Locks and Keys
Mar. 4th, 2008 08:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlI've been thinking a lot about openness over the last couple of months, specifically openness as it applies to this journal. As most of you know, I am in the habit of looking back on my old journal entries each day just because I think it's fun to see what I was doing and how I was feeling on that particular day one, two, six years ago. I am always surprised at how open I was back when I first began journaling online. I didn't lock any of my entries. Everything, no matter how dirty or lurid or embarrassing, was out there for everyone to see.
Now, I've noticed that the vast majority of my posts are locked and filtered. Only the most mundane entries are made public. After six years of journaling online I know there are some things that simply aren't for public consumption. Some things should be kept private. But, I miss being fearless. I miss not giving a shit about who knew what about me. Even though that approach did wreak some very unpleasant havoc, I think age, experience, and better judgment could temper those dramatic tendencies now.
I would like to start being more open again, more transparent. As with everything else in my life, I don't really know how to go about doing that, not anymore. But I guess I'll have to try and figure it out.
It seems as though there are a lot of things I need to figure out these days, and sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff I want to accomplish. I feel like I have to do all of it right now even though I know I don't. I think that my free time should be endlessly productive or else I'm being a waste of space. Of course, this toxic idea only serves to make me feel more overwhelmed and when I'm overwhelmed I freeze. I become paralyzed and escape to the internet in order to relax myself, and then nothing productive gets done.
I don't think I know how to be productive. Okay, that's not true. I'm plenty productive, just not at anything that it would be in my interest to be productive at.
You know one good thing about checking old journal entries everyday? Knowing that I get into this exact mind frame at this exact time every year. Yup, I've written this exact entry at least once every March for the last six years. I think it's a seasonal thing. Been walking around without light for too many months. I'm sure I'll feel better in another few weeks.
Oh, and in case you hadn't noticed, the world has officially gone mad. I don't know what it is about this week, but there seems to be surprising and fuct up shit around every corner. I can't wait to see what the universe has planned for tomorrow.
Now, I've noticed that the vast majority of my posts are locked and filtered. Only the most mundane entries are made public. After six years of journaling online I know there are some things that simply aren't for public consumption. Some things should be kept private. But, I miss being fearless. I miss not giving a shit about who knew what about me. Even though that approach did wreak some very unpleasant havoc, I think age, experience, and better judgment could temper those dramatic tendencies now.
I would like to start being more open again, more transparent. As with everything else in my life, I don't really know how to go about doing that, not anymore. But I guess I'll have to try and figure it out.
It seems as though there are a lot of things I need to figure out these days, and sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff I want to accomplish. I feel like I have to do all of it right now even though I know I don't. I think that my free time should be endlessly productive or else I'm being a waste of space. Of course, this toxic idea only serves to make me feel more overwhelmed and when I'm overwhelmed I freeze. I become paralyzed and escape to the internet in order to relax myself, and then nothing productive gets done.
I don't think I know how to be productive. Okay, that's not true. I'm plenty productive, just not at anything that it would be in my interest to be productive at.
You know one good thing about checking old journal entries everyday? Knowing that I get into this exact mind frame at this exact time every year. Yup, I've written this exact entry at least once every March for the last six years. I think it's a seasonal thing. Been walking around without light for too many months. I'm sure I'll feel better in another few weeks.
Oh, and in case you hadn't noticed, the world has officially gone mad. I don't know what it is about this week, but there seems to be surprising and fuct up shit around every corner. I can't wait to see what the universe has planned for tomorrow.
