morrigirl | The Cover Letter I'd like to Send

Dear Whoever the Hell's in Charge of this Circus,

I'm a writer. You'd never know it by looking over my resume though since no one has ever paid me to write. You'll just have to take my word for it. What have I to back up this claim of being a writer? Well, I studied creative writing for five years and have the Bachelor's degree to prove it. I've a small library of 5-20 page academic papers with big red A's on the top. I've written tons of short stories and personal essays that have caused many to utter the word "Wow." I also write about a hundred poems every year, some of which are even readable. I'm generally concise but can be long winded when it's called for. I can record fact or create fiction, summarize and analyze, and all in all make myself indespensible if you put a pen in my hand.

I'm also an editor. Again, pretty ballsy claim considering I've no professional editorial experience. Note the inclusion of the word "professional" in the previous sentence. I was an English major for Christ's sake, so I sure as hell have editorial experience. I spent five years editing the shit out of my own work and it's all the better for it. I've edited papers and stories for friends and colleages. I'm quick to cut out extraneous words and sentences. I like readong tight prose and I know how to sinch loose paragraph. I read so many books that make me wonder "How did her editor let her get away with this?" Take Elizabeth Wurtzel's Prozac Nation for example. Ms. Wurtzel has a tendancy to say the exact same thing three different ways in three consecutive paragraphs. It's a waste of space, the equivilent of linguistic masturbation. Even if Ms. Wurtzel is dumb enough to have to explain herself three times, her readers aren't. They deserve better prose. In my opinion that book could have been cut down to two hundred pages if her editor had been a little more concerned with the product. Ms. Wurtzel should've taken a look at William Styron's Darkness Visible. Not only was it far better executed, but it was under a hundred pages.

In addition, I'm an all out entertainment buff. Books, movies, television, music, theatre, I'm up to date on all of it. I've a particular fondness for Joss Whedon so if you ever need someone to follow the ever expanding Buffy beat for whatever reason then I'm your girl. I come from a show biz family and have done some acting so I know a good performance when I see it. Ican effectively critique any media related product and draw meaningful comparisons between mediums. At present I find the growing popularity of tales involving a "chosen one" very interesting. Such stories play into our individual hope that each of us is special in some way, a hope that we as a society need to keep alive as our jobs become more automated, less meaningful, and harder to come by, and our recreational activites become more sedantary and mind numbing. We all need to believe that we could accomplish great things given the opportunity.

However, if you are dead set on evaluating my ability to do this job based on my previous work experience, I'm still pretty sure I'd measure up. I've spent the last five years working in academic libraries, which is actually a lot like working retail. I answer the same questions three hundred times a day and I do it with a smile. I defuse irate patrons who don't want to pay their twenty-five cent fines. I get the copiers and printers to work again when the patrons break them. It's my duty to order all the office supplies so that we always have more pens when the students run off with ours. And, oh yeah, I supervise and train all of our work study students, seeing to it that they don't shelve a book without first memorizing the entire library of congress call number system, and familiarizing themselves with our shelving locations and the Sirsi circulation module.

I'm a renaisasnce woman. I love to learn new things and can wear just about any hat you put on me. I can give order and follow them, work independently or as part of a team, be firm and flexible. I'm sure I could do something completely unrelated to my previous academic training or work experience, like herd cattle or sell insurence to Inuits in Greenland. Why? Because I ooze potential out of every orifice. I'm young and hungry, and just waiting for someone to mold me into their ideal worker. Just imagine, if you get your hands on me now you can take all my potential and shape it to your liking, harnessing it in whatever fashion would most benefit your company. And the better I become at what I do, the more successful your company will be, the more satisfied I will be as a worker, and the more likely I'll stick around for the long haul continuing to improve your business. Doesn't that sound awesome?

I thank you for taking the time to read all the way through this letter. You deserve commendation for that alone. I hope I've managed to spark your interest, or at very least given you a nice little giggle and a story to circulate among your co-workers. Every office needs a jester, and if you happen to be hiring one please consider my resume for that position as well. Have a wonderful day and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love,

Carla