A Tale of Two Heathers

[morrigirl]

Yesterday, I arrived home from work to find a postcard waiting for me along with all the typical bills and solicitation mail. Delighted, I immediately turned it over to see who sent it. I saw the words "Love, Heather" and instantly thought it was from Heather Frankland. After all, the handwriting looked like hers, there was a smiley face drawn at the bottom by her name, and since Heather is the only one of my friends who is so into paper correspondence that she often sends unexpected gifts and letters through the mail, it seemed a foregone conclusion that the postcard was from her.

I'll admit the short paragraph she wrote on the back did strike me as a little odd. She made brief mention of time spent in New York that was too short before closing with the comment that she'd see me on LJ. My thoughts were A) When the hell was Heather in New York? and B) Omigod! does this mean she's gonna start writing in her LJ again after two years? It should be noted that Heather Frankland lives in New Mexico. Through all my head scratching I managed to overlook the huge ass post mark that very clearly said Eugene, Oregon, but we'll return to that later.

Heather F. and I have been playing phone tag all week, and tonight I finally got a hold of her and we had a really great conversation that lasted for two hours. At one point I said to her, "Oh, I got your postcard the other day, thank you!"

She sputtered a little. "Y..you did?"

"Yeah!"

"The Valentine's Day one?"

"I...think so," I said hesitantly.

"When did you get it?"

"Yesterday."

"Wow," said Heather. "That's really amazing because I SENT it yesterday."

Now I KNOW a postcard can't get from New Mexico to New York in eight hours even with a time change, so I said to her, "Hold on a minute, let me go get the card to make sure we're both talking about the same one."

I ran into the other room, got the card, and re-read it as I returned to the phone. For the first time I noticed the Eugene postmark and even THEN my first thought was "How did a letter sent in New Mexico end up with a postmark from Oregon?"

And then, just as I was picking up the receiver...bam, it hit me! I remembered the Livejournal entry Heather HOLMQUEST posted back in December right before she ran off to France on vacation telling everyone that if they wanted a postcard from Europe they should give her their address. Being an avid postcard collector I naturally gave her my address. A couple days later she posted a follow-up entry reporting that she'd received so many postcard requests there was no way she'd be able to write all of them while she was in France so some of them would have to wait until she returned to the states. All of this flashed through my mind the millisecond before the receiver reached my ear and I said, "Okay, Heather? I just realized..."

So now, having admitted that I am a complete and utter idiot, I would like to send a great big THANK YOOOOO to irishelf for the lovely postcard that I got yesterday but didn't realize was from her until this evening. I'm absolutely tickled that you remembered, especially since I didn't :-)

I have a nice little collection of good stories involving Heather H. The story of how I met her is one of my favorites to recount because it's just so funny, even funnier if you actually know all the players. I still remember the night I asked her to serenade me in the caf, and she did! I remember that silly, zany, great things happen when Heather H. is around and that's just one of the many reasons I adore her.

And, on a slightly different topic, I was thinking about my LJ friends list the other day. Roughly 50% of my total list is composed of people I met at Knox and know in real. Of that 50% maybe 10% are people who I was, and still am, very close to; people who I trust with all my shames, secrets, joys, and triumphs. The remaining 40% are people who, in real life, I would say range from good friend to mere acquaintance. Most of the individuals on my friends list who I know from real life aren't people who I have a very deep relationship with in person. I care about them, that's why they are on my flist. Because I know and like them well enough to want to be continually updated on what is going on in their lives.

But, I notice myself, and most of the other Knox people on my friends list, writing about and revealing very personal, intimate things about themselves on Livejournal, stuff I know it would never occur to us to share with one another over dinner. And I've been wondering why we are able and willing to share these private parts of ourselves out here when we haven't been able to in person? The question itself assumes that everyone's friends list is similar to mine. Maybe it's not. Maybe you, the reader, are very close to almost everyone on your friends list in which case the question does not apply to you. I'm just amazed that simply by opting into someone's lovelocked posting filter I suddenly become privvy to a whole host of things I never knew about the poster and, in all likelihood, never would have known if the relationship had not been carried onto LJ.

So, I ask you, why do you do it? Why do you, personally, choose to share so much about yourself over LJ with people you would probably not have shared it with through other channels?

Comments

[irishelf.livejournal.com]

Funny story! Sorry it took so long.

I think I let people read things because I know that other people may have valuable insight, or something to learn from my mistakes, or general compassion to share. Just because we didn't talk all that much in school doesn't mean we shouldn't withhold information just because we don't see each other anymore.

Also, at this point, the people who read my LJ are people who I would talk about this in person. I didn't let just anyone who asked on my lovelock. :-)

[electra310.livejournal.com]

Because if you start rambling on about personal stuff at the dinner table, the other person might get bored, or want to talk about other things, and it would hurt your feelings, even though they didn't mean it that way. On LJ you can hold forth at as much length as you'd like, and people can peruse it, analyze it, skim it, or skip it as they so desire, and you'll never know. So there's less inherent risk in opening up and sharing. That's my theory, anyway.

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

I agree. I definitely think that aspect of the online journaling experience, the reader's ability to filter the information they consume, plays a role in the writer's decision to be open and honest, as does the writer's ability to block the view of particular readers.

