Where Do I Go From Here
Oct. 8th, 2002 02:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrigirlI was able to stave off my feeling all day long. I wrote a paper on F. Scott Fitzgerald. I went to Rob's class and laughed as he told us infamous stories about Robert Frost. Nearly died laughing at the newspaper catching on fire. That one was a real kicker. I went to work, I did a little homework, vegged in front of the TV, tinkered around on the internet, did anything and everything all day that would keep me from thinking. And I was succeeding too.
So I wasn't prepared for Mike to call and ask me how I was doing with Kirk. I'm afraid I was rude to him, but I just couldn't answer, not really. I just...didn't have anything to say about Kirk. I've articulated everything I have to say about HIM and HIS suicide. Funny thing is, the suicide is now a part of ME now. It's not just an experience I've had, it's part of my psyche, so it continues to effect everything I do. It influenced every activity I undertook today and will most likely effect everything I do tomorrow. And because it exerts such influence, my new found silence on the matter branches out inot all aspects of my life. Mike asked me about Kirk, I had nothing to say, he asked me about classes which are connected to Kirk in that they are my main source of distraction, and I had nothing to say. He asked what was going on and I had nothing to report. There was nothing I felt passionate or excited enough about to share with him.
The trend continued when Clark called later in the evening. But of course Clark knows how to engage me so the conversation was a little more lively. But as we talked and I explained myself and how I felt I realized how little I am feeling these days.
I believe I wrote about this in a previous entry, how I feel distanced from everyone and everything. Nowadays I'm referring to it as the Bell Jar Effect. Life is going on all around me, but I'm not in it. My body goes through the motions but I am not present. Kirk's suicide severed my consciousness from all other waking realities. And because I'm no longer part of the world i have no idea how to react to it.
At this point I have no idea what I'm supposed to be feeling. Most of the time I just feel blank. I don't feel passionate about anything. I know I'm still sad about Kirk, but I don't think about him all the time anymore. And there is something that feels wrong abot that. One half of me feels I should still be in a state of constant mourning and the other half just wants to hurry up, get over it, and move on. I think the clashing of these two emotions is what's causing the neutrality I feel.
I'm afraid I'll feel like this forever. I mean, nothing really matters anymore. The things I do, I don't do for any real reason. I do them because I have to. I don't feel excited, happy, sexual, ANYTHING!!!! Will life always be this meaningless? Also will I ever feel attracted to anyone ever again? As is, I've lost all romantic and sexual feeling. I see all these happy couples, Jon and Gemma, Steffi and tina, Heather and Wes, Gabe and Lauren, Clark and Lisa, Agnes and Bill, and I feel lonely because my other half is dead, both physically and metaphorically. Thing is, I don't WANT to be attracted to anyone else. I like Kirk! Do you know how blazingly fucked up it feels to have a sexual attraction towards a dead man?! What does that say about me? What does it say about my abilities to move on or grasp reality?
But I guess we've already covered the idea of reality, we know I'm drifting in and out of it. One minute I'm watching the movie, next, I'm in it. And I don't know my lines and my character is totally unbelieveable and my delivery is lame.
I just want to know if I'll ever feel again. Feel ANYTHING about ANYTHING besides Kirk.
I've been listening to the Buffy soundtrack tnight. It's just the right blend of comedy and tragedy. It seems a good fit right now, particularly "Walk Through the Fire" and "Where do we go from here." Don't look at me in that tone of voice! Christopher would understand.
I've also made a list of songs I associate with Kirk. Maybe once I get enough I'll make myself a nice depressing tape. Here's what I got so far:
Gimme Shelter- the Rollong Stones
Your Ghost- Kristin Hersh
Keeping You- Tanya Donelly
Professional Widow- Tori Amos
Hey Jupiter- Tori Amos
Right there Behind You- Our Lady Peace
So I wasn't prepared for Mike to call and ask me how I was doing with Kirk. I'm afraid I was rude to him, but I just couldn't answer, not really. I just...didn't have anything to say about Kirk. I've articulated everything I have to say about HIM and HIS suicide. Funny thing is, the suicide is now a part of ME now. It's not just an experience I've had, it's part of my psyche, so it continues to effect everything I do. It influenced every activity I undertook today and will most likely effect everything I do tomorrow. And because it exerts such influence, my new found silence on the matter branches out inot all aspects of my life. Mike asked me about Kirk, I had nothing to say, he asked me about classes which are connected to Kirk in that they are my main source of distraction, and I had nothing to say. He asked what was going on and I had nothing to report. There was nothing I felt passionate or excited enough about to share with him.
The trend continued when Clark called later in the evening. But of course Clark knows how to engage me so the conversation was a little more lively. But as we talked and I explained myself and how I felt I realized how little I am feeling these days.
I believe I wrote about this in a previous entry, how I feel distanced from everyone and everything. Nowadays I'm referring to it as the Bell Jar Effect. Life is going on all around me, but I'm not in it. My body goes through the motions but I am not present. Kirk's suicide severed my consciousness from all other waking realities. And because I'm no longer part of the world i have no idea how to react to it.
At this point I have no idea what I'm supposed to be feeling. Most of the time I just feel blank. I don't feel passionate about anything. I know I'm still sad about Kirk, but I don't think about him all the time anymore. And there is something that feels wrong abot that. One half of me feels I should still be in a state of constant mourning and the other half just wants to hurry up, get over it, and move on. I think the clashing of these two emotions is what's causing the neutrality I feel.
I'm afraid I'll feel like this forever. I mean, nothing really matters anymore. The things I do, I don't do for any real reason. I do them because I have to. I don't feel excited, happy, sexual, ANYTHING!!!! Will life always be this meaningless? Also will I ever feel attracted to anyone ever again? As is, I've lost all romantic and sexual feeling. I see all these happy couples, Jon and Gemma, Steffi and tina, Heather and Wes, Gabe and Lauren, Clark and Lisa, Agnes and Bill, and I feel lonely because my other half is dead, both physically and metaphorically. Thing is, I don't WANT to be attracted to anyone else. I like Kirk! Do you know how blazingly fucked up it feels to have a sexual attraction towards a dead man?! What does that say about me? What does it say about my abilities to move on or grasp reality?
But I guess we've already covered the idea of reality, we know I'm drifting in and out of it. One minute I'm watching the movie, next, I'm in it. And I don't know my lines and my character is totally unbelieveable and my delivery is lame.
I just want to know if I'll ever feel again. Feel ANYTHING about ANYTHING besides Kirk.
I've been listening to the Buffy soundtrack tnight. It's just the right blend of comedy and tragedy. It seems a good fit right now, particularly "Walk Through the Fire" and "Where do we go from here." Don't look at me in that tone of voice! Christopher would understand.
I've also made a list of songs I associate with Kirk. Maybe once I get enough I'll make myself a nice depressing tape. Here's what I got so far:
Gimme Shelter- the Rollong Stones
Your Ghost- Kristin Hersh
Keeping You- Tanya Donelly
Professional Widow- Tori Amos
Hey Jupiter- Tori Amos
Right there Behind You- Our Lady Peace
