Grey Anatomy
May. 14th, 2005 09:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlA couple nights ago while Michael and I were riding home on the 2 train I told him a little about my money problems. I've been keeping my financial worries to myself. With Mike having been out of a job for so long and Mom helping support him, I haven't exactly felt like I've any reason to whine. But Michael has a new job now, one that pays 13K more a year than mine, so now he can start taking me to the movies again instead of the other way around. Anyway, I told Mikey I've been struggling and he told me not to worry because I'm "getting it done."
"When I was making the kind of money you are I was still living at home," he said. "You went out there, you got your own place, you're getting it done. I'm very proud of you."
That made me feel good for a little while. I've never tried to make Michael proud of me, but that I somehow have is a delight of great proportion. But then I had to go and screw up my high by comparing myself to others. All of my friends are getting a lot more done than I am. Today Gayle is graduating from law school. Heather and Tina are going to the ceremony. I'm pissed that I can't be there with them. But Gayle, now there's girl who is getting shit done. She's graduating from law school, she's moving to Seattle, before long she'll pass the Bar exam and become a practicing lawyer. That has been her plan for as long as I've known her and she's making it happen. No detours, she's just going for it. I spoke to Heather on the phon last night. That was lovely. I've been very bad about keeping in contact with her and the rest of humanity lately, mainly because I've been such a sour puss. I don't want to shit all over everyone else. Anyway, Heather told me she's moving to Chicago temporarily to look for a job. I know she wants to move there permanently. Kerry and Brynn are letting her sleep on their couch while she hunts. There's another girl who's getting it done. She wants to live in Chicago so she's taking steps to do it. She's so talented and has so much great work and volunteer experience someone is sure to snatch her up in a jiffy. She'll have her own place and a sizable income before she knows it.
Talked to Tina online Thursday. I asked her when she was gonna buck up and apply to grad school? "Fall," she replied. Yup, she's finally gonna swallow her fear and do it. And she'll get in because she has everything a school could possibly want in a potential student: talent, professional teaching experience, glowing references, straight A's, and above all, an inexhaustible commitment to her area of study. I'd be surprised if they all didn't admit her with full scholarships.
And Gemma, she's certainly getting it done. Not only has she managed to get out of her Uncle's house, she's managed to get into graduate school and will soon be living her dreams as well.
I'm insanely proud of all of them. Proud to the point of bursting. But that pride doesn't stop me from being envious. I wish I could do all the things they're doing: go to graduate school, possibly relocate, live my dream. There was a time when I could. Through out my life I've always gotten the things I've wanted when I've single mindedly set my sights on getting them. In looking back on those times however, I find particular circumstances that are presently absent. First, I've only been able to summon that sort of commitment after a fall out that left me at rock bottom. It's only after suffering a melt down or loss that leaves me with nothing that I lose all the worry and inhibition that holds me back. After all, when you're down there's no place to go but up. When you've lost all dignity, decorum, and respect you don't have to worry about appearences. You do whatever you have to to get the job done whether its making the Dean's list, getting cast in a show, participating in a dance concert, or trying your damndest to scare away every boy who tries to hit on you. With nothing to lose, a world of possibilites opens up.
Unfortunately, right now I have quite a bit to lose: my job, my income, my apartment, my privacy, my emotional support, and what little sanity I've managed to hold on to. Those are the first things I think of when the prospect of change present themselves, when my mind goes for flights of fancy, bringing back glimpses of what could be. All I can think is how I can't afford to lose my apartment, my job, my money. As much as I hate this job, it sustains me. It keeps me fed.
The fight to win has always motivated me. When I was down and people said I couldn't accomplish my goals it was my duty to prove them wrong. When there was nothing to lose I could be as brash as I needed to be. Now I can't. I have a boss I must placate, interviewers I must impress, and the gorwing sense of desperation born out of the fear that if I keep going down the road I'm currently on I'll be walking it for the rest of my life.
Last night I read that in the seventeenth century a common delusion of the chronically melancholic was that their bodies were made of glass. This delusion was reported in every western country of the time and was even common enough to find its way into medical texts. Depressives, fearing they might break would retreat from normal activity. Some refused to go outside, others were afraid to sit down or get out of bed. The delusion provided the depressive with a logical reason for their fear and inability to function. In the age of reason baseless fears such as those that pop up as a result of depression required an explanation even if it was an impossible one.
I do not feel as though I'm made of glass. Daily living will not literally break me. What I feel is empty. I see my body as hollow, unused space, in need of something to fill it. I know what i would like to fill it with. Happiness, joy, satisfaction, love, confidence, courage, every positive emotion and trait you can imagine. But I'd have to get these things from somewhere. Can't fill a bottle with nothing. I don't know where I'd get those things. Can't imagine how much they'd cost. If the price of anti-depressant medication is any indicator then I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to afford it.
