Losing My Religion
Oct. 14th, 2002 01:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlI'm in the computer lab skipping psych class. Originally I considered going home to write this entry. Gemma bought a jack splitter over the weekend which makes connecting to the internet at home ten times easier. Only, I find that I'm able to think more clearly here in the lab. I'm just too distracted in my room. And even though it takes a century to load the page on this computer, knowing that whatever I write will be a gazillion times brighter then anything I could write at home, it's worth the wait.
I think it's time to admit that I'm having a crisis of faith. I remember telling someone, Clark or maybe Moses, that nothing challenges your concept of faith as well as a suicide. Since Kirk has died I've seriously been questioning the existence of a higher power. ME! The quintissential Wiccan. The only person I know who was totally secure in her faith. I, who had the answer to every theological question related to Wicca. It's all slipping away from me now. As I try to understand Kirk's suicide I find myself getting more and more dissatisfied with the answers provided by the Wiccan theological framework.
Okay so here is a stream of consciousness rendering of what has been floating through my head. Fact: Kirk killed himself. Question: Why didn't Goddess save him? Elaboration: Kirk was easily one of the smartest, sweetest, funniest, caring, genuine people I've ever met. He was unique, he was special, he had the potential to do great things. Only he was cursed with this awful disease, as well as an environment and temperment not the least bit conducive to healing. In my own experience of depression whenever I have gotten to the end of my tether, I've always been lucky enough to run across someone or something to pull me back, and I have always thought of those life saving instances as divine intervention. I have always truly had a sense that Goddess was watching over me and protecting me, and would make sure no harm would come to me or the ones I love.
So where was that intervention for Kirk? If there is an all mighty and benevolent divinity, why did she let one of her most beautiful creatires progress to the point that he gave up on life?
Which leads to the question of Kirk's life and its purpose. Wiccans believe that we are all here for a purpose, to have certain experiences that will enrich our soul and move us onto a higher plane of existence. In accordance to this principle, there is the thought that we only meet the people we are supposed to meet. We only become close and interact with others who have things to teach us. I have always found this to be a very true concept. It helps one to analyze negative experiences within a larger context and gives one the opportunity to find the positive aspect in every negative act. So, for instance, I could say that Kirk was brought into my life for a number of reasons. A) To show me that I am worthy of being loved by a caring and understanding individual, B) Not all men are pigs, C) to give me an understanding of suicide and it's repercussions so that I never act on my own suicidal impulses. You get the idea.
But I review his life, and I realize that this boy's life was one slow train wreck. He was abused as a child, depressed all his life, never been really happy, had issues up the wazoo that kept getting worse. It's as if his whole life was nothing more than prelude to the suicide. I can't believe that his whole purpose in living was simply to kill himself and teach a bunch of people a spiritual lesson. He was way too gifted for that to have been Goddess's purpose in putting him on this earth. And I don't know about Alan, or Kirk's family or anything, but personally, I know that Kirk wouldn't have had to die in order for me to learn all of the lessons he taught me. In fact I think I would have gotten a much firmer grasp on them if he had lived.
Now we enter the realm of free will. Yeah we all have free will, nothing is predetermind, yes I know this and believe this. But I also always though there was a certain amount of divine guidence in our lives. Goddess isn't gonna hate you if you do something "bad" but she will try really hard to get you to do the "right" thing, or the thing that is most healthy for your soul. You may choose to disregard her, and it's all right cuz she's used to it, but she will still put her two cents in.
I never witnessed anything that even remotely resembled the Goddess's two cents in Kirk's life. You could say the two botched attempts were Goddess trying to save him, but if that was so why didn't she save him the third time? I've been reading stories about people who have made attempts on their lives 15-20 times and have lived. What makes them more special then my Kirk? Why have they been spared and not him?
My first impulse after all this mulling over is to conclude that there is no God, that everything is random, and no one is watching out for us. It's a pretty tempting conclusion to arrive at. After all, since Wicca and Magic are not inherently linked, I can still believe in the effects of magic without having to beleive in Goddess, since there is a logical scientific basis for magic. The only idea throwing a wrench into my newfound atheism is that of an afterlife.
It's generally assumed that if there is no divine watchmaker so to speak, then when you die you simply die and consciousness ceases. However, as I've mentioned before, Kirk has visited me since his death. He has let me know in subtle ways that he is looking out for me, that he is acting as my guardian angel now. Now one could easily say that it's all in my head, that I am seeing things that I want to see and it's my mind's way of coping with the loss. Maybe it is, I'm not about to discount the theory. But there have been too many coincidences, odd midnight embraces, and strange happenings to fully convince me that Kirk's spirit is gone. Which leads to the one question that is truly fucking me up: if there is no Goddess, one would assume there is no afterlife, and if there is no afterlife then where the heck is Kirk's soul?
