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morrigirlI had a major melt down last night. It was triggered by something relatively trivial, the crashing of my Sims game. That's a story unto itself, but for the purposes of this entry suffice to say that the damn thing froze numerous times and I had no idea how to fix it. And this was something of a minor tragedy since the Sims have been my primary opiate ever since I bought it. Thinking back I can trace my numbness to the day I bought it. Playing it has been nicely sedating me.
So when I couldn't play last night, not only did I get insanely angry, but I was emotionally thrown. No more opiate, so how was I to keep my feelings at bay? I decided to whip out some of my New Age books and do some chakra research for Gayle. I want to send her a diagnostic test so we can figure out which of her chakras are imbalanced and then determine a course of action to balance them. Well i was reading all this information about the kinds of symptoms that accompany imbalanced chakras and bascially realized that all of my chakras are SEVERELY imbalanced. And...I dunno that just sent me over the edge and I ran into the bathroom and started crying hysterically. Had to do it silently as well since the last thing I needed was mom on my back.
And my mind just started racing a thousand miles per hour. I just kept thinking the words "I HATE ME," over and over again. I thought of how devastatingly ugly I am, and how there is nothing anyone can ever say that will make me think otherwise. Of how unsafe I feel in the world, like the fates are just out to get me. I feel like everyone is out to get me, everyone is running a con on me, no one is sincere. Everyone hates me as much as I hate myself. My own hatred is a sign of how much everyone dislikes me. And on and on....
And I couldn't stop crying. My face got all distorted, and I just...didn't know what to do. All the bad feelings came flooding back into my brain and I just...became paralyzed. I couldn't move. I just thought of how trapped I feel living here with a mother who hates me, and how worthless I am as a worker, and how I have no drive, talent or friends. No support. Thought maybe i really do belong in a long term care facility since i'm obviously incapable of taking care of myself. Maybe a group home would be good for me. What I liked about being in the hospital was the protection we recieved from the real world. We didn't have to do anything or deal with any real problems. Hospitals are not meant for healing, not where the mentally ill are concerned. They are meant to shelter the inmate from society. That is all. I want to be sheltered so bad. Sheltered from myself and all my worries. Protected from my family.
Had another funky dream last night. This time Clark was in it. I dreamt I was in Wilmongton with Dad and Mike, and Clark was there too. And we all went to this cast party for some show I was in, and we had a delightful time. All the guys got along and we just sat around joking and goofing around with each other. Then I dreampt we were in Pensacola, and it was the same deal, the four of us having a grand time together.
Notice the glaring lack of my mother in these happy dreams. Think my mind gave me happy dreams populated by people I like in order to counter all the negative shit I was thinking before I drifted off.
Haven't been online all day. i've been too pissed at my computer and the Sims. Wrote Heather a letter today. I'm gonna send her a book. I go to the dentist tomorrow.
I dunno what else to write.
So when I couldn't play last night, not only did I get insanely angry, but I was emotionally thrown. No more opiate, so how was I to keep my feelings at bay? I decided to whip out some of my New Age books and do some chakra research for Gayle. I want to send her a diagnostic test so we can figure out which of her chakras are imbalanced and then determine a course of action to balance them. Well i was reading all this information about the kinds of symptoms that accompany imbalanced chakras and bascially realized that all of my chakras are SEVERELY imbalanced. And...I dunno that just sent me over the edge and I ran into the bathroom and started crying hysterically. Had to do it silently as well since the last thing I needed was mom on my back.
And my mind just started racing a thousand miles per hour. I just kept thinking the words "I HATE ME," over and over again. I thought of how devastatingly ugly I am, and how there is nothing anyone can ever say that will make me think otherwise. Of how unsafe I feel in the world, like the fates are just out to get me. I feel like everyone is out to get me, everyone is running a con on me, no one is sincere. Everyone hates me as much as I hate myself. My own hatred is a sign of how much everyone dislikes me. And on and on....
And I couldn't stop crying. My face got all distorted, and I just...didn't know what to do. All the bad feelings came flooding back into my brain and I just...became paralyzed. I couldn't move. I just thought of how trapped I feel living here with a mother who hates me, and how worthless I am as a worker, and how I have no drive, talent or friends. No support. Thought maybe i really do belong in a long term care facility since i'm obviously incapable of taking care of myself. Maybe a group home would be good for me. What I liked about being in the hospital was the protection we recieved from the real world. We didn't have to do anything or deal with any real problems. Hospitals are not meant for healing, not where the mentally ill are concerned. They are meant to shelter the inmate from society. That is all. I want to be sheltered so bad. Sheltered from myself and all my worries. Protected from my family.
Had another funky dream last night. This time Clark was in it. I dreamt I was in Wilmongton with Dad and Mike, and Clark was there too. And we all went to this cast party for some show I was in, and we had a delightful time. All the guys got along and we just sat around joking and goofing around with each other. Then I dreampt we were in Pensacola, and it was the same deal, the four of us having a grand time together.
Notice the glaring lack of my mother in these happy dreams. Think my mind gave me happy dreams populated by people I like in order to counter all the negative shit I was thinking before I drifted off.
Haven't been online all day. i've been too pissed at my computer and the Sims. Wrote Heather a letter today. I'm gonna send her a book. I go to the dentist tomorrow.
I dunno what else to write.
The Sims are the Opiate of the People
Date: 2003-09-06 12:46 am (UTC)For the Sims, download "The Sims File Cop" from the main Sims website and run that every time you download something. Also, delete your cookies before playing...it clears up plenty of memory. Beyond that, the game tends to crash relatively often.
Feel better, okay?
~Abby~