"When I was making the kind of money you are I was still living at home," he said. "You went out there, you got your own place, you're getting it done. I'm very proud of you."
That made me feel good for a little while. I've never tried to make Michael proud of me, but that I somehow have is a delight of great proportion. But then I had to go and screw up my high by comparing myself to others. All of my friends are getting a lot more done than I am. Today Gayle is graduating from law school. Heather and Tina are going to the ceremony. I'm pissed that I can't be there with them. But Gayle, now there's girl who is getting shit done. She's graduating from law school, she's moving to Seattle, before long she'll pass the Bar exam and become a practicing lawyer. That has been her plan for as long as I've known her and she's making it happen. No detours, she's just going for it. I spoke to Heather on the phon last night. That was lovely. I've been very bad about keeping in contact with her and the rest of humanity lately, mainly because I've been such a sour puss. I don't want to shit all over everyone else. Anyway, Heather told me she's moving to Chicago temporarily to look for a job. I know she wants to move there permanently. Kerry and Brynn are letting her sleep on their couch while she hunts. There's another girl who's getting it done. She wants to live in Chicago so she's taking steps to do it. She's so talented and has so much great work and volunteer experience someone is sure to snatch her up in a jiffy. She'll have her own place and a sizable income before she knows it.
Talked to Tina online Thursday. I asked her when she was gonna buck up and apply to grad school? "Fall," she replied. Yup, she's finally gonna swallow her fear and do it. And she'll get in because she has everything a school could possibly want in a potential student: talent, professional teaching experience, glowing references, straight A's, and above all, an inexhaustible commitment to her area of study. I'd be surprised if they all didn't admit her with full scholarships.
And Gemma, she's certainly getting it done. Not only has she managed to get out of her Uncle's house, she's managed to get into graduate school and will soon be living her dreams as well.
I'm insanely proud of all of them. Proud to the point of bursting. But that pride doesn't stop me from being envious. I wish I could do all the things they're doing: go to graduate school, possibly relocate, live my dream. There was a time when I could. Through out my life I've always gotten the things I've wanted when I've single mindedly set my sights on getting them. In looking back on those times however, I find particular circumstances that are presently absent. First, I've only been able to summon that sort of commitment after a fall out that left me at rock bottom. It's only after suffering a melt down or loss that leaves me with nothing that I lose all the worry and inhibition that holds me back. After all, when you're down there's no place to go but up. When you've lost all dignity, decorum, and respect you don't have to worry about appearences. You do whatever you have to to get the job done whether its making the Dean's list, getting cast in a show, participating in a dance concert, or trying your damndest to scare away every boy who tries to hit on you. With nothing to lose, a world of possibilites opens up.
Unfortunately, right now I have quite a bit to lose: my job, my income, my apartment, my privacy, my emotional support, and what little sanity I've managed to hold on to. Those are the first things I think of when the prospect of change present themselves, when my mind goes for flights of fancy, bringing back glimpses of what could be. All I can think is how I can't afford to lose my apartment, my job, my money. As much as I hate this job, it sustains me. It keeps me fed.
The fight to win has always motivated me. When I was down and people said I couldn't accomplish my goals it was my duty to prove them wrong. When there was nothing to lose I could be as brash as I needed to be. Now I can't. I have a boss I must placate, interviewers I must impress, and the gorwing sense of desperation born out of the fear that if I keep going down the road I'm currently on I'll be walking it for the rest of my life.
Last night I read that in the seventeenth century a common delusion of the chronically melancholic was that their bodies were made of glass. This delusion was reported in every western country of the time and was even common enough to find its way into medical texts. Depressives, fearing they might break would retreat from normal activity. Some refused to go outside, others were afraid to sit down or get out of bed. The delusion provided the depressive with a logical reason for their fear and inability to function. In the age of reason baseless fears such as those that pop up as a result of depression required an explanation even if it was an impossible one.
I do not feel as though I'm made of glass. Daily living will not literally break me. What I feel is empty. I see my body as hollow, unused space, in need of something to fill it. I know what i would like to fill it with. Happiness, joy, satisfaction, love, confidence, courage, every positive emotion and trait you can imagine. But I'd have to get these things from somewhere. Can't fill a bottle with nothing. I don't know where I'd get those things. Can't imagine how much they'd cost. If the price of anti-depressant medication is any indicator then I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to afford it.
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no subject
Date: 2005-05-15 12:10 am (UTC)You will probably be used to hearing this but everyone developes on their own. You cant compare your life to other people, because thats not your life, your life will develope on your own, so your only tourturing yourself by doing that.
Life is hard and your surviving, it may not be to the level you want but you are, and i know i admire you so much because i know i wouldnt have accomplished half of what you did, but my life went down another path.