[acsnavely.livejournal.com]

i think of that whole "LJ-friends" thing a lot.

only one or two people om my whole list are people i trust as "super RL best friends", and the rest are people i knew from high school and were "buddies" with, but not close or intimate.
the rest of the people consist of SCN guys who turned out not to be the "fake-ones".

i kind of did an internet "reality-check" after some of the bullshit last year, and narrowed a group of "net people" down to a small chunk of who i could see myself giving a damn about in the real world.

as dumb as it sounds, i think most RL-people on my LJ list understand an unspoken kind of rule where stuff you write on LJ, even if its not super-gushey, isnt really public conversation unless the one who wrote it brings it up.

since the stuff i write isnt really in circulation, it doesnt bother me who knows it. its never very interesting, anyhow.

[sioux-zee.livejournal.com]

firstly, you might want to check out www.postcrossing.com if you like to collect postcards. i'm a member and i get postcards from around the world all the time! it's aweeeesome.

as for your question: i do it because it's a small form of catharsis. i just like to write what i'm feeling because it makes me feel a bit better afterwards. i don't talk really talk to anyone about my inner most fears/thoughts (except eric), so it's nice to get it out. and anyway, it's easier to type it out then to actually SAY it. basically everyone on my friends list, save for eric, is an LJ friend so I don't have to talk about these things face to face.... which is good because the whole face-to-face conversation about things makes me uncomfortable.
i just woke up and am half asleep, hope that made sense haha

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

I only learned about postcrossing a couple of weeks ago. I thought it sounded fabulous, but I'm a little hesitant about having my name and mailing address sent to a stranger. I take it you've had a good experience with them? never had any issues with your information going out?

I have a hard time expressing myself verbally, so I know what you mean about it being easier to type everything out. Sometimes I'll spend weeks revising a particular LJ entry before I post it just so I can get my thoughts worded perfectly.

Oh and BTW, I love your icon.

[sioux-zee.livejournal.com]

at first i was kind of scared to give out my address, but i dont really think about it anymore.. i've gotten like 30 something postcards, and sent out just as many and haven't had any issues...

i'm kind of the opposite - i just let everything flow out and post it. then later i read it and go "omg, that is so confusing/poorly written!" but... oh well.

why thank you :) frida = god.

[ninquark.livejournal.com]

The information I post in my journal is information I am willing to and do share with people in real-life as well. If I lock an entry, it means I am willing to share the information with only a select few.

As to why so many people are willing to share private information on LJ, and other online blogs, that they would not normally divulge face to face... I think there are many different reasons. As a few other people stated, they use it as a vent, simply a way to get the emotions out. Others like it because they can more easily express themselves in the written word than they can in speaking.

But I think there is another reason people have for this dualism of personality. People similarly are more likely to insult, jab, and give simplistic slams against others online where they would not otherwise insult somebody in person. This initially is because of the functions of anonymoty(sp?) of online behavior, the key to which is that so long as your identity is indeed masked through the internet you need not suffer through any social consequences for your actions. Without consequences, people are more likely to express themselves without censorship. What I have observed that creates a larger social problem is that sometimes people get in a habit of being rude, sharing private information and the like in an anonymous fashion so much that they don't think about it as much when they post such information to their friends. Their identity and personality is flexible in new ways through written and online expression, and the feeling is liberating. It is not until they remove the illusion of the internet and face the consequences of sharing private information, or insults usually kept caged, that they realize what they have done. Thus... LJ drama.

At the same time, new rules of expression are created online as well. In the US it's generally not accepted to be honest in all situations. Many people tell their friends and loved ones that an outfit doesn't make them look fat when, in fact, it does. Online, people (especially young people) have found a way to bypass these social rules of engagement.

It's kind of like the culture in Ghana. electra310 recently shared with me that, while it is unacceptable to criticize somebody in open conversation in Ghana, they are able to bypass these rules of engagement by naming their pets with perceived slights. For example, you overhear somebody gossiping and so they say to their dog "Stop talking behind my back and get a move on!" or they will actually name the dog "Gossip Bitch", and call its name at appropriate times to get the hint across to the intended offender.

I just wrote a lot... I'll stop now. ;-p

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

You did write a lot, and you raised some good points.

Like yourself, I usually write about stuff I would be willing to discuss in real life, using locked posts to identify those with whom I would discuss them. Even so, I still find myself revealing things to people that I probably wouldn't reveal to them in person, not because I don't like them or don't trust them, but because the social constraints under which I am/was accustomed to interacting with them within either occurred primarily in group settings where the development of intimacy was difficult, or where such revealations wouldn't have been socially appropriate. I find the illusion of intimacy that is created by blogging communities, and LJ in particular, greatly contributes to my decision/ability to share personal information.

I agree that the anonymity afforded one on the internet definitely promotes the shedding of inhibition. As you said, when you don't have to literally face the consequences it is far easier to say and do brash things. When I started blogging back in 2002 I kind of fell into the trap of sharing private information without any filtering, and that caused tension among me and some of my friends. It took me a year or two to realize that I really did need to allow regular social mores to govern what I said and did online, to some degree.

But, I have to admit, even though I know about 50% of my LJ friends in real life, the fact that I don't have to see any of you on a regular basis makes me far less self-conscious. If I had to see you all in the caf every night, I might filter my journal a bit differently.

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

Oh, I also think there's a sort of domino effect that goes on when revealing personal information. For example, if I write something very personal and intimate and I include Jane Doe in the filter, thus demonstrating that I trust her with the information, Jane Doe may be more inclinded to trust me with personal information of her own and choose to include me on a reavaling filter the next time she posts. I guess that's not really a domino effect but I can't think of the right words to descriibe what it is. Whatever it is, it is similar to how people develop trust in real life; one person takes a risk that shows trust, then the other person does the same. Hmmm, maybe this whole phenomena I found so baffling a few days ago is actually way more organic and conventionally socially structured than I thought.