher like she asked me to before she left. And she started yelling at me over it!!! It wasn't until she paused for breath that I was able to interject that Yes, I DID run the dishwasher. I ran it, emptied it, and refilled it which is why there were still dirty dishes in it!!!!!! That shut her ass up.
I honestly can't handle co-habitating with someone who is dying to catch me doing something wrong! And...I realized something once she got back. While I may not have had the most exciting weekend on record, I spent most of it in the moment. For instance, when I was showering, my mind wa sin the shower with me, not on one of its typical flights of fancy. When I was watching TV I was seriously paying attention. When I was out walking, my head was with me. But the moment she walked back into the house my fantasy world came rushing back at me. After she quit yeling at me, and went to unpack her clothes, I sat down on the sofa, curled up into a ball and started fantasizing. Wasn't till ten minutes later that I realized I'd been staring at the TV and had no idea what was going on. My fantasy life flares up when I'm in a situation I don't like, when my life turns into something I want to run away from. Mom makes me want to run away. I can tell you the exact time in my life when I started daydreaming...when I hit puberty and my mother began critisizing me all the time.
So this weeks theory is that she's to blame for all my spaciness and disconnectedness. Her constant badgering, perfectionism, and controling nature make it impossible for me to live comfortably there. Knowing that I can never do anything right, I retreat to a world where I can never do anything wrong. Welcome to my psyche everyone.
I'm back at the library. It's winter break so the place is dead. I've actually been asking for work. Cause honestly there's nothing for me to do here. No books are coming in, no books are going out, no student aids are working, and since my jobs revolves around all of the above I'm kinda useless right now. I'm working different hours this month, 12-8. And while I like getting off earlier, there's really no reason to keep the library open after five or six, not now when nothing is going on. I feel resentful that I have to waste 8 hours of my day doing nothing. I wouldn't mind foregoing my paycheck for the next month if I wouldn't have to come in to work. It's just SUCH a waste of my time, I can't tell you. I could be out shopping for Other Mike's very belated Christmas gift, I could be watching my Homicide: Life on the Streets DVDs, I could be taking long walks through Central Park, I could be taking up jogging or something. But instead I'm stuck behind a service desk with no one to...service. It's aggravating.
I need to get out of my mom's house. Now. The woman is constantly searching for reasons to fuss at me and when she can't find any she invents some. Take Sunday night for example: after arriving home from a weekend in Connecticut, she stormed into the house, said nothing of the fact that I cleaned both the living room and the kitchen in her absence, but immediately accuses me of having not run the dishwasher like she asked me to before she left. And she started yelling at me over it!!! It wasn't until she paused for breath that I was able to interject that Yes, I DID run the dishwasher. I ran it, emptied it, and refilled it which is why there were still dirty dishes in it!!!!!! That shut her ass up.
I honestly can't handle co-habitating with someone who is dying to catch me doing something wrong! And...I realized something once she got back. While I may not have had the most exciting weekend on record, I spent most of it in the moment. For instance, when I was showering, my mind wa sin the shower with me, not on one of its typical flights of fancy. When I was watching TV I was seriously paying attention. When I was out walking, my head was with me. But the moment she walked back into the house my fantasy world came rushing back at me. After she quit yeling at me, and went to unpack her clothes, I sat down on the sofa, curled up into a ball and started fantasizing. Wasn't till ten minutes later that I realized I'd been staring at the TV and had no idea what was going on. My fantasy life flares up when I'm in a situation I don't like, when my life turns into something I want to run away from. Mom makes me want to run away. I can tell you the exact time in my life when I started daydreaming...when I hit puberty and my mother began critisizing me all the time.
So this weeks theory is that she's to blame for all my spaciness and disconnectedness. Her constant badgering, perfectionism, and controling nature make it impossible for me to live comfortably there. Knowing that I can never do anything right, I retreat to a world where I can never do anything wrong. Welcome to my psyche everyone.
I'm back at the library. It's winter break so the place is dead. I've actually been asking for work. Cause honestly there's nothing for me to do here. No books are coming in, no books are going out, no student aids are working, and since my jobs revolves around all of the above I'm kinda useless right now. I'm working different hours this month, 12-8. And while I like getting off earlier, there's really no reason to keep the library open after five or six, not now when nothing is going on. I feel resentful that I have to waste 8 hours of my day doing nothing. I wouldn't mind foregoing my paycheck for the next month if I wouldn't have to come in to work. It's just SUCH a waste of my time, I can't tell you. I could be out shopping for Other Mike's very belated Christmas gift, I could be watching my Homicide: Life on the Streets DVDs, I could be taking long walks through Central Park, I could be taking up jogging or something. But instead I'm stuck behind a service desk with no one to...service. It's aggravating.
