morrigirl | Grave Robber

Couldn't sleep. Started thinking about death and had to get up and walk around. I don't know why but it seems I do that a lot now, think of death while trying to fall asleep. Makes no sense since the thought of death is hardly the kind of thing that makes one want to relax and drift off into dreamland. In my case, it just get the adreneline pumping and I have to get up and DO something. Like go to the bathroom or walk around the apartment or sit down at my computer and type a journal entry. I need to do something that puts me in physical contact with my surroundings.

I know that sounds a bit strange. Afterall aren't we always in physical contact with our surroundings? Well maybe some people are but I'm sure as hell not. I live too much in my head. When I start thinking of death, i get trapped in my mind, my imagination runs wild and I lose touch with everything around me. So I have to feel it to make sure it's still there. To make sure I'M still here. Because I'm so terrified by the thought that some day I won't be.

I may hate my life, but I don't want to die. I'm too frightened of not existing. I don't like the idea of nothingness, of losing consciousness, of not being aware of anything. That's why I'll never ever be able to commit suicide, too scared of the unknown. And it's not death I want, I just want my life to change, be better. I don't want to not be here.

All of this is just so impermanant. Too unstable. Everything in this room including myself will eventually decay and cease to exist. I hate that thought. HATE IT!!!!!! I want to BE here!!!! I don't want to decay.

Kirk has been in the ground for a full year. There's probably nothing left of him by now. His eyes, those beautiful deep brown eyes that were prettier than Clark's are long gone. His hair, no more hair. Just bones left. No sweet little rolls on his stomach, no lips to smile with, no comfy arms to hug with. I don't want to be alone like that forever.

I remember the first night Kirk was in the ground I wanted to be with him. That's not to say I wanted to die. Rather, I didn't like the idea of him being all alone and cold so far away from human contact. I envisioned myself digging through the dirt down to his coffin, openning up the lid, and cuddling up next to him just so he wouldn't be alone. So he would feel warm and loved. And so I could feel safe in his arms again.

All of my molecules are transient. I don't like living in skin that won't be here in a hundred years. I want to be permanent. I like security and certainty and permanence.

I find myself afraid to sleep these days. I'll push myself to stay awake as long as my body can possbly hold out. That's why I'm always online so late at night. I won't let my body give up. I'm afraid if I go to sleep I'll miss something. And since my time here is so limited, I don't want to miss anything. Kind of stupid since I'm not doing anything with my life right now and there's no chance of anything even remotely interesting happening to me. Are you really alive if you aren't doing anything? Must be. If I were dead I wouldn't value my pathetic existance as much as I do.