Cyber Wanderer
Aug. 20th, 2003 05:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlWanna know how stupid I am? I was cleaning out my Hotmail account today, and re-discovered a folder full of all Josh's emails. Every last one he ever sent me. And I was dumb enough to read them. It was sad because most of them were just so affectionate. Back when I was at school he would send me the sweetest emails with X's and O's typed on them, telling me I was pretty and all that other good stuff. I wonder where all that affection went? I wonder what I did to make it go away. He said he didn't feel anything. Well he was FEELING something back in MAY!!!
Maybe it was just another "I need someone and, hey look, you're here," kind of scenario. Maybe he liked having a someone to act that way with back while he was stressing over school, but now that he's out, he just doesn't need it anymore.
I'm tired of being all reflective. I don't feel every reflective at the moment. I have all these notes reminding me of things I want to ruminate upon in my journal, and they just aren't inspiring me right now. I don't want to write about how anger hides fear, or how depressives are incapable of living in the moment, or how letting go of desire doesn't mean letting go of attachment. All of it sounds horribly trivial to me ears. Not that my love lorn ramblings are any LESS trivial. I'm just not in the right frame of mind to write objectively.
I'm very self-involved right now. Wanna talk about me me me me me. I've been online all night. Cyber space is so empty. There's nothing out there. No one to talk to, no games to play. I've exhausted all of my favorite websites including livejournal. I don't know what to do with myself and...whoa my heart just did something..weird. I think it sped up and I just got really dizzy. Strange. Hope I'm not dying. That would suck...to a certain degree. But I think after I died I'd get over it.
Maybe it was just another "I need someone and, hey look, you're here," kind of scenario. Maybe he liked having a someone to act that way with back while he was stressing over school, but now that he's out, he just doesn't need it anymore.
I'm tired of being all reflective. I don't feel every reflective at the moment. I have all these notes reminding me of things I want to ruminate upon in my journal, and they just aren't inspiring me right now. I don't want to write about how anger hides fear, or how depressives are incapable of living in the moment, or how letting go of desire doesn't mean letting go of attachment. All of it sounds horribly trivial to me ears. Not that my love lorn ramblings are any LESS trivial. I'm just not in the right frame of mind to write objectively.
I'm very self-involved right now. Wanna talk about me me me me me. I've been online all night. Cyber space is so empty. There's nothing out there. No one to talk to, no games to play. I've exhausted all of my favorite websites including livejournal. I don't know what to do with myself and...whoa my heart just did something..weird. I think it sped up and I just got really dizzy. Strange. Hope I'm not dying. That would suck...to a certain degree. But I think after I died I'd get over it.
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no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 11:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 12:10 pm (UTC)And yeah, he's pretty dumb if you ask me and will most likely be kicking himself in the enar future, if he's not already doing so.
*hugs*
And feel free to be self-centered... I for one enjoy reading about you you you... :-)