I'm looking for a way to reconcile this conflict. Haven't found anything yet. Thinking I may read more into Chaos Magick (damn you Clark :)) see if that system has any answers. Any insights on the situation are welcome. I'm open to any and all answers. Hell, I'm praying for them.
I think it's time to admit that I'm having a crisis of faith. I remember telling someone, Clark or maybe Moses, that nothing challenges your concept of faith as well as a suicide. Since Kirk has died I've seriously been questioning the existence of a higher power. ME! The quintissential Wiccan. The only person I know who was totally secure in her faith. I, who had the answer to every theological question related to Wicca. It's all slipping away from me now. As I try to understand Kirk's suicide I find myself getting more and more dissatisfied with the answers provided by the Wiccan theological framework.
Okay so here is a stream of consciousness rendering of what has been floating through my head. Fact: Kirk killed himself. Question: Why didn't Goddess save him? Elaboration: Kirk was easily one of the smartest, sweetest, funniest, caring, genuine people I've ever met. He was unique, he was special, he had the potential to do great things. Only he was cursed with this awful disease, as well as an environment and temperment not the least bit conducive to healing. In my own experience of depression whenever I have gotten to the end of my tether, I've always been lucky enough to run across someone or something to pull me back, and I have always thought of those life saving instances as divine intervention. I have always truly had a sense that Goddess was watching over me and protecting me, and would make sure no harm would come to me or the ones I love.
So where was that intervention for Kirk? If there is an all mighty and benevolent divinity, why did she let one of her most beautiful creatires progress to the point that he gave up on life?
Which leads to the question of Kirk's life and its purpose. Wiccans believe that we are all here for a purpose, to have certain experiences that will enrich our soul and move us onto a higher plane of existence. In accordance to this principle, there is the thought that we only meet the people we are supposed to meet. We only become close and interact with others who have things to teach us. I have always found this to be a very true concept. It helps one to analyze negative experiences within a larger context and gives one the opportunity to find the positive aspect in every negative act. So, for instance, I could say that Kirk was brought into my life for a number of reasons. A) To show me that I am worthy of being loved by a caring and understanding individual, B) Not all men are pigs, C) to give me an understanding of suicide and it's repercussions so that I never act on my own suicidal impulses. You get the idea.
But I review his life, and I realize that this boy's life was one slow train wreck. He was abused as a child, depressed all his life, never been really happy, had issues up the wazoo that kept getting worse. It's as if his whole life was nothing more than prelude to the suicide. I can't believe that his whole purpose in living was simply to kill himself and teach a bunch of people a spiritual lesson. He was way too gifted for that to have been Goddess's purpose in putting him on this earth. And I don't know about Alan, or Kirk's family or anything, but personally, I know that Kirk wouldn't have had to die in order for me to learn all of the lessons he taught me. In fact I think I would have gotten a much firmer grasp on them if he had lived.
Now we enter the realm of free will. Yeah we all have free will, nothing is predetermind, yes I know this and believe this. But I also always though there was a certain amount of divine guidence in our lives. Goddess isn't gonna hate you if you do something "bad" but she will try really hard to get you to do the "right" thing, or the thing that is most healthy for your soul. You may choose to disregard her, and it's all right cuz she's used to it, but she will still put her two cents in.
I never witnessed anything that even remotely resembled the Goddess's two cents in Kirk's life. You could say the two botched attempts were Goddess trying to save him, but if that was so why didn't she save him the third time? I've been reading stories about people who have made attempts on their lives 15-20 times and have lived. What makes them more special then my Kirk? Why have they been spared and not him?
My first impulse after all this mulling over is to conclude that there is no God, that everything is random, and no one is watching out for us. It's a pretty tempting conclusion to arrive at. After all, since Wicca and Magic are not inherently linked, I can still believe in the effects of magic without having to beleive in Goddess, since there is a logical scientific basis for magic. The only idea throwing a wrench into my newfound atheism is that of an afterlife.
It's generally assumed that if there is no divine watchmaker so to speak, then when you die you simply die and consciousness ceases. However, as I've mentioned before, Kirk has visited me since his death. He has let me know in subtle ways that he is looking out for me, that he is acting as my guardian angel now. Now one could easily say that it's all in my head, that I am seeing things that I want to see and it's my mind's way of coping with the loss. Maybe it is, I'm not about to discount the theory. But there have been too many coincidences, odd midnight embraces, and strange happenings to fully convince me that Kirk's spirit is gone. Which leads to the one question that is truly fucking me up: if there is no Goddess, one would assume there is no afterlife, and if there is no afterlife then where the heck is Kirk's soul?
I'm looking for a way to reconcile this conflict. Haven't found anything yet. Thinking I may read more into Chaos Magick (damn you Clark :)) see if that system has any answers. Any insights on the situation are welcome. I'm open to any and all answers. Hell, I'm praying for them.
