Paralysis

[morrigirl]

My life is being run by lists. At work I have a long task list and at home I have an equally large "to do" list. Written lists are the only way I can remember to do anything. And while I have to admit writing lists and keeping to them has made me infinitely more productive over the last week or two, they also overwhelm me to the point of paralysis sometimes. I constantly feel I should be doing something, or even several things simultaneously. I have a tough time prioritizing because I tend to think everything is of equal importance. So I look at these lists composed of so many tasks and I become paralyzed. My brain can't come up with a plan that will get all of them done within the desired time frame or with any degree of excellence. So, I just put things off because, why do something if you can't do it perfectly?

Truth is, I'm a hardcore perfectionist, a fact you'd never guess given the regularity with which I fail at stuff and the level of composure with which I accept those failings. I am comfortable with failing. I've done it so often it really doesn't phase me anymore. But...I still fear failure. I want to be able to do things perfectly all the time and even though I know I can't do that, I still try and I try with a ridiculous amount of ferocity. I try so hard I undermine myself and nothing gets done. What a vicious cycle.

In other news, I am remarkably pissed off at the secretaries in one of my doctor's offices. Tomorrow I am due to run out of one of the pain medications I need in order to do mundane shit like oh, you know, WALK! I have called the office, not once, not twice, but THREE times this week asking that my doctor phone in a refill to the pharmacy. Three times I have given my name, date of birth, the name of my medication, the dosage, the number of the pharmacy, my phone number, and the RX number just to be on the safe side. Three times the prescription has failed to be refilled. I know it's not my doctor who is at fault. She is completely organized and has always phoned in prescriptions for me on time. Wish I could say the same for her secretaries, who I know for a fact routinely forget to give her messages from patients. I have watched her chew these girls out several times for that infraction. I have tried to impart upon them the importance of getting this prescription ASAP, that I will not be able to function if I do not. Still, after four days, the five minute phone call it would take to close the deal has not been made. I am alternately furious and scared as hell. I am furious because if I find out the prescription hasn't been filled by the time I get home this evening, I will have to call first thing tomorrow morning and set up an emergency office appointment for the sole purpose of getting a new written prescription. Not only is that a waste of my money, but a horrendous waste of my doctor's time. Not to mention the fact I'll have to take a day off of work, a day for which I will not be paid. But, if I can't get an emergency appointment, I'll have to wait until AT LEAST Monday, if not longer, before I can get to her office and be seen. That means no less than two days without my meds. This terrifies me. Without these meds I will be in such excruciating pain I will be unable to walk, sit, or do anything other then lay motionless in bed. I have tickets to see Spamalot on Sunday so this is unacceptable. I will call the office one more time before I leave work. I will yell, scream, cry, and threaten legal action if that's what it takes to get this fucking prescription phoned in.

So much to do. So much to worry about. I don't know how I'll get it all done :-(

Comments

[acsnavely.livejournal.com]

urgh ive tried to do the whole "list" thing recently, too.
my long-term homework situation is so massive that i ended up getting a dry-erase calander and colour coding everything.

i have SO MUCH stuff going on, that i couldnt even THINK of how to go about it before i made the "list"...
and now that i have it written down, it totally makes my head mush to see all the stuff.

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

it totally makes my head mush to see all the stuff

That's it EXACTLY!

[kdc4evr.livejournal.com]

if you can't figure out how to prioritize, just start at the top, because the most important things are probably what you thought of first anyways. I keep meaning to make a list. I keep making mental lists but never write anything down which sort of defeats the purpose because I forget the lists in my head. Silly me.

I hope you get your drugs

[morrigirl.livejournal.com]

Thanks Gayley. I have your Christmas present. It has been sitting ni my apartment for two weeks because I've been too lazy to wrap it. But it's here and you shall get it...one of these days :-/